So earlier this year I met two old guys. It started with them teasing me for getting so helplessly lost that I eventually gave up on getting directions from friends over the phone, and decided it was worth calling 911. I wasn't too happy that first day, but later I admitted that getting that hoplessly lost, and deciding that was the best solution, was dumb of me and quite humorous in retrospect.

I got to know these two and after a while one of them commented on my obesity and told me I should start walking. I had already tried walking multiple times, but because of a personal character flaw, I couldn't keep it up, making a permanent habit. I told them that another friend of mine had been walking with me, but suddenly had his own issues to work out and essentially dropped me like a bag of garbage.

The one who had asked offered to walk with me, so the three of us did, twice a day every day, at 8am and 8pm. After a while it was causing more harm than health so we dropped it to once a day, which has yielded amazingly positive results.

At the time I had sleep apnia. For those who don't know, this essentially means I stop breathing in the middle of the night, until I partially wake up, take a deep breath, and drift back to sleep. The result being that, even though I don't recall waking up even once, I don't get a full night's sleep leading to lack of focus while awake, and suddenly drifting to sleep, often at inappropriate or even dangerous times. The solution is my Bi-pap machine. I strap a mask to my face and this machine breaths for me.

One day it stopped working. I never did find out if it was the power cord, the machine itself, or something else, but it stopped turning on. "Well fuck" I thought to myself "now I'm going to go back to never being truly awake and sometimes coming close to falling asleep while driving for however long it take bureaucratic hospital shit to get me a new one." When I woke up the next morning I found myself well rested. I've been off the Bi-pap for a month now, thanks to my lungs getting stronger, thanks to my two friends who walk with me.

I got to know the both of them really well, to the point where I consider them family, despite what blood tests will tell you. We talked all the time for hours on end. The one who suggested that we start walking was so proud of me. I was beginning to outpace him, when before half a block was enough for me to be winded. He was going to inherit his father's guitar and had forgone playing guitar until then as some sort of honor/ show of respect. One of the last times I talked to him was before the double moon mars hoax that we both stupidly believed in and wanted to see together.

He died yesterday, I don't know exactly when, but he was found in his locked apartment laying down on the couch with no signs of pain nor exterior wounds. I found out from the other friend at about 9pm that night. I though at first they were pranking me. Some sort of stupid joke, but it wasn't a joke. I wanted to blame someone, to punch or kick or at least yell at them, but there was no one responsible but death itself. I don't believe in God, so I had no one to barter or bargain with. I laughed, I fucking laughed and I couldn't stop laughing. There was nothing funny, I felt and feel like a fucking asshole for laughing, but there was no helping it. I cried, and I cried while laughing. I don't know what part of my brain thought the experience was fucking hilarious, but I wish it would die forever in flames. Finally I collapsed into depression, saying things like. "The future is a lie, we all just run around in circles and then we die", and other similar things.

Around 12:30am the fact that he was gone finally sank in. I grabbed pokemon art academy and drew a picture for him. I suppose it's really for me, because where he is he'll never see it. I'll be posting it shortly after this journal goes up. I feel empty inside, but I know there's a future. Eventually I will move on and be fine, it just feels cheap to say such things already. I could mourn him for weeks and it would feel like I hadn't done enough. But I know I'll move on eventually, and I'm too fucking logical to ignore truth when it's evident and in my face.

I guess that's it. Say whatever you want in the comments. Support me, tease me, whatever. It doesn't really matter I guess. But those of you who decide to be nice, thank you.