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I wish I wasn't so pathetic
10 years ago
So yesterday I am shopping for some sparkling water to take with me to work. I love that lemon flavored arrowhead sparkling water.
The alarm thingy beeps when I go inside, so I didn't pay any attention to it.
I am in the beverage isle when I hear, "Excuse me..." From behind me.
I turn to see a woman my age, with a dollar bill in her hand.
I thought she was loss prevention, trying to stop me from stealing something...
She hands me the dollar bill and says, "I saw you drop this in the parking lot."
It's a dollar bill...
She wasn't handing it to me because she was worried about my financial well being. I am wearing my work uniform, I am a plumber.
I now realize she wanted to meet me.
Due to my gnawing loneliness two decades old, I look her in the eye. I have a way of... Looking people in the eye and intensely scrutinizing them, and it makes some people look away. It's not something I try and do on purpose. But it happens... When I am nervous.
She doesn't look away. She does this little curtsey, subtle body language, as if to say, "Go ahead and ask me my name."
Of course all I could do was smile.
"Uh. Thank you. Very much. Heh." Was all I could say. I simply did not know what to do next.
I turned away from her and she walked away. I do not think I would have liked the look on her face.
And I complain to God that I am so lonely.
Soooo. Today I get off of work and go back to the store, and I meander about it, for literally two hours. I spent two thirds of that time just standing in the beverage isle... waiting for her to come back.
I did not know what I was going to say, but I would get her name, and her number.
Could she have just wanted to walk about a thousand feet just to hand me a wrinkled up dollar bill, and not been interested in me as a person at all? Of course.
But.. I do not think that was the case.
All the while I kept going over everything I know about the opposite sex. Am I ready for this? Am I thinking too much into it? What is my role as a man, what does she expect from me...
Am I ready for such an awesome responsibility. I haven't even built my house, yet.
I did not feel anything for her at the time. But thinking about it now, I recall her spirit, and it was attractive. Maybe it would be something forced, I do not think she was the "one", and yes, I believe in true love. I don't see much point in hoping for a future if true love does not exist.
I want my success as a man to be how much of myself I surrendered into loving and caring for a woman, how much I gave to her... Not how much she gives to me.
The time came and went, I even went back into the store for something else real quick, and to return some pickles that didn't pop up when I turned the lid. If she was there I did not see her. I was hoping she saw my big blue diesel pickup in the parking lot and knew I was there... Heh.
I know... I am pathetic.
The alarm thingy beeps when I go inside, so I didn't pay any attention to it.
I am in the beverage isle when I hear, "Excuse me..." From behind me.
I turn to see a woman my age, with a dollar bill in her hand.
I thought she was loss prevention, trying to stop me from stealing something...
She hands me the dollar bill and says, "I saw you drop this in the parking lot."
It's a dollar bill...
She wasn't handing it to me because she was worried about my financial well being. I am wearing my work uniform, I am a plumber.
I now realize she wanted to meet me.
Due to my gnawing loneliness two decades old, I look her in the eye. I have a way of... Looking people in the eye and intensely scrutinizing them, and it makes some people look away. It's not something I try and do on purpose. But it happens... When I am nervous.
She doesn't look away. She does this little curtsey, subtle body language, as if to say, "Go ahead and ask me my name."
Of course all I could do was smile.
"Uh. Thank you. Very much. Heh." Was all I could say. I simply did not know what to do next.
I turned away from her and she walked away. I do not think I would have liked the look on her face.
And I complain to God that I am so lonely.
Soooo. Today I get off of work and go back to the store, and I meander about it, for literally two hours. I spent two thirds of that time just standing in the beverage isle... waiting for her to come back.
I did not know what I was going to say, but I would get her name, and her number.
Could she have just wanted to walk about a thousand feet just to hand me a wrinkled up dollar bill, and not been interested in me as a person at all? Of course.
But.. I do not think that was the case.
All the while I kept going over everything I know about the opposite sex. Am I ready for this? Am I thinking too much into it? What is my role as a man, what does she expect from me...
Am I ready for such an awesome responsibility. I haven't even built my house, yet.
I did not feel anything for her at the time. But thinking about it now, I recall her spirit, and it was attractive. Maybe it would be something forced, I do not think she was the "one", and yes, I believe in true love. I don't see much point in hoping for a future if true love does not exist.
I want my success as a man to be how much of myself I surrendered into loving and caring for a woman, how much I gave to her... Not how much she gives to me.
The time came and went, I even went back into the store for something else real quick, and to return some pickles that didn't pop up when I turned the lid. If she was there I did not see her. I was hoping she saw my big blue diesel pickup in the parking lot and knew I was there... Heh.
I know... I am pathetic.
Go back tomorrow around the same time you were there today.
Hopefully she'll be there.
She sounds sweet
Part of me thinks this is a wake up call from God, in a way, to get me to be more attentive. In a way I doubt I'll ever see her again.
He could be sliding you a hint that he's preparing something nice for you
Pathetic would be to have judged her superficially, wooed her with lies, then used her and sent her on her way. If she stuck around then maybe throw beer cans at her and steal her meth then crash her car while going to 7-11 for cigarettes.
Truthfully, the type of woman you want is one that wants to build the house with you and work out the details and the design of things. I got to hear about this from multiple people at work about how well that worked. I hated things like, what color to paint something. What cabinets to get, what color outlet plates to get. That kind of crap. Plus the mental and emotional support, I was hurting for that always. I'm very glad my mom and sister as well as my contractor helped me make good decisions.
"One day, whether you are 14, 28 or 65,
you will stumble upon someone who will start a fire in you that cannot die.
However, the saddest, most awful truth you will ever come to find––
is they are not always with whom we spend our lives"
I feel like it could work out. She has a spirit compatible with mine. There is a woman who has a child who was chasing me for three years. I finally gave her a chance and told her about my issues, because she deserves to know, (Ahem previous journal) and she used it as an excuse to make me feel lower than scum.
She still calls me. Honestly I could "make" things "work" with her, too, because she "likes" me. But do I feel the above for her? No... I could "Make it work" with a lot of people. I feel like God has only one person for me.
I'm praying that god will help you out, maybe he can give you that boost of morale somehow.
don't stop looking and next time say something - anything - you won't sound stupid in her ears...
V.
This made me laugh. Thank you.
, what's yours?" There aren't a lot of rules. Just be genuine and friendly.
I would say that if and or when you DO get to see her again begin with: "Oh hey, it's you, hehe."
She will probably recognize you and great with a "Oh hey there, funny meeting you again." Or something like that.
You could then respond with something like "My name's ****** by the way. *extend hand for a hand shake*
Shake hands and she will introduce herself.
"Say, thanks again for returning that money to me. Most would have just taken it with em."
Pause in case she wants to say "You're welcome."
Continue "Um, I was wondering.... If it wouldn't be too forward of me, would you like to, I dunno, go to lunch sometime?"
Make sure to give a light warm smile and keep your eyes above the neck, maybe glancing down a few times to hint to her that you like what you see without making her think it's all you're interested in, letting your eyes fall either on her eyes or her lips most of the conversation. If it leads to a date, talk about her, asking what she does for a living, maybe see if you share any likes in music, movies, or books, and let the conversation flow from there. ^w^