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Self Perception
11 years ago
General
One thing that life has taught me over and again is that people rarely see themselves as they actually are. Maybe this is a good thing.
When I was in around 13 years old I took private art lessons to learn oil painting. This was a time in my life when I was shy and got bullied a lot in school, so the weekend art lessons were a break from all that and I felt happy there. It improved my confidence. Mom would drop off my sister and me and for hours we would paint and receive instruction from Linda the teacher. The art students my age were nice to me and did not think I was a huge nerd. At a time in my life when other kids always made fun of me, this was amazing.
One day I was feeling particularly giddy (a rare treat in those days) so before lessons began I sauntered around the classroom before Linda got there and offered my art critiques to the other students. "Needs more yellow" or "make that darker" I chirped with happiness. I saw nothing wrong with what I was saying and I thought I was being helpful. Really. When Linda got there the students were implementing my advice to their paintings and she asked why and they told her. She was furious and called me into her office. For several minutes she chewed me out for contradicting her art instruction and who did I think I was? It came as a shock to me and I felt like she skewered me on a spear with her words. Once she dismissed me from her office I hid in the bathroom and cried until my mom came to pick me up.
I was just a kid.
Looking back it is easy to see what I did wrong- poor socialization and complete unawareness- but Linda saw me as arrogant and disrespectful. She projected onto me traits that I did not possess, probably because other adults had pissed her off too. It took me years to become properly socialized because I was such an introvert, and even in college I made stupid mistakes that garnered me enemies. What was me being clueless was interpreted as rudeness or arrogance or whatever, but people are not mind-readers so how can you blame them?
It happened again with a teacher in art college named Mr. Robinson. He despised the way I drew figures and let me know it, even though I was new to life drawing and could not understand why he took a hate to me. I was a quiet student and tried my best to please teachers. He laid into my art, calling it "shit" and so I tried to make a joke to lighten the mood and that just made him angrier. It was puzzling. Much later when i was no longer his student I walked into the computer lab and he started yelling at me because I had a water bottle...which tipped off his tirade about how I thought I was "above the rules" and I had "always" been like this. Wha-? When had I ever given that impression to this guy? Again, it was bizarre and I could not figure out where he got these notions about me. Who exactly was he imagining?
I have no idea how I come across even now. I try to be considerate and kind and not step on anyone's toes, but oftentimes the recipient has their own issues so I step on landmines instead. It seems this was the case with those two art teachers, but maybe I triggered it by acting goofy. Certainly I am not alone here.
And here is where I get prescriptive: Assume Best Intentions. This applies to all of us- just give the benefit of the doubt. It's hard to undue years of mental self-defense but try it. Maybe that comment on your art was not an insult but a fumbling attempt at humor. Perhaps that co-worker is doing the best she can with ADHD. And that person who did not friend you back on Facebook? It could be they just never cared about social media. Being suspicious and on guard against people will not make you friends anyway.
Even the nicest and most beloved among us have detractors.
When I was in around 13 years old I took private art lessons to learn oil painting. This was a time in my life when I was shy and got bullied a lot in school, so the weekend art lessons were a break from all that and I felt happy there. It improved my confidence. Mom would drop off my sister and me and for hours we would paint and receive instruction from Linda the teacher. The art students my age were nice to me and did not think I was a huge nerd. At a time in my life when other kids always made fun of me, this was amazing.
One day I was feeling particularly giddy (a rare treat in those days) so before lessons began I sauntered around the classroom before Linda got there and offered my art critiques to the other students. "Needs more yellow" or "make that darker" I chirped with happiness. I saw nothing wrong with what I was saying and I thought I was being helpful. Really. When Linda got there the students were implementing my advice to their paintings and she asked why and they told her. She was furious and called me into her office. For several minutes she chewed me out for contradicting her art instruction and who did I think I was? It came as a shock to me and I felt like she skewered me on a spear with her words. Once she dismissed me from her office I hid in the bathroom and cried until my mom came to pick me up.
I was just a kid.
