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little explanations
9 years ago
Because I know many of the people who sometimes talk to me feel like I'm ignoring them, and it's killing me to think I hurt other by my silence. Well, this, and the rest....
As some of you know, in September 2014 I joined the hospital of my city for a job that seemed like THE job made for me. The beginnings were chaotics, but after 6 months, I had become great at it. I was deciding how and where to place the patients in surgery, and I grew even more skilled as time passed. I've even become able to predict how many patients would be there one week before the date, within a range of more or less 10 persons on 144 beds. I was proud, I had my own personal office (which was good to relax a bit, since social interactions exhaust me), I was respected by the nurses and even the surgeons, and I had total freedom on the way I worked as long as I had results. In brief, the dream job for me.... until lately.
Because lately, they decided, without even listening to my opinion, to extend the activity to the whole hospital. I've "gained'" three colleagues so we would share the tasks between medicine and surgery. It was a good idea, but their decisions on the way to do it broke it all to me.
First, we have to switch roles, because we're supposed to be able to replace one another when someone is on vacation. Fair enough.... but how are they expecting us to do so? They decide that one day we are working on medicine, another on surgery. Just to be clear, I don't have any medical training, so when I'm on medicine, I'm basically placing patients without even knowing what kind of disease they have, or what informations I need to transmit, and I feel like I'm playing randomly with people's lives... Awfully stressful to me...
Second, I had to give up my own, ideally placed office to relocate in a common office, which means no rest during day for me (stressful too for me, I feel scared to have to socialize closely with coworkers, who are nurses to begin with, and so who know better on medicine than I do).
Third, they are rushing us. Which means mistakes. Lots and lots of mistakes. And a hospital is mostly feminine place, so imagine how nurses, who are women ans so mostly emotion-driven persons, react in front of many mistakes? That's right, anger... I don't even count anymore how many persons yell at me in a single day, and my natural reaction to angry people is to feel guilty for not being able to reach their expectations.
I know that from outside, it just seems like common bad management, and regular work issues. But being victim of my superiors' bad decision is killing me a bit more everyday... In a bit less than a month, I've grown disgusted by my work... I was building a solid structure, a better workplace for everyone, and now they are destroying everything I worked for during the past year... They are ruinning my work. And my work was everything for me.
Worse, I've begun to isolate myself, because this is my natural reaction when I feel bad. I don't like to share my burden, so I usually prefer silence. I know that right now, what I'm writing might been seen as basic complaining, but I don't expect support, and I certainely don't ask for it because I know that no one but myself can overcome the situation. I'm just explaining why I do not interact with anyone anymore, even close friends, so you know I don't do this to hurt anyone.
I know I'll eventually overcome it, but it's just that right now, I feel down, lonely and terribly scared. For those who worry easily, be assured I won't do anything stupid. So don't panick. As long as I know you don't take it personnally, it will already help me, and that's all I'm asking for. Soon enough, I'll be back, probably brighter and happier that I am now, so please just be patient with me. My silence won't be eternal.
I think of you all, and I keep courage in these dark days because I want to be strong. For the patients. For the nurses and doctors I help everyday, even if it's not appreciated. And for you, whom are probably still a bit worried about all this.
And now, back to work...
As some of you know, in September 2014 I joined the hospital of my city for a job that seemed like THE job made for me. The beginnings were chaotics, but after 6 months, I had become great at it. I was deciding how and where to place the patients in surgery, and I grew even more skilled as time passed. I've even become able to predict how many patients would be there one week before the date, within a range of more or less 10 persons on 144 beds. I was proud, I had my own personal office (which was good to relax a bit, since social interactions exhaust me), I was respected by the nurses and even the surgeons, and I had total freedom on the way I worked as long as I had results. In brief, the dream job for me.... until lately.
Because lately, they decided, without even listening to my opinion, to extend the activity to the whole hospital. I've "gained'" three colleagues so we would share the tasks between medicine and surgery. It was a good idea, but their decisions on the way to do it broke it all to me.
