FA+
Shop
Question: How do you deal with high empathy & other things?
10 years ago
I want to know if anyone has found a way to deal with the intense feelings that come with empathy, the thing that allows us to put ourselves in other people's shoes.
I have moments a few times a day where I almost feel like I take on the sadness or happiness of others to the extent that I become over-excitable or cry. Sometimes I get so happy about being alive, I cry. I really want to help people feel better, but sometimes it's hard to deal with the overwhelming emotions that come with being sensitive to other's feelings. I cry because someone has written a book on colored girls who considered suicide, I cry because people don't want to change and be happy. I cry because I feel so many intense, fuzzy, sharp feelings all the time, and I don't know how to shut it off.
I'm trying to create an outlet for it by writing and painting, and doing my best right now, because I'm going through a growth period right now, but everything is just way too sensitive. My friends are telling me more often than not when I'm excited and really happy about something to "calm down". It's so hard for me to grasp this because I don't think I'll ever lose that childlike essence that makes life so intriguing and enjoyable. I get excited over facts, I get excited over new thoughts, I get excited just from being with the people I love, and then I feel alienated because I've become aware that I'm acting strangely to these people. I just laugh a lot, and make jokes, and it's hard for me to relax, and I can't just "calm down" when I'm in that mood, I'm a very in-the-present-moment person, so I grasp the feeling before it slips away as a memory. I love being happy, but I think I need help in thinking differently.* My dad told me that "not every one is the same, so you need to be careful about how you act." It just feels like I have no self-control sometimes, and I become hyper, curious and 8 years old again. I love this part of myself SO much, but it seems to be getting harder as people get older and start to assume social responsibility for the way they act. I just don't seem to give a fuck ever, pardon my french. I just have such a care-free view of life that I can't seem to shake, no matter what the world throws at me. I'm starting to believe I'm a strange breed. My greatest friends love this quality in me, and I love how it inspires them because it takes no effort on my part to be so peppy about life, but it worries me also, that people shut themselves out from their playful selves.
Is it something we need to tame in order to not seem like a freak in life?
Are there other people who have the same sort of zest for life?
How do you deal with how others feel?
I know we're all different, but if you'd have the time I'd really like to hear your story and what you have to say. I'm having an existential crisis over how happy/sad I am to feel all the time.
*EDIT: I realize now I'm fine the way I am, and I just need to surround myself with like-minded people. I just love people so eaily, it's hard for me not to open up immediately. I don't fake the "first impression" ever, I can't ever stop this feeling. It isn't wrong to think so positively, the world needs more of it. Thank you for helping me remember that!
I have moments a few times a day where I almost feel like I take on the sadness or happiness of others to the extent that I become over-excitable or cry. Sometimes I get so happy about being alive, I cry. I really want to help people feel better, but sometimes it's hard to deal with the overwhelming emotions that come with being sensitive to other's feelings. I cry because someone has written a book on colored girls who considered suicide, I cry because people don't want to change and be happy. I cry because I feel so many intense, fuzzy, sharp feelings all the time, and I don't know how to shut it off.
I'm trying to create an outlet for it by writing and painting, and doing my best right now, because I'm going through a growth period right now, but everything is just way too sensitive. My friends are telling me more often than not when I'm excited and really happy about something to "calm down". It's so hard for me to grasp this because I don't think I'll ever lose that childlike essence that makes life so intriguing and enjoyable. I get excited over facts, I get excited over new thoughts, I get excited just from being with the people I love, and then I feel alienated because I've become aware that I'm acting strangely to these people. I just laugh a lot, and make jokes, and it's hard for me to relax, and I can't just "calm down" when I'm in that mood, I'm a very in-the-present-moment person, so I grasp the feeling before it slips away as a memory. I love being happy, but I think I need help in thinking differently.* My dad told me that "not every one is the same, so you need to be careful about how you act." It just feels like I have no self-control sometimes, and I become hyper, curious and 8 years old again. I love this part of myself SO much, but it seems to be getting harder as people get older and start to assume social responsibility for the way they act. I just don't seem to give a fuck ever, pardon my french. I just have such a care-free view of life that I can't seem to shake, no matter what the world throws at me. I'm starting to believe I'm a strange breed. My greatest friends love this quality in me, and I love how it inspires them because it takes no effort on my part to be so peppy about life, but it worries me also, that people shut themselves out from their playful selves.
