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To whom I left so long ago.
10 years ago
( This is adressing someone over something that happened a while ago. Its not really to bring attention to myself or anything, its for the purpose of just smoothing things over. I have something to say to someone, i don't know if they will read it but it doesn't matter. I could note them but i dont really want to contact them, i just want what i have to say to have been said. I suppose you could criticize me for it but i would rather you shut the fuck up at this point.)
Its been a few years now since i saw you and last time i addressed you it was not particularly good. I ranted about you on how you treated me and it was written in spite, a heavy spite that i held for a long time. however recently i have thought about it again and i think i have a diffrent understanding.
When i made that rant i was so angry about how you were to me despite how much i claimed to have cared about you. I said i was always there for you and a bunch of things and then remembered how you disregarded and neglected me. I said i was a loyal friend and you were an asshole who didnt give a shit about me. In my mind i thought i was right about you and painted you as this asshole who wasted my time and broke my heart, but two years later, i'm a little more mature and i think i have a new understanding.
You are not a bad person. I honestly think you have some good qualities, you just were a bit detached. I was so angry about that until i realized what you went through in your life, having gotten close to people and having them torn away from you. I think with that background, i can see how you were so distant from me and most others. Ironically it was your personal issues that made me feel so much compassion for you and well, lets face it, obsessed with being your friend.
Im not going to deny the fact that you did some things that were dick moves however. You wronged me a few times actually. But i guess we all make mistakes and do things we are not proud of. You apologized for all those times and i guess made it up to me.I did some pretty stupid things too to be honest.
Regardless you were not a bad guy, just troubled and distant. Your curse was you were so damn charming and inviting. I loved how confident you seemed and social. You had everyone wrapped around your finger you had so much charisma. I also found you pretty handsome too during a time when i thought i only liked females. You and i did have some good times too, like when we played hide and seek on runescape together. We were friends, but i think that we were just incompatible in the end.
I think the main point of this journal is a new understanding about what happened between you and me. You and i were not compatible. I was very attatched and rather clingy at that time while you were detached and aloof, which got more prevalent as the years came. And i dont blame you for being detatched really. I think you could have worked on it but with what you told me about your home life and your first love of your life, i think i understand what happened. And i honestly think that it probably affects you more than it affected me. It affects your social life and your intimate relations and i cant see any way that it could be easy for you. Maybe you spent so much time creating a club and trying to become popular because you needed to fulfill an emptiness you felt. But i shouldnt assume, i just know i need to be fair with you. I owe you that much atleast.
Maybe that friendship could be summed up in the lyrics of a daft punk song
"what is this? could this be my understanding?
Its not your fault, i was being to demanding."
...
"I turned away because i thought you were the problem, tried to forget until i hit the bottom."
Sometimes i feel that if i wasn't so clingy with you and then get so fed up with your distance, maybe you and i would still be friends, maybe you would have gotten less distant and maybe i would have gotten less clingy. Maybe my expectations were too high. Maybe we could have gotten intimate a few more times. You told me you were proud of me when i decided to let you go and im starting to appreciate that you said that. It is good for me to stand up for myself, but maybe i shouldn't have been so adamant about letting out friendship dissolve. I do think it was a bit detatched for you to say though, i wish you would have atleast tried to ask for another chance, but maybe you were thinking the same thing that i was thinking at the time, that you and i were just not working out.
Ive just been holding onto the feelings of spite for so long and its taken me two years to realize that neither one of us has to be the bad guy in this situation, we both did things. I did cause two of your employees to quit working at your second life club because i was too sensitive. I think its mature to give you the benefit of the doubt and try to see things more from your point of view and come to the understanding that maybe it was just not working out not just because of you but because of how we both were. I just think im ready to let it go. It took me long enough but i guess im still a sensitive soul.
In all truth i hope you are doing okay these days and live a happy life. I think you are a good person with demons of your own just like all of us. You may not be perfect and neither am I. I hope everything works out for you.
You did alot for me and maybe i should have given you more credit, you intoduced me to the fandom more, you got me into second life, and durring the good times you were actually a pretty fun guy to be around. Im sorry it took me so long to let it go.