First, we have to switch roles, because we're supposed to be able to replace one another when someone is on vacation. Fair enough.... but how are they expecting us to do so? They decide that one day we are working on medicine, another on surgery. Just to be clear, I don't have any medical training, so when I'm on medicine, I'm basically placing patients without even knowing what kind of disease they have, or what informations I need to transmit, and I feel like I'm playing randomly with people's lives... Awfully stressful to me...
Second, I had to give up my own, ideally placed office to relocate in a common office, which means no rest during day for me (stressful too for me, I feel scared to have to socialize closely with coworkers, who are nurses to begin with, and so who know better on medicine than I do).
Third, they are rushing us. Which means mistakes. Lots and lots of mistakes. And a hospital is mostly feminine place, so imagine how nurses, who are women ans so mostly emotion-driven persons, react in front of many mistakes? That's right, anger... I don't even count anymore how many persons yell at me in a single day, and my natural reaction to angry people is to feel guilty for not being able to reach their expectations.
I know that from outside, it just seems like common bad management, and regular work issues. But being victim of my superiors' bad decision is killing me a bit more everyday... In a bit less than a month, I've grown disgusted by my work... I was building a solid structure, a better workplace for everyone, and now they are destroying everything I worked for during the past year... They are ruinning my work. And my work was everything for me.
Worse, I've begun to isolate myself, because this is my natural reaction when I feel bad. I don't like to share my burden, so I usually prefer silence. I know that right now, what I'm writing might been seen as basic complaining, but I don't expect support, and I certainely don't ask for it because I know that no one but myself can overcome the situation. I'm just explaining why I do not interact with anyone anymore, even close friends, so you know I don't do this to hurt anyone.
I know I'll eventually overcome it, but it's just that right now, I feel down, lonely and terribly scared. For those who worry easily, be assured I won't do anything stupid. So don't panick. As long as I know you don't take it personnally, it will already help me, and that's all I'm asking for. Soon enough, I'll be back, probably brighter and happier that I am now, so please just be patient with me. My silence won't be eternal.
I think of you all, and I keep courage in these dark days because I want to be strong. For the patients. For the nurses and doctors I help everyday, even if it's not appreciated. And for you, whom are probably still a bit worried about all this.
And now, back to work...
The sad reality is that the higher the rank is, the more likely the people are to consider workers as simple numbers. Our state, our health, doesn't matter to them. All that matters to them is results, and to achieve that, the only way they know is to put more pressure on workers to do the tasks. I do say what I have to say. I had warned them, and I do remind them that I said so. But you cannot be efficient AND having to deal with politics...
The only solution would be that ministers and politicians suddenly decide to prefer actual efficiency instead of keeping money to themselves for luxury houses/cars/drugs/whatever, but we can always dream for that...
As for myself, I cannot help but feeling down because I think of all the poor people who suffer from that. My mom died in the same hospital, I see how nurses work their ass off for the patient, and I really hoped that putting efforts in making a change would actually bring improvments, but instead, I face people who simply see their own interest, their own goals as workers. I cannot blame them, it's only human after all... but it's another slap in the face from reality. All I can do is not giving up, even if it's at the expenses of my own health.
We are all here for you.We will be cheering you on. So dont feel too lonely or scared.
until then. i look forward to that day, the day where you can be happy again.
I can't offer you any help, execpt by saying that I, and I guess many others, don't blame you for being silent. Real life come first, internet only after, so if you are feelling down take your time, we'll wait.
Going private (even if it means internationally relocating) doesn't mean better either.
might be good if you learned some medicine if you do pick up on it, I mean you probably know more than me about medicine
what you need is more advanced knowledge, more training, and it sounds as if your superiors have not considered that.
In my opinion, if a dumb idea is put into action, I say try to meet them half way and ask of them to help you become capable of it and have you be teached more so you know what nurses do
and just do it as best you can, and do what they want and if what they want makes things bad then they will think it was better off the way it was before
and then you get things good again.
I simplified my English a bit here, just to try and help get my point across
Don't give up