Love, i strongly suggest you don't read this.. if you have clicked on this... please understand that i am very hurt at the things you have said and that i still am filled with the hate i have toward myself for the mistake i have made and am full of regret.. this is a journal i am posting to vent and to bleed a couple things out.. so please consider clicking away from this journal... its not a happy one..


If you decided to read on.. i want to say first off that i did fuck up and didn't tell you that i was going to play with my friend before i did. i know that i told you that i would dump you on the spot if you did that to me.. i know I'm a hypocritical asshole, and that i hurt you, and shouldn't be the one needing to vent.. but i have to because of some of the things you have said to me this morning..

firstly.. i told you right off the bat that if i do anything that involuntarily hurts you.. tell me so i don't make that same mistake again... don't let things slide..if i fuck up.. tell me. and you said that you let things slide before.. and from the text that i got today.. you let a lot of things slide.. you didn't tell me where i was fucking up so.. naturally.. i kept fucking up.. why didn't you tell me? now suddenly we have to sit down and go over a fucking list of shit that i have to change about myself beyond the other shit i already have? now i have to wait 2 days to figure out what the fuck i have done wrong while stressing school, friends, and work? i told you to tell me my mistakes as i make them so i can handle them one at a fucking time.. you didn't.. so now i have to fucking vent..



Yes.. i fucked up. I know i did. I went to bed full of hate and regret.. I swore to myself and to you that I would change. I promised you that I will be a better person for you... I woke up knowing that this is the first day of a new me. Not even awake for 2 hours and it turns out that I have not been a good boyfriend even up until now. Yes.. i fucked up.. didn't know and still can't remember that and when it happened before... but i trust you.. and will accept that it has and that I am in the wrong, regardless if i think it is true or not.. i fucked up and accept every ounce of hate and pain it brings.

But you are not carrying all of the emotional load.. It wasn't easy for me to get a hold of the anxiety and fear that i had tearing me apart every night and kept me from eating for 4 straight days. it wasn't a good feeling knowing that I would be a shitty boyfriend cuz well.. i am a shitty person. mainly for one reason.. i like dick.. yeah.. i love getting fucked.. i always have.. but what you didn't understand about that is what it means to be bi. you can ask all the people you want. but the truth is.. its fucking hard to be bi. never knowing of your straight or gay.. never being accepted for it.. getting dumped for being too much of one or the other.. always fearing being alone because of it.. I fell in love with you because apart from the other things about you that brings a smile to my heart, you accepted the worst part of me.. the part that always burned my relationships apart.. i am bi.. you accepted that.

you told me to relax and go have fun.. its ok. i forgot to tell you before but instead of hiding it.. i told you cuz you have a right to know and i knew you asked to be notified.. it kills me that i forgot that detail especially that i was the one that implemented it.. i already hate myself for it..

ever since the panic attacks started, i have felt guilty of being bisexual. hating a natural part of who i am because i never know when or even if i will fall full into one side or the other. but now i am completely ashamed of it.. i hate myself for being what i am.. i hate that i am a huge sub when it comes to the gay side of me... and i am a dom when it comes to the straight.. i hate that i am one big conflict.. i hate myself...

i hate myself completely.. people can say whatever they want.. i am a fuck up.. i am destined to hurt anyone that i am with no matter how hard i try..

but even though i fucked up yesterday... i want to make a couple things clear.. i was assured that being bi is ok... i can embrace my gay side as long as i still love ad am attracted to you.. which i am.. i love you.. i find you the most beautiful and sexiest woman i have ever met... but it hurts when you encourage me to go and let off some steam, and then turn and get mad when i do.. and i know why you're pissed. you don't have to keep telling me.. i have already heard it.. i have already mutilated myself for it.. i know exactly why you're pissed..

here is the biggest thing that pisses me off about why you're so mad.. i squashed my anxiety.. it has been gone for a few days and all that remained was natural nervousness. hell, i went to fucking see you and proved that i had conquered it. to show you that i wasn't afraid anymore. it felt great and i thought that that was behind us.. now.. all of the sudden you're calling me a coward and told me and i quote "if you are fit enough to get your ass pounded, you aren't that panicked" you are right.. i was not panicked. you told me to have fun. you told me you didn't care if i played with a friend. so i did. i was safe about it.. i know how to avoid STDs.. i just forgot to mention that i was going to. and honestly.. it just sort of happened. and i did it because you said you didn't mind if i did. this had nothing to do with my anxiety.. NOTHING and you still hold it over my fucking head like a fucking noose. i got over it.. why can't you?

if i was a coward.. i would have dumped you the night that i started thinking i should.. i would have told you not to come.. i would have taken the easy way out. if i was a fucking coward, i wouldn't have come over and seen you... i did not choose to have anxiety.. i did not choose to feel the way i felt.. i don't know why i did... i got help.. i admitted to myself that i had a problem and took every step i could to fix it. i suffered through all of it.. for you.. cuz believe to or not.. i fucking love you. i wanted you to be safe.. i wanted you to be happy.. i wanted to be the best i could for you and know that i couldn't hurt me as much as it hurt you. i could have ended things.. a coward would have ended things. but i didn't.. i got over it. i took control and moved on. i didn't eat for 4 days.. was barely able to keep water down.. i moved out of my room and cleaned it up for you. i changed a fucking lot for you.. more than i have for anyone i have ever been with.

i love you so much.. bu it hurts more than words can express when you say I'm not trying, and that i am a coward.. yeah.. you moved out of your home.. i did too.. a lot.. i never lived anywhere for more than 6 years.. i had to say goodbye to friends all the time.. lost contact with most of them.. i moved from california to maine because i knew it wasn't good for me to stay... i started over in maine.. I'm in college.. i have a license, and I'm no longer selling weed. i quit cigarettes, and am staying away from weed for the most part.. i have been through a lot.. as have you.. but there is one thing i am not.. and that is a coward.