I dont know a propper way to end this but i just want it to be said that im glad i got the chance to be around you for all the times we had, good or bad. I guess ill end this by summing it up with song lyrics.
"One night and one more time
Thanks for all the memories, thanks for all the memories"
-Nick~
Its been a few years now since i saw you and last time i addressed you it was not particularly good. I ranted about you on how you treated me and it was written in spite, a heavy spite that i held for a long time. however recently i have thought about it again and i think i have a diffrent understanding.
When i made that rant i was so angry about how you were to me despite how much i claimed to have cared about you. I said i was always there for you and a bunch of things and then remembered how you disregarded and neglected me. I said i was a loyal friend and you were an asshole who didnt give a shit about me. In my mind i thought i was right about you and painted you as this asshole who wasted my time and broke my heart, but two years later, i'm a little more mature and i think i have a new understanding.
You are not a bad person. I honestly think you have some good qualities, you just were a bit detached. I was so angry about that until i realized what you went through in your life, having gotten close to people and having them torn away from you. I think with that background, i can see how you were so distant from me and most others. Ironically it was your personal issues that made me feel so much compassion for you and well, lets face it, obsessed with being your friend.
Im not going to deny the fact that you did some things that were dick moves however. You wronged me a few times actually. But i guess we all make mistakes and do things we are not proud of. You apologized for all those times and i guess made it up to me.I did some pretty stupid things too to be honest.
Regardless you were not a bad guy, just troubled and distant. Your curse was you were so damn charming and inviting. I loved how confident you seemed and social. You had everyone wrapped around your finger you had so much charisma. I also found you pretty handsome too during a time when i thought i only liked females. You and i did have some good times too, like when we played hide and seek on runescape together. We were friends, but i think that we were just incompatible in the end.
I think the main point of this journal is a new understanding about what happened between you and me. You and i were not compatible. I was very attatched and rather clingy at that time while you were detached and aloof, which got more prevalent as the years came. And i dont blame you for being detatched really. I think you could have worked on it but with what you told me about your home life and your first love of your life, i think i understand what happened. And i honestly think that it probably affects you more than it affected me. It affects your social life and your intimate relations and i cant see any way that it could be easy for you. Maybe you spent so much time creating a club and trying to become popular because you needed to fulfill an emptiness you felt. But i shouldnt assume, i just know i need to be fair with you. I owe you that much atleast.
Maybe that friendship could be summed up in the lyrics of a daft punk song
"what is this? could this be my understanding?
Its not your fault, i was being to demanding."
...
"I turned away because i thought you were the problem, tried to forget until i hit the bottom."
Sometimes i feel that if i wasn't so clingy with you and then get so fed up with your distance, maybe you and i would still be friends, maybe you would have gotten less distant and maybe i would have gotten less clingy. Maybe my expectations were too high. Maybe we could have gotten intimate a few more times. You told me you were proud of me when i decided to let you go and im starting to appreciate that you said that. It is good for me to stand up for myself, but maybe i shouldn't have been so adamant about letting out friendship dissolve. I do think it was a bit detatched for you to say though, i wish you would have atleast tried to ask for another chance, but maybe you were thinking the same thing that i was thinking at the time, that you and i were just not working out.
Ive just been holding onto the feelings of spite for so long and its taken me two years to realize that neither one of us has to be the bad guy in this situation, we both did things. I did cause two of your employees to quit working at your second life club because i was too sensitive. I think its mature to give you the benefit of the doubt and try to see things more from your point of view and come to the understanding that maybe it was just not working out not just because of you but because of how we both were. I just think im ready to let it go. It took me long enough but i guess im still a sensitive soul.
In all truth i hope you are doing okay these days and live a happy life. I think you are a good person with demons of your own just like all of us. You may not be perfect and neither am I. I hope everything works out for you.
You did alot for me and maybe i should have given you more credit, you intoduced me to the fandom more, you got me into second life, and durring the good times you were actually a pretty fun guy to be around. Im sorry it took me so long to let it go.
I dont know a propper way to end this but i just want it to be said that im glad i got the chance to be around you for all the times we had, good or bad. I guess ill end this by summing it up with song lyrics.
"One night and one more time
Thanks for all the memories, thanks for all the memories"
-Nick~
