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2014 Summary, and Personal Stuffs
11 years ago
This is a LONG journal. I can't really tl;dr it, it has some things that I wanted to explain, and blah blah, you know how it is, don't read it if you don't want to.
Hey people, I never usually put journals up, detailing personal stuffs, and life stuffs, but I thought it would be worth doing so. Plus I said I would. This is going to be a fairly long journal, I can say, but will explain some stuff to some people who need explaining, and overall kind of a review of stuff in the last year.
First off, 2014. What a year, really. Probably the greatest year I’ve ever had, with the most positive things, however it was also one of my worst years as well. Sounds very conflicting no? The huge positive of 2014 is that I got more involved in the fandom as a whole. I attended my first convention in May, Confuzzled, and oh my GOD I fell in love with the atmosphere, the madness, the suiters, and most of all, I fell in love with the people I met. These people, who definitely know who they are, have absolutely made my year. I am without words to describe these people, they have made me the person I am today. More comfortable in myself, more outgoing, more chatty, and SO much happier. Oh god they’ve made me happy. After CFz, I immediately booked myself for Eurofurence, less for the con now and more for being able to just hang out with all the friends I’ve met. EF was amazing for this, then as soon as I came home I booked myself for NordicFuzzCon, purely because most of the people I met at EF and CFz were Swedish, how does that work ^^? Odd :)
Then, between August and November, I stressed about not being able to see virtually any friends I’d met over the past months, and with the help of Sotix, booked myself to go to Stockholm over New Years. This, which was between the 28th of December and the 4th of January, was beyond awesome. Having to leave the friends I’d chilled with over New Years was particularly heartbreaking, and I unashamedly broke down in Arlanda airport after getting through security, a combination of happiness for it happening, and sadness that it had to end.
2014, however, was a year of great sadness in many respects too. In January, I got hit by a very bad bout of depression, which although I had suffered from in the past, was one of the most severe instances I've suffered. Thoughts crossed my minds that I never thought would ever come into my mind. I sought help, of which not a lot was available without being reliant on medications, or with waiting lists were extraordinarily long. I made plans, and generally filled my time and the future with things to look forward to, and such. Was a fairly dark area in my life, but I worked through it, best I could, with the little support I could muster, and the support of select family members and friends. Then, in May, my grandfather passed away from cancer, and that hit me extremely hard. Infact, it hit my entire family hard, as to be expected. My grandfather was a big part of mine and my families life ever since he married my grandmother in the mid 90s. He wasn’t my grandfather by blood, but he was, without question, the best grandfather, father, husband, and friend to everyone. He’d go out of his way to be a truly spectacular individual. I left Confuzzled a day early to attend his funeral, which was on the normal exit day, which was hard in many ways to break something very happy up with something terribly sad. It was, and still is, quite surreal he is no longer with us. His usual mannerisms are still fresh in my mind, and it’s just an overly strange feeling. However, he is at peace which is something we can as a family come to accept.
Family issues have plagued me as well, namely alcoholism with a close family member. It’s gotten beyond the point of me trying to help and I feel really lost as to what to do, and this is a constant source of worry and despair, and is not something I can even begin to help with. Help must come from within, and without that person helping themselves, my help is useless. A very ongoing issue that seems to have no resolution unfortunately. It's a very big factor in pushing me away from my home at the moment, and motivating me to move away. This has included a recent 3 day hospital stay because that family member almost died due to alcohol poisoning.
During Confuzzled, as well, I lost a very good friend. I lost her friendship because I put zero effort into it at CFz, went off to converse, party, and generally try to socialise and not be the social outcast I usually was. In doing this, I forgot about this friend who helped me immeasurably, who was there for me, no matter the time of day, and no matter the situation. This friend, who I don’t believe I wish to name, purely out of respect for her, was a massive influence in my life, and I regret how I treated her. I promised her a good time at CFz together, and I failed completely in that task. I screwed up there, without question, and I never intend on doing something like that to anyone, ever again. I know how it feels to be excluded and ‘replaced’, it makes you feel beyond worthless, so why did I do it to someone so dear to me at the time? I cannot answer with certainty.
During the latter part of the year, my sadness returned, however this was now down to a change of job. I moved from my delivery job, to a call centre specialising in customer services for satellite television (Sky). The job, I was told, was inbound customer services, dealing with general queries etc. After training however, it switched to a very sales orientated role. It switched to me calling people up and selling them upgrades on their package for TV. I am a firm believer that if you want something, you’ll get it yourself, you don’t need someone selling it to you. And I hated it. Selling is something I will NEVER be able to do, and yet I was pressured, given targets, told to sell to people who obviously don’t need, want, or have any use for what I’m selling. It made me feel worthless beyond belief. Made me feel although my only purpose there is to get sales, not to help anyone, nothing else. I, personally, had a really good manager, and he genuinely tried his hardest to assist me where he can with all these issues, but there is only so far a boss can go before he himself is missing his targets and otherwise. Whole situation is fairly shitty.
The job situation however, to make it more of a positive ending journal, has been resolved somewhat. I quit that role after my New Year holiday and went back to my old job, albeit working for a different fast food place. Still delivering food, but this time, hopefully, I can move onto something better later on instead of getting into shitty jobs, with shittier prospects.
Onto more positives again, 2015 is a year I hope to turn into the definite greatest year of my life. I hope to combine all the positivity of 2014, none of the negativity, and to create more really good memories, meet more friends, and focus on all my best friends at the moment, as without them, I’m unsure if I’d be typing this journal up right here, right now. I want to be more outgoing, want to be less negative, want to be happier, bouncier, and just a better person.
So, to everyone who has helped me, everyone who is there for me, everyone who knows me: Here's to 2015, lets make it a good one.
