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Depressed, Yay!
10 years ago
XD
I know, terrible time. I'm not happy at home, but even here at
's house where I'm happy, it set in.
I had issues and was in the hospital until just before I had to get on the bus. I had to quit my psych meds cold turkey because they caused issue. I had to and still have more spots to sew on my fursuit...i need help with the head stuff, so I'm sad I missed out on all my plans with it.
I miss my dog, my birb, my older sister. The only one who really loves me, aside from Sam, is my three year old little cousin, who is more my child thsan his moms. Istill try to lie to myself about my life. My cousin shares her kids with me cuz I can't have my own is really, I stay with her cuz she can't take care of her kids alone and she's pregnant again. The little girl is loved by her mom and bio-dad, but the boy's bio-dad only wants to use him for a pawn to control his mom. She regrets having him and he looks like her ex...I'm the only one who really loves him. I can't abandon him for my own happiness. So i am stuck, being used for the little money I have each month, my love for the children in my family I want to protect so desperately. Everyone needs me and the little things I save ages for to make me happy end up being disappointing as well. I don't want these kids to have a crappy childhood like I had. I do want some time to be me, before my mom dies and I have to take care of my special needs sisters forever. I wish I had the means to take my little cousin away with me, but sadly the whole going blind thing puts a big damper on it and his deadbeat dad would probably get him. This man, who married a single mom to take care of his kids while he loafed all the time on his weeks. Small victory, couysin has full custody...if girls bio-dad wins his case and isn't tagged a rapist for life, she's likely to marry him. He hates the boy...and the girl knows "boy isn't her real\full brother" Like that matters at all. So...i love both kids, but am the only one to love the boy like a son. I missed him shortly after arriving here...but his rich grands took him and his sis to Disney in Florida for two weeks. So I know he's not being sad and yelled at all the time without me.
Other than that, I love it here with Sam and Fox and little K. He helps me not miss little E so much. Sam is my best friend, loves me like a sibling. Little E loves me, I'm his daddy, as he has decided. The only people that really love me are my little sisters, little E and Sam's family. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. Hurts rest of my family doesn't love me as I do them.
I know, terrible time. I'm not happy at home, but even here at
's house where I'm happy, it set in.I had issues and was in the hospital until just before I had to get on the bus. I had to quit my psych meds cold turkey because they caused issue. I had to and still have more spots to sew on my fursuit...i need help with the head stuff, so I'm sad I missed out on all my plans with it.
I miss my dog, my birb, my older sister. The only one who really loves me, aside from Sam, is my three year old little cousin, who is more my child thsan his moms. Istill try to lie to myself about my life. My cousin shares her kids with me cuz I can't have my own is really, I stay with her cuz she can't take care of her kids alone and she's pregnant again. The little girl is loved by her mom and bio-dad, but the boy's bio-dad only wants to use him for a pawn to control his mom. She regrets having him and he looks like her ex...I'm the only one who really loves him. I can't abandon him for my own happiness. So i am stuck, being used for the little money I have each month, my love for the children in my family I want to protect so desperately. Everyone needs me and the little things I save ages for to make me happy end up being disappointing as well. I don't want these kids to have a crappy childhood like I had. I do want some time to be me, before my mom dies and I have to take care of my special needs sisters forever. I wish I had the means to take my little cousin away with me, but sadly the whole going blind thing puts a big damper on it and his deadbeat dad would probably get him. This man, who married a single mom to take care of his kids while he loafed all the time on his weeks. Small victory, couysin has full custody...if girls bio-dad wins his case and isn't tagged a rapist for life, she's likely to marry him. He hates the boy...and the girl knows "boy isn't her real\full brother" Like that matters at all. So...i love both kids, but am the only one to love the boy like a son. I missed him shortly after arriving here...but his rich grands took him and his sis to Disney in Florida for two weeks. So I know he's not being sad and yelled at all the time without me.
Other than that, I love it here with Sam and Fox and little K. He helps me not miss little E so much. Sam is my best friend, loves me like a sibling. Little E loves me, I'm his daddy, as he has decided. The only people that really love me are my little sisters, little E and Sam's family. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. Hurts rest of my family doesn't love me as I do them.
I'm happy to have a great friend like you.
I am still conflicted about wanting to leave my ungrateful family, if only for the little guy. I know my aunt will help my mum... Why do I have to feel like an ass wanting to do something good for me?
I just felt like poo for wanting to leave. If I can't bring E with me, I'm not sure I can leave him. He needs someone to love him like a family should. He can grow up to be sweet and gentle, not a cold, uncaring brute to add to the many in the world as it is.