Is it something we need to tame in order to not seem like a freak in life?
Are there other people who have the same sort of zest for life?
How do you deal with how others feel?
I know we're all different, but if you'd have the time I'd really like to hear your story and what you have to say. I'm having an existential crisis over how happy/sad I am to feel all the time.
*EDIT: I realize now I'm fine the way I am, and I just need to surround myself with like-minded people. I just love people so eaily, it's hard for me not to open up immediately. I don't fake the "first impression" ever, I can't ever stop this feeling. It isn't wrong to think so positively, the world needs more of it. Thank you for helping me remember that!
Just please know you're awesome for caring. Its appreciated.
As a fellow INJF, I've had people question why I cry while watching a news program or movie or when I hear a beautiful piece of music; or why I try so hard to help others.
Caring about others and the state of things is far from being a bad thing. Enjoy life and enjoy feeling. :)
Thank you so much for this, though, I was starting to think I was doing something wrong. I came out so happy after being in a 2 year rut and I feel so much different now I'm not so depressed.
But you are totally right, we are all different, and caring about others is VERY far from a bad thing. Thank you for reminding me of that!
From what I've seen on the internet, I like how you can be a bit silly/happy-go-lucky, and I think it really presents itself in your art/journals! I think your happiness and care for others is something that we can all learn from, to be honest.
There's enough sadness and drama, especially online, so for me it's a big relief when I can see somebody who's very happy and can enjoy their lives even in the stress of this place.
I look up to you not only in your artwork, but also how you see the world :'3 just wanted to let you know...
(sorry to butt-in on this comment thread, but I'm also INFJ and there's something that makes me happy to hear that one of my favorite artists is as well :3 .....I hope that doesn't sound creepy!)
with this when ever i stat feeling too much of an emotion, preferably before my mental defense mechanism kicks in, i can change into the personality that fits the emotion.
or if i want to have the emotion overwhelm me i can leave it alone and feel everything.
emotions are a hard one especially for us empaths, because we are excellent at feeling the emotions around us. but it takes work in learning how to deal with said emotions.
shutting off emotions is an interesting feeling and in all honesty i would not recommend it, the shutting off of all emotion is my mental defense mechanism, and when i say all emotion i mean all. however that does mean that if i am disturbed by someone (i prefer to be alone when going through this) i completely loose it and go into mental breakdown. turning off all emotion means that you are opening you self up to any and all influence, things that you don't mind now might be the most irritating things in the universe when you turn emotion off, iritation seems to carry over pretty well
although a while back my turning off emotion became full body paralysis so a least i can still think clearly while laying motionless on the floor for the next few hours.
in short don't get into a habit of turning off your emotions, it changes how you think, not always for the better.
When it comes to good things, like being happy, full energy, playful etc. Its hard for me to stop being it, even though I wish it to, be it around friends, out of nowhere like a Cat doing some stupid but hilarious thing or then watching something inspiring me or making me laugh.
With bad things I rarely ever feel anything, be it anger, sadness, regret etc. It takes quite a bit for that to happen for me, because of how I view things in life.
I would suggest just don't think about it, don't change it and be yourself. If it changes then either let it do so or try and figure out why... Can't say much else really.
So in that respect, please don't change just because other people ask you to, if they can't handle it, they're not worth your time. If your family doesn't encourage or enjoy it, who cares? I'm going to go out on a limb and say you don't need their approval to be yourself~
With the intense empathy, I have got that too. I have found that it is mostly those on the internet whose lives I am most empathetic about, If that's the case for you too for any part, all I can recommend for that is stepping away from the computer and going out to do your own thing for a while!
In general though, I've found that meditation has helped with my empathy, and for me it was largely controlling stress as well. I really can recommend a self-motivated meditation, because you also feel richer and calmer on the inside and this actually has effect externally, you don't break out in acne and you take better care of yourself when you put yourself first in these situations.
