FA+
Shop
hard times
10 years ago
Hello everyone =)
Lately, I've been really busy. But I realize that, as far too many people say it, it's normal fans do not understand how time consuming my activities can be so I thought I'd give a little explanation of what I'm going through.
First, work. I used to love it, but know I fear to go to it every morning. My job consists in attributing beds to patients in my city's hospital. Fun, right? I thought so... but actually, this is a job in which I have to take a lot of decisions... and often, bad ones. I'm the link between all the surgery sectors, and of course, people only see what I apply to their area. So to most people at my workplace, I represent a nuisance, a guy that comes to give them more work while I try to find the best solutions for everyone including the patient.
I totally understand the nurses' frustration. They got a lot of hard work, sometimes even humiliating because some patients are deep shit. But I have the feeling I'm disliked only because of what I must do, and that's hard. On the good side, I never get angry or reply badly. I'm like this, I'm simply unable to rage against someone else because I understand their pain. However, feeling all this agressivity from everywhere while I just try to help, well... it's taking me down. I work a lot to compensate, and ease my conscience, but I really hope the activity intensity lowers soon.
Basically, what I do is keeping a neutral face as a mask, and cry when no one is around. It doesn't help that I'm a shy person who fears people. Actually, this is one reason why I got myself into this job: to force myself to go to people, in hope to make myself more social. But I'm awkward and I get a lot of reproaches on how I talk and act. I feel like only my little mistakes are visible while my achievements go unseen.
To stay strong, I started a file where I put every little personal victory. Like two days ago, I got called for an old lady who was about to die from her disease, and got asked to find her a single bed room to allow her to end in dignity. I worked my ass off to find her this, because we had absolutely nothing available. But I found it. The next morning, I read my mail and saw that she had passed away during night, and her will was to give her body to the university of Grenoble (another city with big hospital) and to give some eye parts (don't know the english term). I dropped a tear, because I felt sad, and proud to have worked so hard for someone who deserved it. I printed the mail, and then put it in my file, which I called "remember why you fight".
In addition to work, or probably because of it, I deal with a lot of depression episodes. Because people are agressive, but at least, they have people around them when they come back home. But I'm alone. Of course, I have friends I can talk to, and they are of good moral help, but it's simply not the same as if I had someone with me to comfort me IRL.
All I can do is keeping heading forward, working hard, clench teeth, cry when there's no one to be bothered about it, and repeat. Success is getting up one more time than you've been knocked down, and I apply it everyday. I just wished that people could see how much I try to do for them while they are being so hostile. But that's it, I'm kind and struggle to communicate. And I piss off people because they probably see me as a victim. At least, as long as I do good, I still have good conscience and that's a reward in itself.
On a more positive note, ninjutsu helps me to raise the chin. Trainings make me realize I have somehow unique knowledge I can share with my students, and there I'm liked for my hard work and kindness. This is a place where real warriors are appreciated, and it gives me the strength to keep pushing forward.
I'm sorry for the long post, I'm usually not the kind to complain or even talk about myself, but it had to get out. If you had the courage to read it all, then thank you because it's already a little help for me^^
I hope I'll be able to calm down and get back soon to creative activity rather than work all the time.
Lately, I've been really busy. But I realize that, as far too many people say it, it's normal fans do not understand how time consuming my activities can be so I thought I'd give a little explanation of what I'm going through.
First, work. I used to love it, but know I fear to go to it every morning. My job consists in attributing beds to patients in my city's hospital. Fun, right? I thought so... but actually, this is a job in which I have to take a lot of decisions... and often, bad ones. I'm the link between all the surgery sectors, and of course, people only see what I apply to their area. So to most people at my workplace, I represent a nuisance, a guy that comes to give them more work while I try to find the best solutions for everyone including the patient.
I totally understand the nurses' frustration. They got a lot of hard work, sometimes even humiliating because some patients are deep shit. But I have the feeling I'm disliked only because of what I must do, and that's hard. On the good side, I never get angry or reply badly. I'm like this, I'm simply unable to rage against someone else because I understand their pain. However, feeling all this agressivity from everywhere while I just try to help, well... it's taking me down. I work a lot to compensate, and ease my conscience, but I really hope the activity intensity lowers soon.
Basically, what I do is keeping a neutral face as a mask, and cry when no one is around. It doesn't help that I'm a shy person who fears people. Actually, this is one reason why I got myself into this job: to force myself to go to people, in hope to make myself more social. But I'm awkward and I get a lot of reproaches on how I talk and act. I feel like only my little mistakes are visible while my achievements go unseen.
To stay strong, I started a file where I put every little personal victory. Like two days ago, I got called for an old lady who was about to die from her disease, and got asked to find her a single bed room to allow her to end in dignity. I worked my ass off to find her this, because we had absolutely nothing available. But I found it. The next morning, I read my mail and saw that she had passed away during night, and her will was to give her body to the university of Grenoble (another city with big hospital) and to give some eye parts (don't know the english term). I dropped a tear, because I felt sad, and proud to have worked so hard for someone who deserved it. I printed the mail, and then put it in my file, which I called "remember why you fight".
In addition to work, or probably because of it, I deal with a lot of depression episodes. Because people are agressive, but at least, they have people around them when they come back home. But I'm alone. Of course, I have friends I can talk to, and they are of good moral help, but it's simply not the same as if I had someone with me to comfort me IRL.
All I can do is keeping heading forward, working hard, clench teeth, cry when there's no one to be bothered about it, and repeat. Success is getting up one more time than you've been knocked down, and I apply it everyday. I just wished that people could see how much I try to do for them while they are being so hostile. But that's it, I'm kind and struggle to communicate. And I piss off people because they probably see me as a victim. At least, as long as I do good, I still have good conscience and that's a reward in itself.
On a more positive note, ninjutsu helps me to raise the chin. Trainings make me realize I have somehow unique knowledge I can share with my students, and there I'm liked for my hard work and kindness. This is a place where real warriors are appreciated, and it gives me the strength to keep pushing forward.
I'm sorry for the long post, I'm usually not the kind to complain or even talk about myself, but it had to get out. If you had the courage to read it all, then thank you because it's already a little help for me^^
I hope I'll be able to calm down and get back soon to creative activity rather than work all the time.
Also, it's pretty cool that you're learning ninjutsu~
But that's not happening, I'm aware how precious I am to them, and I'm going to have a talk with my boss as soon as she comes back from vacations.
And yeah, ninjutsu is my fuel these days^^ I'm so glad I have it to free my mind for work. My fellow ninja are like a second family to me=3
Personally, I'd love to be able to learn some form of martial arts. I have the build for it, I just need to work on my strength and endurance first.
You know, when I started I barely was able to do three push ups^^ no I can go 50 =3 Don't worry about your health or capabilities when going to martial art. If your teacher is good, he'll make you work at your rhythm. all you have to do is giving it a try^^
I tend to take things at heart, so when it becomes bad, I'm easily down. But I always get back on my feet and the more they stimulate my survival instincts, the more I evolve. i think that pain is always a good teacher to those who know how to take lessons from it, and I feel like I'm getting stronger from this experience.
As for my file, I'm also proud to add the fact that thanks to me, even if some people went mad at me for it, I took a hard decision that allowed a poor lady suffering from metastatic breast cancer to have a decent bed to be in, instead of spending another night at the emergencies. In these cases, I don't care what grumpy people might think, I'm only proud to do what's right for a perfect stranger, I'm proud of my humanity and care for others. And no one is gonna make me feel like I took a bad decision^^