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Longing... Pursuit of Happiness. I am standing in my way.
10 years ago
General
:,(
I lost my spirit...
My desire to be happy again, is killing my soul.
Now I can hardly exist in the very moment in the present anymore.
My mind is teared apart into the fear of the future and into the wounds and mistakes from my past.
So many people and those who I call friends keep telling me "Do what makes you happy"
I don´t understand this!
I don´t understand this!
I tried and try so many things, drawing, playing piano, go swimming, driving around, trying to be around those people I like and love...
I try so many things that made me catch a glimpse of happiness days back...
But it is hard... It is not like before... Sometimes it is very impossible.
I drove to fursuit-dances twice the last month, more than 1000 miles of driving... I was with my friends, people I like and love... I was in my suit on the dance-floor and I could not move... :,( I was unable to move... :,( it meant so much to me before...
Because of my fear and desire... I am standing in my way.
I wish my creative spark would come back!
Many times I find myself in despair and anger against myself because I could not and can not handle my emotions.
I can be the most happiest person. And I can cry to heaven because I feel it so strong, because I am so emotional.
I guess I am what is called a "Highly sensitive person"...
And it can be beautiful. It can be inspiring... Not just for me...
Yesterday a colleague told me I should be grateful for the gift of my sensitivity.
In times of joy, in times of happiness, it can be so beautiful. I can feel it. It is like an aura, like a frocefield, that pulsates around me and inspires other people, other souls around me. I even have been told this from some people... It was so joyful.
Fursuiting multiplied this aura.
Three years ago, when I begun fursuiting when I found friends and like-minded souls, I finally found something to spread this energy in me, spread the happy emotions in me. It was easy. It was natural, It was so beautiful... I was reborn.
Now...
I can not suit anymore.
I can not dance anymore.
I keep losing those who I call friends.
And it is my fault, that I wanted to be happy.
I loved and was loved for the first time in my life. It felt so natural, so beautiful.
And then I was tossed away. Dumped... I wanted to retreat, could not handle my emotions. Gathered some strengh back at the beginning of this year...
And now I am hurt again. I hurt myself... I am sorry for my mistakes, that would not have been mistakes if the circumstances had been diffrent :,(
I just wanted to be myself. I just wanted to be happy. Because it was so beautiful. Not just for me...
Now there are days, when I look into the mirror and find myself unable to smile. I want to smile, but I can not. Im really unable to smile... The muscles seems to be numb.
It´s a burning fire inside my heart that burns my soul, burns my energy and my emotions are directed against me.
I am afraid of loosing my job. I was so passionate about editing and color grading film, doing Visual-effects. So many directors, editors and cameramen thanked me for my work.
But I don´t know if can do it anymore. :,(
The work environment is not safe anymore. I don´t know if I will get another contract. And even then... I don´t know if I want to work there anymore. I can not advance there anymore.
But it is one of the only few things that are left... One of the few things that keeps me trying to go on.
I don´t have the power to relocate to another city right now...
And I don´t know how or where to start all over again.
I am feeling so very shaky, like a ball on the edge of a canyon. A small push of the circumstances of life in a wrong direction and I would...
I wish I could gather some strengh. But how?
So many people and those who I call friends keep telling me "Do what makes you happy"...
I don´t understand this!
I don´t understand this... :,(
All I wish right now is for some love and caring. Some emotional security.
I know it should come form myself first...
But...
I don´t understand this... I don´t know how.
All I wish for is a hug, a smile, an honest embrace...
Thank you, for those who try to help me. You know who you are... I appreciate it. I am feeling sorry, that I can not be myself now...
I want to try to be myself again...
Please have patience...
It just too hard for me right now...
I lost my spirit...
My desire to be happy again, is killing my soul.
Now I can hardly exist in the very moment in the present anymore.
My mind is teared apart into the fear of the future and into the wounds and mistakes from my past.
So many people and those who I call friends keep telling me "Do what makes you happy"
I don´t understand this!
