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Still feeling blah, gonna rant a lil...
10 years ago
I have no ranted in awhile, not a big one anyway, but I will get to the at the end so you can just ignore it if you want and at least read up on stuff going on if you like.
I estimated in my last journal that I would try to stream yesterday or today...which tonight did not happen because my doctors appointment was an eye appointment, so what do they do when they want to look at the back of my eyes? they dilate them... and that is where my dumb ass forgot, so no stream today ether, though I am still feeling ho-hum and not really wanting to do art, might stream Friday anyway because I am in need of money (it runs out too quick which brings me to my next order of business)
I feel I am gonna have to raise prices, I cannot continue on with how much I am making indefinitely of course, but I was rather hoping I would not have to raise them this year or next for that matter, but I have to, I am too sick, getting slower and slower at art to the point where I cannot rely on my speed anymore cause it's just not really there anymore and the government is still not helping and when I finally get my hearing I am still thinking they will turn me down because they are busy shelling out money to worthless people faking crap and don't want to spend more money (that was a mini rant, sorry but still...) so I hope I don't put anyone off, I am still thinking about prices and etc. but next time I take commissions they will be higher, sorry .__.;
This is the rant part, turn away if you don't want to read it!
I am not like quite a few artists here or elsewhere, I am not a famous artist (one that is is widely known just about everywhere and not confined to some little art pages) and yet I am still getting stabbed in the face with fame. I look at my Skype list and think "I wonder how many people would even want to know me if I was not an artist, why do I have so many people on my list that I barely know" then on the darker side of fame that people do not really fathom is when people use you up and throw you away or you make friends with some one that you are too scared to speak up to or about because of fear of losing people that I care about because they are friends with them.
I have too many people in all those categories and it scares me, I have times where I am holding my head in my hands and feeling like I can't breathe because of this sometimes and it is not fair to me, I am just a man, I am not the sum total of the lines I draw on the screen, I'm not a door mat of any kind.
I let the fact that I am lonely on a constant basis take over my good sense and add people I am unsure of onto Skype, beyond that I will stream even if I am super sick, extremely depressed and worse of all when my arms and shoulders ache so bad that I will stream anyway just so I can talk to ANYONE, those are all far worse to me then just needing money I feel.
So as much as much as I love a lot of people I can't add everyone to Skype, in fact I am planing on taking people off, it is useless for me to try and convince people that they did nothing wrong because they will feel bad, so all I can say is sorry., to all those who would seek help from me, I can't, I am sorry. and to the ones I really am close to I wish I could help, but I have to take care of my self and my brother in what ever way I can, also I don't have extra money laying around, I just have what I make from commissions so I want to be able to buy games which helps in those times when I am alone (though does not replace people, at least I can try to distract my self)
I think I have done well in another matter, I have tried very hard to keep up with commissions and to not ask for donations outright, but my commissions are slipping now that I am not doing too great again so now people are waiting on me when I can barely be awake most of the time and when I am I have been staring at Netflix for hours on end... and even though it is really hypocritical of me, I want help... I want help sooo bad that I fight my self all the time to ask for money from anyone, but right now I wish I could get some... kinda wish I did not buy this new keyboard, but it lights up and is easier on my hands for typing... sometimes I wish that that silver lining will appear for me, people say that since I have helped so many I will get helped back because of karma, but I only get bad luck so I dunno.
Anyhoo that is all I have, sorry about the length, and sorry if a lot of that was just jumbled bits of my mind in word form, but I needed to get stuff off of my chest, I think I will just avoid streaming this week, don't want to stream while I am depressed... thanks for reading and hope you guys can understand.
I estimated in my last journal that I would try to stream yesterday or today...which tonight did not happen because my doctors appointment was an eye appointment, so what do they do when they want to look at the back of my eyes? they dilate them... and that is where my dumb ass forgot, so no stream today ether, though I am still feeling ho-hum and not really wanting to do art, might stream Friday anyway because I am in need of money (it runs out too quick which brings me to my next order of business)
I feel I am gonna have to raise prices, I cannot continue on with how much I am making indefinitely of course, but I was rather hoping I would not have to raise them this year or next for that matter, but I have to, I am too sick, getting slower and slower at art to the point where I cannot rely on my speed anymore cause it's just not really there anymore and the government is still not helping and when I finally get my hearing I am still thinking they will turn me down because they are busy shelling out money to worthless people faking crap and don't want to spend more money (that was a mini rant, sorry but still...) so I hope I don't put anyone off, I am still thinking about prices and etc. but next time I take commissions they will be higher, sorry .__.;
This is the rant part, turn away if you don't want to read it!
I am not like quite a few artists here or elsewhere, I am not a famous artist (one that is is widely known just about everywhere and not confined to some little art pages) and yet I am still getting stabbed in the face with fame. I look at my Skype list and think "I wonder how many people would even want to know me if I was not an artist, why do I have so many people on my list that I barely know" then on the darker side of fame that people do not really fathom is when people use you up and throw you away or you make friends with some one that you are too scared to speak up to or about because of fear of losing people that I care about because they are friends with them.
I have too many people in all those categories and it scares me, I have times where I am holding my head in my hands and feeling like I can't breathe because of this sometimes and it is not fair to me, I am just a man, I am not the sum total of the lines I draw on the screen, I'm not a door mat of any kind.
I let the fact that I am lonely on a constant basis take over my good sense and add people I am unsure of onto Skype, beyond that I will stream even if I am super sick, extremely depressed and worse of all when my arms and shoulders ache so bad that I will stream anyway just so I can talk to ANYONE, those are all far worse to me then just needing money I feel.