Here is a few places I looked to help me figure out how to handle it all:
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relat.....-with-empathy/ <--- a general idea
http://annasayce.com/how-to-turn-of.....active-empathy <--- an easy to understand, personalised approach to teaching you how to do the thing.
You must always put yourself first when you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed. If you want to be excited and live life to the fullest at any given moment, do it. If you want others involved in that? Find the people who want the same thing as you.
Don't give into peer pressure, there is no real code to how to feel, whoever is telling you to calm down or grow up, they just fell into the trap. Escape the trap Falvie, and do you!!!
On the one hand, it's in our nature to feel empathy for others. And that's a good thing... the world needs more people that feel something for anyone other than themselves. Truthfully, so many people are selfish, self-absorbed, and couldn't give a fig about another human being. But, if we can put ourselves in someone else's shoes for a second... maybe we can learn something from that. And be better for it.
On the other side, if we're too empathetic, you can become a victim. People will use you... play on your emotions and suck you dry emotionally. Some people thrive on that. It can be exhausting after awhile. It's akin to helping a drowning person... they'll usually pull you down with them.
So, you need to find a balance between the two. Easier said than done.
Like, I actually get sad when a BUG dies. If I accidentally kill a bug, I almost cry (and have) because I feel so bad. xD
You dont feel better, but at least you gave them something that really does matter, even if it doesnt seem like it.
I recommend deep, deep meditation, lots of escaping into natural surroundings, whether a beach, a woodland area, or even a room in a house that is comforting and full of something like plants of aromatherapy based scents.
Also crying is a B**ch sometimes, everything makes me breaks down, whether deeply happy or sad.
You are NOT alone.
I can't really say how that works out with complete strangers, but most of the times that I have a hype or sadness attack, I'm near friends. And they have learned to react to me to comply to the apparent bursts of random moods. Like when I feel like crying out for happiness in a good movie. I don't want to change that, it's what I am and what I want to be. Denying that would be like denying I was born in the first place.
But, unfortunately, life is a crude b1tch. We all wear masks to comply with social cues and, sometimes, have to drown our bursts for people to get a "first impression" on you. When they're used to that, you slowly let who you are surface even more. And, if the kind of personality someone like you have doesn't please them, then you can't do nothing. But honestly, I can't see how people would not like someone who enjoys life at it's full, accepts who they are and also aim for helping those in need. But, hey! Everyone's got a style. Who am I to judge?
Hope this helped.
There's nothing bad about being who you are. At all. You don't need to be careful you need to be YOU. It's what makes you wonderful. What you do is turn that empathy towards yourself and love yourself as much as you can. You are so very worth it. Keep being kind and loving to yourself. Keep being you. I know it's really tough sometimes and it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders but you're not alone. The people in your life who appreciate you most will understand and love you because of who and what you are.
Feel free to note/skype me any time you just want to chill out and not stress.
This made me stressed, emotionally withdrawn and an utter, utter cnute in hindsight.
It took the death of my happy-go-lucky, always inquisitive, always enthusiastic, ever supportive Father-in-Law to bring this home to me. Two years down the line and with the love and help of my wife I'm much closer to the laid-back derp I used to be.
Why the story?
Never, ever give up on being enthused by the world and life. That energy and vitality is incredible and indispensible. Your true friends value it and most other 'adults' need to take the sticks out of their arses and smile.
Screw it. One life; live it!
Well...so long as your not laughing and swinging from the rafters at a funeral!
..and agreed; make mine a fucking Viking meadfest with drinking, song and recounting of tales!!
The most recent experience of showing empathy is when I found out that my good friend managed to get out of his toxic relationship. I've never seen him so happy in a while, and that made me happy!
Probably the most recent experience for me of NOT showing empathy is when my Ex gf said some very hurtful things about the US Pledge of Allegiance/US Armed Forces (she compared us with North Korea and other things I forgot about). I actually showed sadness and anger but I could not empathize with her views/feeling. Why? Because of my experience. I'm not in the military or even a veteran, but I have family and friends who have served and ALL have made it home alive. I've met veterans from almost every war since WWII though my freelance job for the city I live in. She can take her "opinions" and shove it.