I don´t understand this!
I tried and try so many things, drawing, playing piano, go swimming, driving around, trying to be around those people I like and love...
I try so many things that made me catch a glimpse of happiness days back...
But it is hard... It is not like before... Sometimes it is very impossible.
I drove to fursuit-dances twice the last month, more than 1000 miles of driving... I was with my friends, people I like and love... I was in my suit on the dance-floor and I could not move... :,( I was unable to move... :,( it meant so much to me before...
Because of my fear and desire... I am standing in my way.
I wish my creative spark would come back!
Many times I find myself in despair and anger against myself because I could not and can not handle my emotions.
I can be the most happiest person. And I can cry to heaven because I feel it so strong, because I am so emotional.
I guess I am what is called a "Highly sensitive person"...
And it can be beautiful. It can be inspiring... Not just for me...
Yesterday a colleague told me I should be grateful for the gift of my sensitivity.
In times of joy, in times of happiness, it can be so beautiful. I can feel it. It is like an aura, like a frocefield, that pulsates around me and inspires other people, other souls around me. I even have been told this from some people... It was so joyful.
Fursuiting multiplied this aura.
Three years ago, when I begun fursuiting when I found friends and like-minded souls, I finally found something to spread this energy in me, spread the happy emotions in me. It was easy. It was natural, It was so beautiful... I was reborn.
Now...
I can not suit anymore.
I can not dance anymore.
I keep losing those who I call friends.
And it is my fault, that I wanted to be happy.
I loved and was loved for the first time in my life. It felt so natural, so beautiful.
And then I was tossed away. Dumped... I wanted to retreat, could not handle my emotions. Gathered some strengh back at the beginning of this year...
And now I am hurt again. I hurt myself... I am sorry for my mistakes, that would not have been mistakes if the circumstances had been diffrent :,(
I just wanted to be myself. I just wanted to be happy. Because it was so beautiful. Not just for me...
Now there are days, when I look into the mirror and find myself unable to smile. I want to smile, but I can not. Im really unable to smile... The muscles seems to be numb.
It´s a burning fire inside my heart that burns my soul, burns my energy and my emotions are directed against me.
I am afraid of loosing my job. I was so passionate about editing and color grading film, doing Visual-effects. So many directors, editors and cameramen thanked me for my work.
But I don´t know if can do it anymore. :,(
The work environment is not safe anymore. I don´t know if I will get another contract. And even then... I don´t know if I want to work there anymore. I can not advance there anymore.
But it is one of the only few things that are left... One of the few things that keeps me trying to go on.
I don´t have the power to relocate to another city right now...
And I don´t know how or where to start all over again.
I am feeling so very shaky, like a ball on the edge of a canyon. A small push of the circumstances of life in a wrong direction and I would...
I wish I could gather some strengh. But how?
So many people and those who I call friends keep telling me "Do what makes you happy"...
I don´t understand this!
I don´t understand this... :,(
All I wish right now is for some love and caring. Some emotional security.
I know it should come form myself first...
But...
I don´t understand this... I don´t know how.
All I wish for is a hug, a smile, an honest embrace...
Thank you, for those who try to help me. You know who you are... I appreciate it. I am feeling sorry, that I can not be myself now...
I want to try to be myself again...
Please have patience...
It just too hard for me right now...
Fühl dich mal ganz lieb geknuddelt. Ich wünsche dir viel Kraft beim Durchstehen dieser schweren Zeit. Wir alle stehen manchmal etwas neben uns und müssen wieder zu uns selbst finden...
Hier um die Ecke steht auf einer Parkbank: Raste von Zeit zu Zeit und warte, bis deine Seele dich wieder eingeholt hat.
In diesem Sinne... alles Gute.
Ich möchte offen wirken, einladend, voller Freude. Das ist das innere Bild, welches ich von mir noch habe. So wie ich vor letztem Jahr war.