-Kazak.
____________________________________________________________________________________Hey people, I never usually put journals up, detailing personal stuffs, and life stuffs, but I thought it would be worth doing so. Plus I said I would. This is going to be a fairly long journal, I can say, but will explain some stuff to some people who need explaining, and overall kind of a review of stuff in the last year.
First off, 2014. What a year, really. Probably the greatest year I’ve ever had, with the most positive things, however it was also one of my worst years as well. Sounds very conflicting no? The huge positive of 2014 is that I got more involved in the fandom as a whole. I attended my first convention in May, Confuzzled, and oh my GOD I fell in love with the atmosphere, the madness, the suiters, and most of all, I fell in love with the people I met. These people, who definitely know who they are, have absolutely made my year. I am without words to describe these people, they have made me the person I am today. More comfortable in myself, more outgoing, more chatty, and SO much happier. Oh god they’ve made me happy. After CFz, I immediately booked myself for Eurofurence, less for the con now and more for being able to just hang out with all the friends I’ve met. EF was amazing for this, then as soon as I came home I booked myself for NordicFuzzCon, purely because most of the people I met at EF and CFz were Swedish, how does that work ^^? Odd :)
Then, between August and November, I stressed about not being able to see virtually any friends I’d met over the past months, and with the help of Sotix, booked myself to go to Stockholm over New Years. This, which was between the 28th of December and the 4th of January, was beyond awesome. Having to leave the friends I’d chilled with over New Years was particularly heartbreaking, and I unashamedly broke down in Arlanda airport after getting through security, a combination of happiness for it happening, and sadness that it had to end.
2014, however, was a year of great sadness in many respects too. In January, I got hit by a very bad bout of depression, which although I had suffered from in the past, was one of the most severe instances I've suffered. Thoughts crossed my minds that I never thought would ever come into my mind. I sought help, of which not a lot was available without being reliant on medications, or with waiting lists were extraordinarily long. I made plans, and generally filled my time and the future with things to look forward to, and such. Was a fairly dark area in my life, but I worked through it, best I could, with the little support I could muster, and the support of select family members and friends. Then, in May, my grandfather passed away from cancer, and that hit me extremely hard. Infact, it hit my entire family hard, as to be expected. My grandfather was a big part of mine and my families life ever since he married my grandmother in the mid 90s. He wasn’t my grandfather by blood, but he was, without question, the best grandfather, father, husband, and friend to everyone. He’d go out of his way to be a truly spectacular individual. I left Confuzzled a day early to attend his funeral, which was on the normal exit day, which was hard in many ways to break something very happy up with something terribly sad. It was, and still is, quite surreal he is no longer with us. His usual mannerisms are still fresh in my mind, and it’s just an overly strange feeling. However, he is at peace which is something we can as a family come to accept.
Family issues have plagued me as well, namely alcoholism with a close family member. It’s gotten beyond the point of me trying to help and I feel really lost as to what to do, and this is a constant source of worry and despair, and is not something I can even begin to help with. Help must come from within, and without that person helping themselves, my help is useless. A very ongoing issue that seems to have no resolution unfortunately. It's a very big factor in pushing me away from my home at the moment, and motivating me to move away. This has included a recent 3 day hospital stay because that family member almost died due to alcohol poisoning.
During Confuzzled, as well, I lost a very good friend. I lost her friendship because I put zero effort into it at CFz, went off to converse, party, and generally try to socialise and not be the social outcast I usually was. In doing this, I forgot about this friend who helped me immeasurably, who was there for me, no matter the time of day, and no matter the situation. This friend, who I don’t believe I wish to name, purely out of respect for her, was a massive influence in my life, and I regret how I treated her. I promised her a good time at CFz together, and I failed completely in that task. I screwed up there, without question, and I never intend on doing something like that to anyone, ever again. I know how it feels to be excluded and ‘replaced’, it makes you feel beyond worthless, so why did I do it to someone so dear to me at the time? I cannot answer with certainty.
During the latter part of the year, my sadness returned, however this was now down to a change of job. I moved from my delivery job, to a call centre specialising in customer services for satellite television (Sky). The job, I was told, was inbound customer services, dealing with general queries etc. After training however, it switched to a very sales orientated role. It switched to me calling people up and selling them upgrades on their package for TV. I am a firm believer that if you want something, you’ll get it yourself, you don’t need someone selling it to you. And I hated it. Selling is something I will NEVER be able to do, and yet I was pressured, given targets, told to sell to people who obviously don’t need, want, or have any use for what I’m selling. It made me feel worthless beyond belief. Made me feel although my only purpose there is to get sales, not to help anyone, nothing else. I, personally, had a really good manager, and he genuinely tried his hardest to assist me where he can with all these issues, but there is only so far a boss can go before he himself is missing his targets and otherwise. Whole situation is fairly shitty.
The job situation however, to make it more of a positive ending journal, has been resolved somewhat. I quit that role after my New Year holiday and went back to my old job, albeit working for a different fast food place. Still delivering food, but this time, hopefully, I can move onto something better later on instead of getting into shitty jobs, with shittier prospects.
Onto more positives again, 2015 is a year I hope to turn into the definite greatest year of my life. I hope to combine all the positivity of 2014, none of the negativity, and to create more really good memories, meet more friends, and focus on all my best friends at the moment, as without them, I’m unsure if I’d be typing this journal up right here, right now. I want to be more outgoing, want to be less negative, want to be happier, bouncier, and just a better person.
So, to everyone who has helped me, everyone who is there for me, everyone who knows me: Here's to 2015, lets make it a good one.
-Kazak.
2015 man, MAN. JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESUS.
It'll be a better year!