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8 years, or how failure is made.
16 years ago
The Rantings of an Art Crazed Chow, Second verse, same as the first.
*** Warning, Emo Crud ahead, please turn back while you still can! ***
Last week I received a package, a usb drive enclosure. I figured it would be nice to have in case I have a major drive failure. While going through some old computer junk I had squirreled away, I came across the old hard drive for the first incarnation of LabRat, my home work computer. After some false starts, it was installed and ready to read. Amazing how much old stuff I've accumulated over the years, old pictures and such. One would think that it would be a happy time going down memory lane, but alas, a speedbump, a big one. I had logs from my IRC days and like a stupid idiot I started to read through them. Back then those were simple days, I had folks I hung out with, laughed, cried and just friend stuff. All happy until I came across logs from 2002.
It was a time that my mind blanked out and now I was reading the reasons why. A promising friendship that died a horrible death due to a misunderstanding. Now I won't go mentioning names and such, let's just say I did everything within my power (feeble as it may be) to save it, but the situation went far beyond fixing to do anything about it. I moved on but still the incident haunted me, reshaping my way of thinking about friendships to the point where I felt it was more safe to avoid close friendships and stick with just being acquaintances. When LabRat died, I took the harddrive out, stored it away and more or less buried my feelings, hurt as they were.
Now, reading these old logs, I still can't understand what when wrong, perhaps it would have been for the best to forget and try and carry on, but you see, I am quite an emotional being, a loyal being and when I feel my loyalty is in doubt, it sends ripples throughout my very being. How can I have folks trust me with their friendship when I can no longer trust myself to save one friendship that went south. In a sense it kinda explains my absence but only vaguely. Now I have to deal with these old memories and hope I can either purge them or let them rest again. Again folks, I must say that I would make a good friend, but with my doubts, I might turn such offered friendship away, don't be offended by that, old pains are hard to sooth.
Sorry.
Last week I received a package, a usb drive enclosure. I figured it would be nice to have in case I have a major drive failure. While going through some old computer junk I had squirreled away, I came across the old hard drive for the first incarnation of LabRat, my home work computer. After some false starts, it was installed and ready to read. Amazing how much old stuff I've accumulated over the years, old pictures and such. One would think that it would be a happy time going down memory lane, but alas, a speedbump, a big one. I had logs from my IRC days and like a stupid idiot I started to read through them. Back then those were simple days, I had folks I hung out with, laughed, cried and just friend stuff. All happy until I came across logs from 2002.
It was a time that my mind blanked out and now I was reading the reasons why. A promising friendship that died a horrible death due to a misunderstanding. Now I won't go mentioning names and such, let's just say I did everything within my power (feeble as it may be) to save it, but the situation went far beyond fixing to do anything about it. I moved on but still the incident haunted me, reshaping my way of thinking about friendships to the point where I felt it was more safe to avoid close friendships and stick with just being acquaintances. When LabRat died, I took the harddrive out, stored it away and more or less buried my feelings, hurt as they were.
Now, reading these old logs, I still can't understand what when wrong, perhaps it would have been for the best to forget and try and carry on, but you see, I am quite an emotional being, a loyal being and when I feel my loyalty is in doubt, it sends ripples throughout my very being. How can I have folks trust me with their friendship when I can no longer trust myself to save one friendship that went south. In a sense it kinda explains my absence but only vaguely. Now I have to deal with these old memories and hope I can either purge them or let them rest again. Again folks, I must say that I would make a good friend, but with my doubts, I might turn such offered friendship away, don't be offended by that, old pains are hard to sooth.
Sorry.
But yeah, you may not want a friend, but I do offer you my shoulder to lean on whenever I'm around.
I'm still here, and still hanging on.
d.m.f. (and a certain mouse...)