Looking back it is easy to see what I did wrong- poor socialization and complete unawareness- but Linda saw me as arrogant and disrespectful. She projected onto me traits that I did not possess, probably because other adults had pissed her off too. It took me years to become properly socialized because I was such an introvert, and even in college I made stupid mistakes that garnered me enemies. What was me being clueless was interpreted as rudeness or arrogance or whatever, but people are not mind-readers so how can you blame them?
It happened again with a teacher in art college named Mr. Robinson. He despised the way I drew figures and let me know it, even though I was new to life drawing and could not understand why he took a hate to me. I was a quiet student and tried my best to please teachers. He laid into my art, calling it "shit" and so I tried to make a joke to lighten the mood and that just made him angrier. It was puzzling. Much later when i was no longer his student I walked into the computer lab and he started yelling at me because I had a water bottle...which tipped off his tirade about how I thought I was "above the rules" and I had "always" been like this. Wha-? When had I ever given that impression to this guy? Again, it was bizarre and I could not figure out where he got these notions about me. Who exactly was he imagining?
I have no idea how I come across even now. I try to be considerate and kind and not step on anyone's toes, but oftentimes the recipient has their own issues so I step on landmines instead. It seems this was the case with those two art teachers, but maybe I triggered it by acting goofy. Certainly I am not alone here.
And here is where I get prescriptive: Assume Best Intentions. This applies to all of us- just give the benefit of the doubt. It's hard to undue years of mental self-defense but try it. Maybe that comment on your art was not an insult but a fumbling attempt at humor. Perhaps that co-worker is doing the best she can with ADHD. And that person who did not friend you back on Facebook? It could be they just never cared about social media. Being suspicious and on guard against people will not make you friends anyway.
Even the nicest and most beloved among us have detractors.
And as someone who can potentially earn enough to live on from art alone, should you choose to do so - I think you can safely have if not the last laugh, then at least a gentle smile.
FWIW, my perception of you has always been a professional acting, if reserved and private person.
And modest, too!
Chicks dig you, because you can really wear underwear - and when you do, it's always something pretty special!
The "social language" (socialization, reading body/face language, whatever) is, like any language, best learned while young. Not only is that when the necessary learning capacity is at its greatest, but it's also when those who factor in such things as age are most likely to forgive mistakes.
Those who don't acquire the necessary foundation for this grow up to be nerds. But as adults their behavior isn't seen as mistakes because it's assumed they "know better." It's taken to be deliberate rudeness, arrogance, etc. They'll never learn to be as smooth or socially graceful as others, but if someone takes the time to reach past the surface, make contact, and maybe offer them a chance a nerd can learn enough to be at least less annoying. The presumption of maturity is the biggest obstacle.
tl;dr
Nerds probably don't understand what they're doing wrong, and non-nerds don't bother to recognize that.
Some play along and joke...some don't. They can be good natured about it...or go nuts in a bad way.
One of life's lessons on human nature.
Just the mere last five years alone being away from that place, I had come back to Texas on the western side only to discover culture shock as people were very nice, polite, friendly, and only looking to run you over if you don't drive the speed limit or better. It's been oddly very comfortable here. I don't have near the stress I did for the last 30 years and I've found some great friends in this place that have been great to hang out with. The change actually came from a rediscovery of self. I've met a lot of people in my time and some have managed to allow me to see myself in a mirror of sorts. When anyone can take the time to pause for five minutes and ask themselves the question of how others view them, it should allow them to consider "Is this how I want people to see me, Is this how I want to see myself?"
Sure, friends still make jokes about how I'm dedicated to anger and evil, we crack jokes back and forth and somehow I'm just fine with this.
http://www.sott.net/article/268449-.....otect-yourself
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archiv.....s-narcissists/
I suspect also it's because sociopaths view empathic people as threats. Most of the empathic people I know either see through sociopaths or show up how shallow a sociopaths act of being caring is.
