My situation has not been the greatest as of late. I was promised one thing and given another.

"It will be a better situation once we kidnap you and you move in over here."
I don't think so. It wasn't what I was promised at all. This house was a prison, all of these stupid rules and restrictions. I was used to pay the back taxes on a house then was told I wasn't needed here any longer. This house has worn me down, I have tried to be strong but all the stress I have endured here has started to break me down. My mask has started to crack, the facade of calmness and control I have is giving way. I was lured here with the promise of cheap rent and a decent living situation, both were wrong. The rent got raised on me when I moved in and the house was not at all welcoming or homely. I feel I made a mistake now.

Farther from my family; My Mother, Father, Youngest Brother and Sister. The only family I have close, now live half an hour away. Alas, with no car, and no license they might as well be miles away. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. I don't even have a home anymore, I have a house where I keep my paltry belongings, not long before my welcome is wore out and me and my things are on the street. I have few if any options, the one I have gives me a place to sleep at night, but then keeping my job is difficult because I can no longer get to work on my own if I stay there. I don't make much and scraping the funds together to afford the new place for things to fall in place.


"Can I handle this? Can I make this happen? How will I make this work? What can I sell, what can I do? What will make this happen?"
All of the these things are questions I ask myself. I am at war with myself, part of me lights a fire in me and gives me the strength I need to carry on and try to make it work, you need this, you want to help your family right? Then there is the part of me that stops and thinks, you think you can do this all on your own, look how much you make? Do you think people will help you enough to make it work. There are days where I don't even want to get out of bed, I just want to disappear and leave no trace, no death, no messy end, just complete erasure. Like I never even happened.
.
Would it be better that way? Some days I feel like it would be. I am not eating well, I am not sleeping well, I am not LIVING . I am just going through the motions with the rotation of the earth, and revolution of the earth around the sun. That is not life. Feeling hollow and serving up fake smiles and cheer at a job then going to the place where you lay your head at night only to seclude yourself in the dark until you have to go to work and put on your customer service mask, flawless smile, charisma for days. It kills. My life is so shit right now I can't even muster up real happiness, just fake cheer to serve coffee with a smile. But that is even worse. I am hollow on the inside, and I feel fake and disgusting with this super saccharin cheer I wear in public.

My strength can only hold out for so long, it's hard to be strong when you have to be for yourself, by yourself The number of tried and true friends that I can count number on one hand. They can't be there for me in every moment of weakness, I know that. But it doesn't make it easier when I cry myself to sleep some nights. The only thing worse than feeling bad, is feeling NOTHING. My life has gone so far south in my time here that I regret every second, and penny I spent here. It was a mistake I regret to this day, and will for the rest of them. I know that when I move out of this house I will not ever look back or think twice about this place or the people in it. This place is a sinking ship, I've sunk far enough on my own that I don't need to sink even farther with this farce of a 'home". I want to leave with what little sanity I have left, but who knows if I even do at this point. We are all a little bit crazy, but I think by this point I am full blown.

I don't want fame, I don't want fortune, I don't want to live forever. I just want stability. I want a stable life, I want a stable job, I want a stable future. I don't want to have to move like a nomad with the seasons. I don't want to pick up camp and disappear like a gypsy with the wind. I want my life to put down roots and create a stable platform for a happy future. I just want to live with people I love, in a home that is mine, with a job that I love in a place to call my own. Why is that too much to ask, what did I do to deserve the fate that life has thrust upon me, what toxic karma did I create in a past life that it would hound me even still? What have I done to deserve the fate I have been dealt? I just want to fold out of this hand and play a new one. They say house always wins but I want to beat the odds and just be happy for once. I don't want any grandiose dreams or wishes granted, my wants are simple; stability, happiness, my love ones close, and a job to put food on the table, and a roof over heads that matter. It's all I want, I pray that I can make it happen. Pray for me, wish for me, donate, give me support; the help you offer doesn't matter, it's the act of offering help that means worlds to me.

I don't expect anyone to read or care about this. I just needed to get these feelings out before the proverbial bottle got so shaken up that it just exploded.

If you read this, thank you.
If you comment on it, thank you.
If you message me privately to show your support, thank you.
If you choose to help me anyway you can, thank you.