Well, I've been missing my ex fiancee pretty hard the last few days. I have a "friend" taunting me over "taking my hand out to eat" while he enjoys his girlfriend. It's kind of sick how the "haves" enjoy flaunting what they have over the have-nots. I am sure I am just as guilty of it in some way.

I would say most people are in no position to truly use this holiday to its fullest potential, fully embracing its spirit, boyfriend /girlfriend, married or otherwise.

It's speculated that of the majority of marriages that fail, the ones that "remain" only a very low percentage are "happy".

It's sad to me, as I step out of ClownTown, and take a look at my fellow clowns, I see machismo men, too terrified to acknowledge the fact that women have more power over us than God Himself, and conversely to teach women "our" side of life, the indemic pain and endless struggle of existence that many men bear silently on their backs and secretly hope they can avoid the spectre of self-ending long enough to have cancer take them out, at last.

And women, who are the light of the world, beautiful and angelic, yet not held to a worthy standard of us, because we're too scared to be honest with them, because we're incapable of looking passed out penises for a half a second, to try and see things from women's perspective. I've heard countless guys say women are crazy. They're not crazy. You're just not seeing it from their perspective.

Women have asked men, "what do you wish of us?" Our response? "Uh, put that makeup on and spread those legs..." women: "what about my character? Should I work on that? " men: "naw. That would require us being honest with ourselves about our mortality, understanding you, and possibly being vulnerable. Naw, just give us sex."

On and on, rinse and repeat, since day 1, and now society is circling the drain. Sorry if that's bleak, but I have to be honest about society, men, women, and relationships as I consider just what went wrong with my relationship with my fiancee, WHAT hand I had in it (how did I fuck it up? I need to know so I won't make the same mistakes again if I ever find myself in a hetero relationship, I may never be in another one.)

Bottom line, can I have what my heart wants? Jesus I have no idea. Presently I'm self-caring and self-loving. I'm gonna move back into my van (by choice) and make it something that is devoted to caring for Me, whatever the hell that means.

Bottom line, I think the expectations of valentines day harms more lonely people (and yes many married are also lonely and harmed by it) than it helps to bring together.

The holiday for the few, at the expense of the rest. But, what else do we expect from ClownTown.