I've noticed is that what most people call empathy isn't actually empathy. I refer to what "normal" people call empathy as shared social understanding, because it's basically the ability to understand the social language of an individual who is like you. Whereas true empathy is the ability to understand individuals who are both like you and not like you.
As a result because many people think they have empathy because they get on with and understand those like them, but at the same time they never ever realise that they are completely misjudging people not like them because they're trying to measure us by a standard that is as alien to people who don't meet the "norm" as ballooning would be to a fish.
Another thing I've noticed is that although most people think they view someone's actions/words and then decide to like/hate them, they actually don't do that. The average person decides if they like someone or not and then looks for reasons to justify that. Any information that contradicts the already formed opinion of "I like/dislike this person" tends to be automatically discarded.
Of course, the average person's tendency to make themselves the hero of their story, and therefore view themselves as a good person further entrenches this, because people tend to assume that good people only like good people and dislike bad people, and therefore reject information that they're wrong about someone because it implies they're wrong about themselves as well.
I don't know if there is any way to offset those biases in other people though.
I hope that I do not make myself the hero of my stories. Most of my tales are just weird.
You have so much enchantment and charisma in your art. I've always been taken with your style...
This is often a good way to tell if a person really does have problems with "social language" or if they're just a jerk: The typical reaction of the former tends to be on the lines of "oops, sorry, I'll try to stop using it," and of the latter tends to be more "don't tell me what to say! I have freeze peach!"
Souns like you were sharing what you knew, but unless you being pushy and obnoxious and demeaning, then it teacher's problem... be it self-centricity or control issues or assigning wrong motives.
...sounds like.
Teacher #2 was a prick, pure and simple. Probably in an abusive relationship of some sort or another and thought that kind of abuse is acceptable.
.....which, of course, it never is. What he really needed was some big strong gal to slap HIM around to see how HE likes it, and then make him THINK about how he treats others.
Those little bits of info explain a lot about you.
The tiny little bit that I've dealt with you, youve been aloof, and given your level of talent, that confused me... normally people like that can TOTALLY get away with being overbearing and even kind of rude (not good, but understandable) . I mean, someon can go to ANY furcon and say your name and half if not 90+% of the people will know who they're talking about. .. that's some notoriety!
Tables have turned... all those image-obsessed girls in school? Any of them got that kind of claim?
...just don't let it go to your head... remember teacher #2.
You have a suppressed (?) Temper that could probably stand to be closer to the surface (?) ....controlled, of course, but it'll help scare away a few creeps, would-be stalkers & others who'd like to take advantage of you (sharpen those claws, baby! Just keep them sheathed until needed)
My thoughts
...but like said, the grand total of time I've spent with you probably totals under five minutes.
Plus, is easy to do a bit of "communication" with your art. .. your creative and expressive outlet, comments or no.
As for aloof in person, yeah, I started cons in 2002 so that would have been right about when you were talking about. Between the harassment that known artists endure added to a touch of shy and/or not being good with crowds, was understandable, so yes, aloof, but not cripplingly so.
WCS, at this point, you see it, you RECOGNIZE it, and most important, (seems like) you're DOING something about it.
Nerds & picked-on kids always seem to grow into the most interesting adults.
NEVER STOP IMPROVING! :COOL:
Don't put too much thought into what others think of you.
I've learned most only try to point out the flaws in others ( real or imagined ) in an effort to conceal their own. So your instructors must have had some serious skeletons in the closet to go off like that. Piss poor instructors in my opinion.
We all live in our own little headworlds. In some people's, I'm a hero, in others a monster, and in most I don't appear at all. It was very liberating when I realized that most people are so taken up with their own business, that they pretty much never think about me - so why should I worry "What the neighbors think"?
Well. May you never be inappropriately or inordinately punished again.
And I did, the chair, the Coffee Box and diaper box complete with lettering and as far as my own reflection in the chrome chair leg.
In my freshman year in college I had the same type as your nightmare, chastising me for "Thinking outside the box", wasn't happy I had drawn 2 characters leaning against the assigned blocks, cubes and spheres looking bored. And always insisted I stay within the sphere.