Ich hab so viel schönes erlebt. Ich hab mich und andere glücklich gemacht, indem ich einfach loslassen konnte.
Ich kann mir gerade nicht gerecht werden. Das ist es, was es mir so schwer macht. Meine Erwartung an mich und wie ich mir selber im Weg stehe.
Ich habe lange Zeit nur gerastet in meinem Leben. Da möchte ich nie wieder hin.
Keine Ahnung...
Ich hab das Bild von mir, dass ich nur etwas ändern kann, wenn ich aktiv bleibe...
Kostet nur einfach zu viel Energie gerade...
"Power is nothing without control"
Danke, mir hilft es darüber zu schreiben.
Never forget that there are people out there who care for you, and never forget that I'm one of those people!!!
*hugs*
I just want to write about it.
I want to express, what is happening inside me.
I call those who try to listen my friends. I don´t want to bother.
Nobody can always be happy. And right now I am afraid to show my fear.
I call those who try to listen, in times of loneliness and depression, my friends.
I just want to write about it.
It is nice to connecting with you.
As I always say...
Even a small smile, a glimpse of connection... It is so important. It makes a diffrence. A good difference.
Thank you listening my friend.
I hope for better times.
*hug*
Thank you.
Weil ich es nicht so gut in englisch ausdrücken kann versuch ich es mal auf deutsch.
Ich wünschte ich könnte dir auf irgendeine Weise zeigen wie inspirierend du für mich bist.
Was für ein Traum für mich mit diesem Bild in Erfüllung ging http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16012026/
....Ich verstehe wie du dich fühlst...und ich würde alles dafür geben dir etwas von dieser Begeisterung die du in mir entfacht hast zurückgeben zu können.
Damit du dich auch wieder daran aufladen kannst.
Auch wenn es abgedroschen klingt...es kommen wieder bessere Zeiten....Angst lässt nach....Gefühle tauen auf...
Versprochen.
Es ist einfach das, was ich geben möchte.
Es ist nicht viel. Aber kleine Dinge, ein kleines Lächeln können das Leben verändern.
Ich hóffe, dass es besser wird.
Ich versuche Hilfe zu finden.
Ich hab gespürt, dass ich glücklich sein kann und darf.
Ich möchte wieder glücklich sein können.
Mir wird vieles bewusster, indem ich darüber schreibe.
Ich glaube das ist das Problem...
"Ich möchte wieder glücklich sein können."
Das Glück mag wie ein Katze sein, mit der man schmusen möchte...
Wenn man es versucht sie aktiv zu holen, sie auf dem Arm zu nehmen...
Oftmals ist es so, dass die feline Seele sich denkt, nicht jetzt...
Versucht man es weiter, zeigt sie eventuell ihre Krallen, läuft weg, man verletzt sich,
Man hat verloren... Sie rennt weg, obwohl man es doch nur gut meinen wollte. Etwas geben wollte,
.Lässt man los, lässt die Dinge geschehen, lädt die Katze oder das Glück ein, ohne Erwartung, kommt sie meistens von selber.
Und es ist schön..
Das Foto und dass ich Inspiration sein soll :) Sein kann...
Ist wohl einfach passiert... *kleines Lächeln auf meinem Mund*
Danke für deine Worte.
If you need someone to talk to, to listen to you, to simply know you exist I'm here for ya.
-hugs extra tight-
I remember FWA2013, everything was so beautiful meeting those who inspired me.
*hug*
I want to let go. Let my soul free.
Watching the stars... Yes... I did it... And it helped to be in the present moment.
Sadly here is so much light polution.
One thing I am trying since two weeks ago...
Lying in the grass, touch the many strands. And just feel...
I will try calm music.
*hug*
I was so glad to know that I inspired you too! Was so awesome meeting you!
Light pollution is boooo!
Just stop and feel everything around you. Feel the world breathing.
If you'd like whenever I catch you on skype I can send you some calmer music I have. If you want to that is.
-huggles tight-