All-in-all, we're all different. Empathy can be easy and hard to control, however, just don't let it control you. Be yourself, have fun! We'll laugh, we'll cry, but life goes on.
Somehow I can feel the way people feels within themselves, or at least I try to understand as much as I can.. I think it really does the difference. People who bases their judgement on stupid clichés will never feel empathy for anyone.
There's nothing wrong with being the way you are, but as you said you should watch out with who you are... For example, I could be playful and joking with open minded people, or simply with my friends, who will easly understand me and my jokes, but if I was being this way with close minded people who doesn't try to understand who I am, they would take me for an idiot fooling around...
You can't know what happens in people's head by what they say... But rather by what they do. And so many people seems not to have understand that yet.
I am not that sensitive / over reactive towards it tho.. I just see it as a better understanding of all the things that surrounds me every day.
I'm empathetic towards a bunch of people when I feel super happy or sad for them, I just express it and don't care what anybody else thinks. X3
In my experience, the best way to deal with unwelcome feelings of empathy is to learn to distinguish your life and your feelings from those of the people around you, and to reach a point where you can feel empathy for them without letting those emotions impede upon your own life. In your own way you need to be able to develop a barrier to protect yourself, and this becomes especially important if your underlying desire is to try to help the person you're with as you can't help them effectively if you're struggling to manage your own emotions.
In practical terms for me it comes down to mindfulness. If I realize I'm starting to feel strongly about something, I ask myself "why am I feeling this way?" If it's because I'm too attached to someone else's situation that it's becoming problematic, I then need to ask myself whether it's appropriate/possible to remove myself from that situation - even temporarily - in order to acknowledge and address the emotions. If it's not possible to remove yourself from the situation, try to set the emotions aside until such time that you can reflect upon them by yourself or with someone you trust. For counsellors this process is referred to as debriefing and is an important activity to avoid emotional burnout.
It's important to point out that empathy isn't a bad thing. In fact it's great that you have it! It's just a matter of finding a way to manage it so you're able to look after your own emotional health while also feeling for others. I hope this helps!
For me, empathy was super overwhelming when I was younger, because to my knowledge there wasn't really any means of switching it off. Secondary and tertiary functions in the stack are consciously controlled, but you really only have the former to work with during the teens. All other functions develop more as you get older, and once the Ti became a thing for me (somewhere between 18 and 21 I think?), everything onward started revolving around Ni-Ti. Empathy got stifled by a craving for the sagacious, philosophical, spiritual, desire to grasp the inner-nature of things which I'd given zero shits about in my childhood. I transformed from a friend magnet (couldn't get any alone time as a kid, it was ridiculous!) into a friendless agoraphobic hermit. XD
Nowadays I only switch it on briefly in order to understand what an unfamiliar person is all about, and then back off it goes... It's kind of selfish, really, but if you're around people then it's far too mentally draining to be in that mode 24/7. To share in on someone else's happiness or pain, is special. Plus there's a lot of people who just take take take. Save your energy for the ones who need your help the most, because we're not infinite!
tl;dr - I learned to switch mine off by doing this (secondary). I think I do it by analysing the strong emotion, contrasting it with past similar emotions, structuring them, developing, imagining and reflecting on them... it's like being too preoccupied with this internal back-and-forth process to be affected by the empathy (which is external, not internal). ^^
edit: I also tend to space off, not looking at people when they talk - the objective emotion, their facial expressions... it's too distracting if you want to focus solely on their words. That might help if it's people-specific.
I hear you on not looking at faces when talking to people so that I can focus on the words and not get carried away by the emotional cues, which leads me to not being able to respond effectively. Cheers! : )
I'm happy to know that I'm not alone, and others are not alone as well. I'm going to keep being me, because if someone doesn't like it that's not my problem unless it hurts someone! But I don't really think I'm going to go around crushing ribs from giving intense hugs anytime soon, so I think I'm good. I'm not even strong enough to tickle someone. LMFAO.
so unhealthy! D:
Oftentimes I feel like a delicate, filigreed, fine silver statue of twisting vines and intricate flowers that was smashed, and smashed, over and over until it turned into a lumpy bar, because the people that used me needed a bat and didn't care what damage they did to get one. The whole "Man up" and "take responsibility" and all the excuses they used to get me to stand in front, and take the psychological hit and spare them the damage.