I was once the type of artist that could draw you and make it look like a black and white photograph, but that was shit in the instructors eyes and was chastised for that as well. Literally destroying any desire to do art again. I stopped drawing for almost 3 years because of that one teacher, throwing away my major.
I can't draw the photo-realistic way again if my life depended on it. I've since then always been easily swayed to stop drawing if a few people jump me and call my art crap.
This past 2-3 years especially dealing with the trolls hit me badly.
Though I have noticed that the usual hard core complainers of artists...are usually non-artists who THINK they are God's gift of knowing talent and design.
Once I got passed beginning art first year of high school, I took advanced art (or Art II) every year after. Art II meant the art teacher didn't care what I did as long as I was working on something. Pencil portrait of Leatherface from Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Great! Crappy oil painting of my staition wagon? In the display case!
It was my favorite class. Everyone left me alone, even the teacher. I didn't get picked on in high school. Middle school broke me pretty quick. I learned to be a phantom. People didn't hardly know I was there.
Kinda like here...hmm...Maybe I got too good at being invisible...
If it helps, my impression of you here and on YNA back in the day has always been positive. Your strike me as a talented and helpful type. Only giving critiques when asked for, and then given with kindness. When I met you at AC in '06, you seemed friendly and professional. Although I was a little taken aback when you mentioned that you thought I'd be female, I forgave you (I should really draw more guys XP). Speaking of YNA, I had mixed feelings about the critique side of things on there. Sure, it was the purpose of the site, but still. The community is what made it tick. More often than not, when I posted a crit, it was to comment on a picture that I liked.
FWIW, I took it as a compliment... that was just my attempt at making a funny
I know exactly how you feel about not knowing how you come across to others. For years I went thru life thinking I was some kinda freak with no manners because people told me that for a very long time. I had low self esteem and fearful of always saying or doing the wrong thing. What I did not realize was that I was raised under extreme hardship as a child and it had left me with what the counselors said was PTSD. Little did I know growing up I had unusual circumstances as a child. I had no idea my mother had unmedicated schizophrenia. It was confusing to me because by the time I got into school after a couple of years I realized my mother was not like the other kids mothers (and we had been living somewhat in an isolated situation). I had already been thru one incident of her trying to kill us all before I started school (with a few more after that). By then my father was an angry man and slowly becoming an alcoholic and womanizer, he beat my Mum on a regular basis just because he was angry all the time. He yelled at us kids often enough usually a get to your room and we would then get to hear the awful beatings. Later he began to hit me so I learned not to come to close to him.
The stigma of having a mentally ill mother and domestic abuse caused the other kids and families to often shun me from their homes. To top this all off I had no aunts, uncles, grandparents or cousins. What I had been told was they all died in the war. I had absolutely no one to go to to ask if this or that was normal (teachers can be callous at times, not realizing I had a very unusual situation but I feel most of them really don't care about kids over time or they are not allowed to get too involved). Usually I had to watch my mother and her moods ever attentive to see if she was going to go off that day, that moment (her suicide was a constant worry). I learned to put up a tough front and walls but I was very sensitive and hurt. The ONLY thing that seemed to keep me from losing hope as a kid was my art. I drew a lot and wrote stories. I was also athletic and loved to ride my bike it was freedom to get away from them.
I drew everything I could, from teen music idols to furries, and yes I got teased over the furries. I got bullied a lot until one day I found my fists and had enough on the play ground and beat the crap out of several people. The only thing in my life that really did anything to help me was my art. And like some of the other posters here I went to high school and college and "realism" was considered low and crappy art, abstacts were all the rage and still are it seems. That is why art became a joke in society, anyone can toss paint at a canvass or put a cows head in it's own blood and call it "ART" (ok maybe to some it's "profound"). I found fantasy art and realized that there were others like me who loved representational art. I went that direction, now I am in a classical fine arts school and proud! No longer afraid to tell people I love illustration and fine painting and even omg furries. But over all the years of people telling me I wasn't "ok" and my family was not "ok" I had grown angry with thick spikey walls. But that wasn't me really. Over time I realized I was highly undersocialized and testy, I hadn't been allowed to play with kids often, or they just avoided us, teachers were always making me feel stupid when I was above average intelligence actually (I grew weary of hearing "you are so smart you should be able to do this what is wrong with you?") I would clam up an cringe in pain. And years of people calling me "strange". I believed it then.
