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Entry #3 : Suicidality
10 years ago
Yay, another Entry.
Lately, I've been thinking about suicide. Again. This is a topic that isn't only tangent to me, but actually relevant to me. I've often enough thought about ending my life. During high school, that ended only 6 months ago for me btw, I felt like I was worth nothing. Rejection by 30 persons simultaneously at a daily basis not only gets to you, but also poisons your mind. It slowly eats you up, letting your sanity shrivel away till there's nothing left. It is worst feeling imaginable to me; The crippling loneliness is something you sometimes just can't return optimistically from. Why would one consider to kill themselves? Because one can feel like a burden and a waste of air during those times. Mostly intelligent people are affected by this, which does NOT help, since those people are naturally better at finding reasons for their need. Their complexes spiral into a void they at one point can no longer escape from; They die inside.
This issue is one that is extremely dear to me, because sometimes, I still panic and go back to that time again. I can not supply answers for every question those people might have. But here's one I found for one of mine:
Every single life is pointless. That is correct, but not the whole truth; The truth is that there is no point in life because we have to MAKE one. We have to forge our own meaning and make our own dreams come true. It's like a canvas; seemingly white and monotone, but full of endless possibilities. :3
Which would you rather have, a journey with a mindset of, 'this doesn't matter, none of it does, everything should just die.'
Or, a journey with a mindset of, 'Despite none of this mattering, I am going to try to make it an enjoyable ride for myself and those that I care about.'
Personally, I am of the mind that the latter actually requires effort- rather than recoiling like a turtle into its shell and glaring wickedly out at the entirety of Creation as if it has somehow betrayed you.
What I do recommend, is casting away the unhealthy Nihilistic mindset, as nothing good or pleasant can come from acting out of it.
Work instead, to bring a more engaging experience, with whatever you find yourself wanting to do- to share with all those who you cherish around you.
Because the ride isn't -nearly- over for you yet, young man.
Now pick yourself back up, for I guarantee that there is still literal universes awaiting within that you've yet to discover.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RiM5a-vaNkg
This talk by Andrew Solomon really does show what my philosophy essentially originates from. I want the pain I endured to become something that I forged meaning and purpose out of. I want to live a life of activity and innovation; to become someone inspiring that maybe someday saves someone else from the brink of suicide with that certain spark of inspiration.
We CHOOSE what our life means. That is the meaning of life; Freedom through pointlessness. :3