At some point the dwarf star of repressed emotions turned into a desire to lash it back. I used to be a lot more whimsical, carefree, happy and spontaneous. But every time I let my guard down some serious emotional devastation arrives. Sadistically. At this point, I would kill God.
And yeah, I see a few others up above talking about a similar experience, a "Learned Psycopathy" or breaker switches on your emotions. I spend a lot of energy switching things off, that keep switching themselves back on. Also, it's a very good idea to just avoid anything you don't like that makes you "more evil."
its like if I am playing a competitive game..
I feel bad for losing and I feel bad for the other team when Our side wins
Ive got a growing Collection of stones, (Primarily Spheres) Cloud Agate is great to keep by your work station to keep you focused and relaxed. I've got a large slice myself. Now For Balance... Black Tourmaline is a good stone for balancing out your energies. I Hope this helps!
Don't try to suppress it; just keep yourself away from the shit that really hurts, and surround yourself with people you can truly, entirely connect with on a fully human level. That kind of truth to self is hard to come by and I would advise you to cherish it. :)
-Somebody who's been there
After a point I just realized that I really couldn't do anything. The people who I was able to empathize with seemed like they didn't want my help anyway, or got mad when I said I understood even though my "understanding" was based on the feeling that I could understand what that might be like but not having been through it myself, it put a wall between us.
So I decided to just stop caring, and it was really hard sometimes. It still is but I'm able to separate better by not caring. Which sounds harsh.
But yeah I tend to still abosrb people's emotions, especially in places like work or at home when things get rough. It's awful and it's hard to shake it, because even though the negative feelings belong to someone else, I feel like I should be angry too, or like i'm in trouble too, and it's really debilitating. I've been going to therapy and she's been trying to teach me to meditate, focus on my breathing, use my energy to create a safe space, etc. So, I mean, I don't want to tell you to stop caring about your friends and people who are important to you, because that's awesome! I'm just trying to say it's really up to you how you want to pull the plug or at least put a muffler on it haha.
And diverting your energy/attention too helps, but it's different for everyone!
Sorry if that wasn't very helpful. I just wanted to let you know, you're not alone :) Hope you feel better soon!
Empathy goes both ways though, as others said in the comments, make sure you got some positive feeling people on standby whenever your emotions get the better of you.
Never. Calm. Down.
They're not you, and you deserve to be happy. If they can't handle you being happy and excited, then you should still be happy and excited. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being that intense. =)
As for my story, I've always been able to feel the emotions of those around me. Particularly those who are in pain or suffering from mental, physical or even economic problems. The intensity of these emotions makes me want to solve the problems for them as quickly as possible, and being unable to do anything at all makes it that much worse. For me, it all resets when I go to sleep, but if and when it does become such a burden that sleep alone won't do the job, I find a solitary place away from others. Usually near naturally running water or up somewhere really high, preferably both. It is at these places where I would just sit there.... unthinking, unmoving.... and let all thoughts and emotions flood from my mind into the world around me. Nature has seen and heard it all for eons, she would gladly take whatever we would offer, for we are ultimately from, of and by her.
And when others are happy, go ahead and feel good for them. All that can do is make you feel great!
That said, a lack of empathy is also a gift and a curse, just in different ways than TheCelestialDemoness says.
I often see my friends super depressed and writing really really unsettling posts. But I continue to be happy, just watch comedy movies and feel cheap when saying "I'm sorry for you." Every sympathy I try to show feels fake. I'd wish I'd have more empathy, but I'm such a jerk whom never feels with anyone D:
Sorry for bragging; I don't think there is much you can do, but be aware that it makes you a very admirable person!
The best way to tone it down is to take a humble outlook on the misfortunes people take on a daily basis. With our intervention or not, there is always going to be hardship or chaos. Emotional release is a coping method that can turn selfish if it's impacting others in an obstructive way: Such as escalating to an equally upset state when a friend is stressed rather then being a calm friend they can lean upon.