So as much as much as I love a lot of people I can't add everyone to Skype, in fact I am planing on taking people off, it is useless for me to try and convince people that they did nothing wrong because they will feel bad, so all I can say is sorry., to all those who would seek help from me, I can't, I am sorry. and to the ones I really am close to I wish I could help, but I have to take care of my self and my brother in what ever way I can, also I don't have extra money laying around, I just have what I make from commissions so I want to be able to buy games which helps in those times when I am alone (though does not replace people, at least I can try to distract my self)
I think I have done well in another matter, I have tried very hard to keep up with commissions and to not ask for donations outright, but my commissions are slipping now that I am not doing too great again so now people are waiting on me when I can barely be awake most of the time and when I am I have been staring at Netflix for hours on end... and even though it is really hypocritical of me, I want help... I want help sooo bad that I fight my self all the time to ask for money from anyone, but right now I wish I could get some... kinda wish I did not buy this new keyboard, but it lights up and is easier on my hands for typing... sometimes I wish that that silver lining will appear for me, people say that since I have helped so many I will get helped back because of karma, but I only get bad luck so I dunno.
Anyhoo that is all I have, sorry about the length, and sorry if a lot of that was just jumbled bits of my mind in word form, but I needed to get stuff off of my chest, I think I will just avoid streaming this week, don't want to stream while I am depressed... thanks for reading and hope you guys can understand.
JUST keep going, get better, that is the only thing we can do in this world. Is keep moving forwards.
Not everyone can offer flood water aid, and that's okay too, but it doesn't mean you owe them anything.
People like art, and sometimes they really like not to pay for it. This is why it's a good policy to get people to pay for commissions no matter how close they are. (And why I try to insist on paying every time we talk about me getting a commission.) If you feel bad about it, then put a little extra effort into those commissions you take from friends, but charge them any ways if they want art. Friends won't worry about it because it's fair trade (and extra effort!), and users will bugger off because they're users. Win win! Not that doing that really makes everything easier... if someone buggers off because they were trying to use you for art that hurts. I'm glad my art isn't good enough to get those kinds of people around, because it would drive me nuts.
I am sorry I haven't been on Skype as often as I could be. Living with room mates is awesome in many many ways, but you know me and my social anxiety. I use up all my energy trying not to be scared of them (they're awesome people, but I still get scared of them), and then have no energy to talk on Skype. :( I'll try to be better at that.
As for donations, I've got moths flying out of my wallet as Rick and I still struggle to find jobs, but when I get a job, I'll throw a little your way. I AM glad you got a new keyboard though. I think it's a need more than a want... That's where you get your social interaction from for the most part.
I loves you Puppy. You take care of you. You're your own #1 priority because that's how it SHOULD be. You can't help anyone if you're running on empty. Look at it this way -- that's why they tell you to put on your own emergency mask before helping other people. Take care of you, then your brother, then see what's left over. It's just how the world works, and it's OKAY to want to do that. It's PERFECTLY NORMAL to take care of you and your first and then worry about the needs and wants of others, so don't feel bad about it.
And I'm glad you're raising your prices. You're worth it.
Loves, Plushie
Best wishes and hope you fell well soon, I support and look forward to your raised prices, you deserve the proper compensation for your time and efforts. Your art you have done for me in the past has always been worth every bit as it has greatly helped me understand the characters I'm working with.
oh... and if you didnt draw... I would love you just the same
Solution to the problem is equally simple - be yourself.
People who bail because you aren't doing art aren't your friends so you don't need them.
People who bail because they're offended at something you've said also aren't your friends - don't need 'em either.
The small handful that are left after that are your friends - it really is that simple.
Take a look at my page - there's two halves - the art and the political journals.
The art is enjoyed by most, the journals are hated by most.
I could have a ton of friends and fans if I only kept my opinion to myself and just didn't say stuff that offended those folks...but...if I can't be me then why even be? Besides, if you dig through the journals you'll find that a lot of the folks who disagree with me are rather rude and unpleasant folks to deal with, meaning that the journals make an awesome filter by removing folks who aren't going to click with me anyway.
So to put it in a way that you'll be able to relate to as an artist, which would you prefer - a hundred drawings that look like they were done by a crippled monkey with it's off hand or two or three really well done picts of your favorite subject matter by your favorite artist?
What your doing now is the hundred picts, being yourself and finding out who your real friends are is the two or three well done picts.
So start tossing that crap the monkey drew and find yourself some nice art instead - remember, quality, not quantity.
You are a reliable artist Puppy. You finish what you start, anyone who has watched you for as long as I have knows that. So I think it's only reasonable to accept that you might have to slow down or drop a commission for tonight if you suddenly start hurting or run out of energy faster than you thought.
I can understand it's probably your loneliness pushing you to work harder and not quit when you really should... I'm glad you've come to this realization now. But please. PLEASE. Be more selfish. Do look after yourself, your brother, take care of yourself! It IS important. And I know you often feel like you're a bother, but you really can poke me at Skype if you feel lonely and want someone to talk to. If I have the time, I'm not opposed to just being quiet while you watch Netflix & I play Skyrim etc if it helps and makes you feel less lonely.
What are friends for, right?
There will be nothing for anyone to get out of you if you burn yourself out or even die. :c
But excuse my language - fuck everyone. It's YOUR life Puppy. If YOU want something, if something is important to YOU... go for it. Someone gets mad at you for it? Fuck them, you don't owe them any apologies or explanations for doing right by yourself.
I don't care if you draw or don't. I don't even care if we weren't friends anymore, but...
I do care about you. Your well-being, health, happiness. If it meant removing me, or stopping art or or God knows what... I'd be okay with that. As long as it truly made you feel better about yourself and your life.
((not saying I think you'll remove me as a friend, but saying that even that is not something I would hold against you or be afraid of - sure, our friendship matters to me and it would hurt if you did, I won't lie... But I also really mean it that I wouldn't mind if you did it to make yourself happier.))