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My Last letter for help....(suicidal)
10 years ago
THis is a letter which was written for papabear, but anyone if they want to comment on this... let me know..
(Life or Death
I dont know
“To Die, To sleep, No More”
no more pain
no more being wrong, an abomination
you win Christians.)
Dear PapaBear,
I've been somewhat lurking and neglecting to post this on here for some time, but in all honesty... I might be dead by the morning light.
I only have one question for you and anyone who wants to answer it, but I might need to establish some background first.
10 years ago, I figured out I was wrong. Wrong for existing, wrong for not doing well at scholastics, and wrong most of all for not being the Christian man I should be.
I was molested by a younger man (whose name shall remain anonymous for his protection,not a fur though)at the age of 11, he was 9 at the time. I tried to secure the newfound friendship because of my family's (then) recent bonding with his family. Both families being very devout Christians, and homeschoolers seemed like a perfect match and I wanted that to happen between him and myself...
I was tricked into being molested, and was told never to tell about it; but for three years I waited until I couldn't take the hatred, disgust and desire to murder the kid anymore. I exploded in anger, wishing I was never born when he was assigned to a group for a game. that next week, I told my parents. They couldn't believe it. I internalized the anger and redirected it from him, back to myself, for being wrong.
10 years ago, I also figured out I liked guys. Mainly I had crushes on both male and female kid celebrities and equated the usual hangout with full blown sex at the time… Making my attraction to guys and abomination, and making ME an abomination.
I knew what the Bible said about Gays as much as any 9 year old would… not much except you had to change or (in my understanding) kill myself to get rid of this “abomination”.
My heart was broken, full of self hatred and guilt for not being the right Christian, and desiring my complete and total destruction. but then, my cousin committed suicide at the age of 12, me being a year younger, he was the closest person I had to a brother. because of how harmful his suicide was to the whole family, I knew I couldn't do that… even though I still believe its what God wants and what the Christians want since i’m Bisexual today.
Because of this, I can ask this question..
What should I do? Live a miserable life hating my entire existence and fighting the urge every 5 seconds to self harm and wound myself; or Live a free life but losing the family and people I love in the process?
I should also add, I’m a third year sophomore going for a Mechanical Engineering degree (Via Tennessee Tech University and Motlow College) to possibly make characters come to life in the future. I’ve never Dated for all 21 years of life, and I live in the bible Belt Buckle Of Tennessee (no getting away from Christian Hatred). My father is a minister, my mother is very devout, my sister is a successful student athlete gymnast in Georgia, and I just try to keep myself from committing suicide because its wrong.
Everyone wants me to live. But only if its their way, or some sort of way that is decreed by the Bible or something else….
All in all, I hate myself, but don't want to, and want to freely live without these thoughts of guilt and hatred towards myself.
Please respond soon,
Slayton James Talon/ ST16
(Life or Death
I dont know
“To Die, To sleep, No More”
no more pain
no more being wrong, an abomination
you win Christians.)
Dear PapaBear,
I've been somewhat lurking and neglecting to post this on here for some time, but in all honesty... I might be dead by the morning light.
I only have one question for you and anyone who wants to answer it, but I might need to establish some background first.
10 years ago, I figured out I was wrong. Wrong for existing, wrong for not doing well at scholastics, and wrong most of all for not being the Christian man I should be.
I was molested by a younger man (whose name shall remain anonymous for his protection,not a fur though)at the age of 11, he was 9 at the time. I tried to secure the newfound friendship because of my family's (then) recent bonding with his family. Both families being very devout Christians, and homeschoolers seemed like a perfect match and I wanted that to happen between him and myself...
I was tricked into being molested, and was told never to tell about it; but for three years I waited until I couldn't take the hatred, disgust and desire to murder the kid anymore. I exploded in anger, wishing I was never born when he was assigned to a group for a game. that next week, I told my parents. They couldn't believe it. I internalized the anger and redirected it from him, back to myself, for being wrong.
10 years ago, I also figured out I liked guys. Mainly I had crushes on both male and female kid celebrities and equated the usual hangout with full blown sex at the time… Making my attraction to guys and abomination, and making ME an abomination.
I knew what the Bible said about Gays as much as any 9 year old would… not much except you had to change or (in my understanding) kill myself to get rid of this “abomination”.
My heart was broken, full of self hatred and guilt for not being the right Christian, and desiring my complete and total destruction. but then, my cousin committed suicide at the age of 12, me being a year younger, he was the closest person I had to a brother. because of how harmful his suicide was to the whole family, I knew I couldn't do that… even though I still believe its what God wants and what the Christians want since i’m Bisexual today.
Because of this, I can ask this question..
What should I do? Live a miserable life hating my entire existence and fighting the urge every 5 seconds to self harm and wound myself; or Live a free life but losing the family and people I love in the process?
I should also add, I’m a third year sophomore going for a Mechanical Engineering degree (Via Tennessee Tech University and Motlow College) to possibly make characters come to life in the future. I’ve never Dated for all 21 years of life, and I live in the bible Belt Buckle Of Tennessee (no getting away from Christian Hatred). My father is a minister, my mother is very devout, my sister is a successful student athlete gymnast in Georgia, and I just try to keep myself from committing suicide because its wrong.
Everyone wants me to live. But only if its their way, or some sort of way that is decreed by the Bible or something else….
All in all, I hate myself, but don't want to, and want to freely live without these thoughts of guilt and hatred towards myself.
Please respond soon,
Slayton James Talon/ ST16
What matters if you are a good person. Do you love and are devout? Then your sexuality shouldn't hindering you from appreciating and continuing your faith. You can be Bi/Gay and still be apart of the church.
I understand that you live in a very devout household but you have your life to live and your path to follow. Suicide is not the answer, its a permanent solution to temporary problems. First you have to confront that you aren't a bad person, and that liking someone who is of the same sex is not evil. You are good, and have always tried to be good.
That aside, no one (yourself included) should ever consider suicide. Everyone has a purpose in life, and your importance is greater than you, or me, or anyone else might realize now. Keep your chin up. The bad times always pass, and this one will too. And once it does, you'll be happy you didn't make a mistake and do anything drastic about it, I promise.