It sounds like your suffering from neurosis ("excessive and irrational anxiety or obsession.") rather then too much empathy. Try to talk yourself into the mindset that it is of more value to help resolve someone's stress rather then baring the load.
There are a whole lot of us who wish we still had that childlike essence. Please treasure it, it's a beautiful thing and I am actually happy for you that you are so in touch with your feelings, even if it means you'll experience extremes that may be a bit bothersome at times.
Of course, if it is actually causing you stress, you may want to try and distance yourself a bit from the things that you know are a source of that. Even if it means you'll have to distance yourself from people you care about, if their hardships are dragging you down to a point where it is negatively affecting your health and abilities, you should probably just be honest with them and tell them that you can't help them right now. Learning to let go like that is hard, but you have to know your limits and listen to your own body and heart when you're pushing them.
(if not, then it may not really be a problem, more just a person quirk)
I agree with some of the things other have mentioned about aiming toward a correct use of 'tact' and doing right by others if they are choosing to put trust in you enough to seek your counsel or aid. (heck mirror-imaging how someone feels doesn't necessarily help them) but aside from that if your enjoying life, able to cope all things considered, might just be a facet of who you are :S
Dealing with empathy isn't easy. Referring to me, I can feel bad emotions very easily and manipulate them in both ways, being a demagogue or a problem solver. But positive emotions towards me are somewhat blind mode. After the distant and overpolite to strangers phase I get talkative like a machine gun and joking around. People tend to think I'm much younger than I really am, but also think somewhat childish and silly about me.
Getting depressed from it? Or try to change? Hell no! Those people who give me bad emotions about that just are thrown in the uninteresting ignore mode basket. I'm not born to please everybody but myself. So I don't do that...and so shouldn't you, too. People don't like your behavior? Give a shit. There are people out there who do.
Everybody has handycaps with empathy. Mine's love feelings and good first impression. But we all are what we are: individuals.
All in all, art is the same. You are who you are, you draw what you draw. Please yourself first, then others are found who really like your style. And that's all of empathy basics one must know: Like yourself and don't rate too much what others, especially strangers, say.
And after that comes the difficult part: Do I care what friends say? Where's the border to narcism? Or am I giving myself up to others and how to change? Where are my strengths and my handycaps? How to use them? But even with so many questions never forget: Change because you feel right about it. Not just because others say so. But asking for guidance isn't bad and doesn't hurt.
For me I have to tell myself I cannot bear the weight of the world no human can.
I also have come to realize it's better to focus on the ones that love you. I've also decided to set a very narrow focus on the world to only a few friends and my only blood family my little brother.
What people feel is not my responsibility. If I feel the need to help, I try to help them, if I can't? I did the best that I could. I also realized I can't save everyone, I am not responsible for them or their feelings, just to state again.
It doesn't mean I am heartless it just means that I am human and I can take on only so much.
I am still learning all this and more. I used to be a complete bleeding heart.
All the best for you on this.
For myself, when I was really young I was like this, and had the same experience of people telling me to "calm down", "you're too sensitive", etc. I can't stand those phrases, whether it be happy or sad, those phrases are the last thing anyone who's in a high emotional state needs to hear. For a while I feel like I lost high empathy a bit because I thought I had to push it down to keep the anxiety at bay, but it never helped. The past couple of years I've been spending more time with a group of people who I love dearly and who I consider as family, and those emotions kind of flew out of control again. This time instead of pushing it down, I'm just staying open and honest. At first it felt really weird and embarrassing, I thought it would drive them away, but instead I'm finding that it seems to draw us closer together. That's meant being honest with myself too. Sometimes if the emotions are too much, I need to check in with myself and be okay with allowing myself to re-energize alone, or have a bit of introvert time.
I do think it needs to be a balance. Relationships are a "gift for a gift" type thing. This is just something I've found, sometimes if I want someone to respect my own emotions, I need to respect their boundaries as well. Personally I do think there needs to be some awareness about how the emotions interact with others as they arise. Also, something to consider, although someone may not feel high empathy, it doesn't make them so different that you can't enjoy their company or love them, humans are diverse in that way and I think we have a lot to learn from one another :)
Best wishes to you and anyone going through this!