I missed a lot of clues on how to be in social situations, my socialization was with dysfunction at home to the nth degree and mostly bullies, I did once in a while have someone that "got" me and was a friend until we moved again. I put myself into counseling and group therapy. I was thankful to realize I wasn't the ONLY one with f***d parents and was a sensitive and under socialized. All of us had done our best to pretend to be "normal" to everyone else (this is very wearing on us). The stories I heard made me finally open up and healing began.
In the last 6 years I have taken time to learn who I am and how I tick and not kick myself for it. I recently graduated graphic design school before I entered this current school. We had to take the Myers-Briggs tests, and I was shocked and pleased to get my personality profile. INFJ, which is the rarest one of all 16 types. We are intuitive highly sensitive usually empathic, quiet, usually some kind of artistic bent, actually good leaders in a different way, kind, compassionate, love balance and harmony, spiritual and like/love most people. We are considered the counselors, in tribal situations the Shaman( find yourself having people spill their guts to you and you barely know them?). Being only 1.5% of the population puts us in a unique position and I have found that just about EVERY INFJ thought something was seriously wrong with them. We are just introverts with a vivid inner life, reserved, kind loving but hard to get close to. We don't really understand the rest of humanity it's like living amongst aliens. The callousness we see people treat each other with is strange to us. We can't see a reason for it. Seeing some of the comments here I suspect most here are of the introverted personalities, and our society is pro extroverts. They put us down for introversion, enjoying hours of alone time doing art, reading, music, something personal. Yet the extroverts are the ones enjoying all that art, movies, music. I personally am tired of people saying "be more out going"!! I am always kind to people I meet and when I want to, reach out to talk. I am an extroverted introvert. But I feel overwhelmed when too much stimulation hits me that I can close down rapidly and lose all my energy.
This society has been set up to praise and support extroversion. This has made it hard for most of us here I think to not feel like we are some how "bad" or "something is wrong with me" thoughts.
I am now at a point in my life where I will stick up for myself when I get the usual why are you so "moody" or " you should get out more". I am old enough to say "because I am not built like you and get all my energy off other people, they just drain me and I need quiet, and doing art requires a lot of quiet work". I might even say I am happy with a small circle of friends and it is enough. I am becoming almost to the point of pushing back HARD when someone gives me crap about not being more sociable and out going and go go go party party. It's not me if you can't handle it don't be my friend it's fine by me you just wear me out with all this going.I have also been called aloof and didn't think I was.I took the time to listen to and read the blog on a TED talk by Susan Cain about introverts. http://blog.ted.com/its-ok-to-eat-a.....th-susan-cain/
I have nothing against extroverts but I am tired of the in your face let you know how they feel all the time. I now try not to take it personally. I feel out a person before I make a comment or suggest anything and if anyone asks me a critique I think very carefully before I say what i think. Too many of us, artistics and unusual creative unique minds, are so used to being condemned for just being ourselves that we have walls.
I finally feel freer to be myself and I really don't care what others think of me, yes at times I slip into lack of self esteem moments but then have a talk to myself and try to imagine that a lot of others are feeling a bit unsure of themselves too. My goal is to one day just be me, comfortable with me, easy going and being just me whatever that me is. Flaws and all and laugh them off when it comes to my attention or calmly ask forgiveness to those i have inadvertently offended not realizing it. (And as one poster said some people are always awake from the wrong side of the bed, there's little to be done with someone determined to be offended or have a bad day).
As Megan says, Assume the best intentions. Everyone has a back story they are dealing with. Love is the salve that can make the world a bit more livable.
Hugs to all and love yourselves.