why dose one do something.... even though he knows it will make him depressed? why dose one torture himself... even after experiencing the pain before? why dose it hurt so much.... to look at someone be happy without you? at times i really do wish i was the emotionless robot i often portray myself as, but im not, im as fragial if not more so then everyone else. mainly im more so because i havnt been hurt before, at least not this badly. im talking of course about my "relationship" with a girl named amanda. i use quotes because it never was official, but even though it was never official, it almost might as well have been. some history: back along time ago (duknow how long) we met on a forum called PawParadise, at first she ignored me because i was annoying. heh funny, after we started talking we started becoming better and better friends. though she didnt seem to get along with everyone else on the forum she got along with me just fine, better then fine infact. after a while we started to talk about relationships and so on and so forth. we soon became more then friends and though we never really said boyfriend and girlfriend there might as well have been a promise between us that it would happen when we met. at first everything was perfect, talking to her was the best thing that ever happend to me, aside from having my life saved when i was a baby (by an operation, there were no daring firemen or brave policemen sorry). after a while the disstance really got to us, i think more so her then me, talks between us wernt always as plesent as they were. but i still think it was the best times of my life. we had set a general date, i would have to wait untill after that date to fly out to her, that date was may 12th 2009, ill get back to this. even though we had some problems here and there we still talked pretty much every day, i even racked up a phone bill of over 100 dollars on my moms phone calling her, i dont regret that. i miss her voice... she started getting on less and less, she would talk about her more active life and i was extatic, well maybe not that much but i was very happy. finnaly her life was looking up. we continued to talk almost every day till about a mounth ago (maybe more, maybe less i cant remember) we just stopped talking.... no warning, no notice, no nothing, just no talking. i was worried at first, she didnt get on aim at all. i thought something might have happend to her. i couldnt sit still that entire weekend. (she stopped talking on a thursday) and then a journal comes up, yay she's still alive wounderful right? yeah, but the days keep going by, every one getting worse then the last. thoughts rushed through my mind, agonizing depression spells. suddenly this person i've been talking to for almost a year, almost 2 hours a day every day some times more sometimes less. nothing, no notes, no ims, no emails, no nothing. i e-mailed her, i must have sent her at least 4 e-mails, plus a couple of notes. she didnt reply to one of them, i decided "you know what im going to call her, im about to get my phone up this weekend and as soon as i do i will call her we will sort this out and everything will be fine". sounds like the fool proof perfect plan right? yeah! BULLSHIT!, that weekend i see a journal entitled "no phone" what what a fuckin conicedence huh? i'd been replying to a couple of her journals, trying to contact her. nothing... finnaly i break down and send her quite posibly the most depressing thing ive ever writen in the history of my writing. finnaly she sends me a reply. im happy, i feel better, everything seems to be going smoothly. but it fades, i think the real thing that truly made all of it go away... was the first journal she mentioned her friend..... i couldnt read it, i couldnt believe my eyes. she's atracted to this girl, shes looking into going out with this girl, AND SHE DOSNT HAVE THE FUCKING COMON COURTISY TO SEND ME A SIMPLE NOTE TO TELL ME! come on that woulda been an easy note "hey geuss what, its never going to work between us, thanks for shopping amanda bye, by the way i found someone new isnt that great?" I HONESTLY WOULD HAVE PERFERED THAT! you know what else i woulda perfered "I FUCKING HATE YOU, I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN" seriously. but alas, i did not think this at the time. i tried, with little success, to be happy for her, YAY she's finnaly happy shes finnaly found someone who can make her happy she finnaly has someone who loves her that isnt on the other side of the fugin country. but it didnt work that way, not exactly, on the one hand i was happy for her. but all i could think about was us, was if i was just being used, was what if i was nothing to her, was what if there never really was anything between us and she was just putting up an act. this was great because then i started hating myself, thats right i hated myself for being so selfish, she's finnaly happy and all i can think about was myself, great. you know what else is fun, i honestly think im a bit jealous, if only a little bit, i am i really am.... and thats pretty much the way its been. that is untill tonight, now im kinda pissed. i mean come on, even if it was long distance its not like we didnt have something going on. i cant nessisarily say boyfriend girlfriend, i could say best friends. so weres my notifications? OH thats right the journals! yeah because obviously im going to get everything from that right? if she dose think about me, i think she fails to realise just how impersonal the journal entry really is. thats not dirrected at me thats dirrected at a wide group of people, hell as far as im concerned its not even really her, its like her telling someone else to tell all of use this. as far as im concerned i learned about this girl from someone other then amanda. AND THATS FUCKING AWESOME! look, i know she knew her long before me (one of the reasons im almost convenced there was nothing between us) im glad she has someone that she can actually touch, i just wish i could have heard it from her through a note or something, something more dirrected at me... instead of this bulliten board bullshit -_-. what hurts most, is not the fact that she was so bad to me, its that she was so good. she was my best friend, thats comeing from someone who dose not believe in the idea of "best friends" she was always there for me, she made me happy when i was sad, and made me even more so when i was happy. we had our arguments but we always seemed to be great friends. she actually made me forget my thought of "online relationships are not real" she made me convence myself that i was really going to fly over to florida to meet her, HELL IM STILL CONVENCED. and you know what, even after all this bull shit and all the paranoia, i still love her. yes i love her, course if we still were talking she probably would tell me i shouldnt say that because we should wait untill its official. course she never really got the idea that there are more ways to love someone who isnt blood then just boyfriend/girlfriend. i love her and i hope she is happy and from her journals im pretty sure she is. i just wish i could get a few things i want. i want closure, i want to have at least one finnal conversation with her even if its not in real time, i want to be her friend again, and most of all i want all this shit to be over so i can be happy for her instead of jealous and vendictive. i just wish, but it probably wont happen, this journal its probably going to be ignored by her, she wont get the message and ill continue on in my depressing bullshit ass state. i still find it funny, she set the date for may 12 2009, its not even april yet i still wounder if we would have made it even if i was productive...