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Hoo boy, I'm alive, I promise!
10 years ago
General
I wish I had a good reason for having been rather inactive here, but I have none. Quite frankly, I have no idea where the time has gone.. I don't believe I have been all that busy or productive. Close your eyes one minute, and three weeks have passed. ..Watching TV and eating things I shouldn't eat is probably the answer.
But, onward. We're entering a fun time of year! On Friday I will be expecting all the children to come by for candy (our town is having the festivities on Friday). I am not sure if I will get a second crowd on Saturday too, as families from neighboring towns drive to ours for trick-or-treating.. and they may not get the memo about it being on Friday. I am prepared! I have candy and small toys! My first year in this home I did not realize how big of a deal Halloween is in this town and I was completely caught off guard by the droves of kids. I had to turn off all the lights and hide, or they would not stop knocking. Awful! Now I love handing out goodies.
Thanksgiving is not much of a big deal to me. I have no family nearby, really. Whenever I do make a turkey I have to eat it for a week straight.. I don't know what I will do this year. I am really not very fond of the day, it just reminds me how much I wish I had a large family gathering.
I do like Christmas. Not so much for gifts, because honestly, I never get any. I enjoy baking cookies and bringing them to neighbors (who often return the favor, I just love that!). It's just that cozy feeling, the songs, the yummy foods. To Germans December is a pretty big deal, moreso than Americans. I crave the Christmas markets, mulled wine, the local treats, all the lights everywhere. I eat way too much sweets in December.. marzipan, gingerbread, chocolates. Be still, my heart. Growing up we had St. Nicholas in early December, and Christmas (without Santa) for TWO days.. and then New Years eve. Fireworks were huge, it was the only day they were allowed to be lit. I remember one year where there was a fog, which caused all the fumes to stick to the ground.. Couldn't see a foot in front of you. Good times. And these evening long revue shows. Oh I miss them.
I don't bother with fireworks anymore.. Usually someone else will light some, and I'll watch. But again, the food. Goodness, the food. Fried everything! And then you can pretend how healthy you are going to be the next 11 months.
This is the time of year I get nostalgic, and a bit lonely. I miss family. And I miss my home country. Finding some of the food in the stores makes me happy, just for a little bit. Drinking loads of mulled wine fixes it.
So, I am still alive. Good times coming. Must give myself gifts, that don't go to my hips!
But, onward. We're entering a fun time of year! On Friday I will be expecting all the children to come by for candy (our town is having the festivities on Friday). I am not sure if I will get a second crowd on Saturday too, as families from neighboring towns drive to ours for trick-or-treating.. and they may not get the memo about it being on Friday. I am prepared! I have candy and small toys! My first year in this home I did not realize how big of a deal Halloween is in this town and I was completely caught off guard by the droves of kids. I had to turn off all the lights and hide, or they would not stop knocking. Awful! Now I love handing out goodies.
Thanksgiving is not much of a big deal to me. I have no family nearby, really. Whenever I do make a turkey I have to eat it for a week straight.. I don't know what I will do this year. I am really not very fond of the day, it just reminds me how much I wish I had a large family gathering.
I do like Christmas. Not so much for gifts, because honestly, I never get any. I enjoy baking cookies and bringing them to neighbors (who often return the favor, I just love that!). It's just that cozy feeling, the songs, the yummy foods. To Germans December is a pretty big deal, moreso than Americans. I crave the Christmas markets, mulled wine, the local treats, all the lights everywhere. I eat way too much sweets in December.. marzipan, gingerbread, chocolates. Be still, my heart. Growing up we had St. Nicholas in early December, and Christmas (without Santa) for TWO days.. and then New Years eve. Fireworks were huge, it was the only day they were allowed to be lit. I remember one year where there was a fog, which caused all the fumes to stick to the ground.. Couldn't see a foot in front of you. Good times. And these evening long revue shows. Oh I miss them.
I don't bother with fireworks anymore.. Usually someone else will light some, and I'll watch. But again, the food. Goodness, the food. Fried everything! And then you can pretend how healthy you are going to be the next 11 months.
This is the time of year I get nostalgic, and a bit lonely. I miss family. And I miss my home country. Finding some of the food in the stores makes me happy, just for a little bit. Drinking loads of mulled wine fixes it.
So, I am still alive. Good times coming. Must give myself gifts, that don't go to my hips!
But, in all seriousness, I'm glad to see you back on, I was starting to wonder where you were. Your post made me think about how much family means around this time of year and I think I might appreciate my own a little bit more.
It must be hard for you leaving your family behind and moving to a new country, I can't personally relate, but I can imagine. If you ever want to talk or need to vent feel free to note me, I'm always happy to listen.
I need to write more again. I'm just not 100% sure about what direction I want to take things. I feel like they're giving the wrong impression, perhaps. Maybe I need some tamer stuff too.. but does anyone actually read that?
I'm also very familiar with family members thinking your twelve... my father's mother thinks I'm a drooling Autistic that needs orange floaters to eat soup, so I understand the feeling. And I may be a fat, arrogant, loud, gun-toting American... but I like it that way, haha. In all seriousness though, I'm sorry to hear about your family and your parents, I know it's old news by now, but I send my condolences.
I'm a control freak.. I suppose perhaps that is why I love it when I am not in control. Very rarely do I trust people enough to let them be in control, but when I feel able, best thing ever. I can see the appeal of ageplay (not necessarily the whole baby fur thing with diapers.. egh). Being able to let go of the reigns and putting your welfare in the hands of another.. Utopia for me. But, I'm impossible and not very many have managed to gain my trust like that. A certain amount of dominance is needed. I am very dominant myself.
Given that bit, you can imagine personalities clash often. My mother used to call me all sorts of nasty names. She said she loved me, but I really never felt it. They supported me, but I always felt I had to be the adult. Yes, I did play some as a child, but very early on I was far too serious in spirit.. I lost innocence really young. I still like to daydream and I do have a vivid imagination (VERY vivid).. but I haven't had many chances to be irresponsible. The whole wild teenager thing? Not me. I think that is what I regret most.. and feel I missed out on.
So frankly, no big loss in the family department. I am too difficult a person to ever have the whole idyllic big family gathering thing. It's just a pipe dream.. No happy memories for me.
I guess that could be attributed to natural male testosterone? Some sort of Alpha complex I guess. I mean, when I see someone taller than me, my first instinct is to want to fight them. I'm very... primal, in some ways. Sangre por sangre. I'm no shining star of human kind, but if you're being cocky and uppity, prepare to be knocked down a few pegs.
I can relate to the wild teenager thing, I'm still in my teens, technically, and I've just... never felt the need to lash out and rebel or be irresponsible. I often catch myself thinking people who go out smoking weed or getting drunk or partying are just... dumb. I guess that's be me on my high-horse thinking like that, but I've always felt like I didn't need that. I was perfectly content not doing so and I almost felt like I skipped a few pages of immaturity somewhere. I also have a very vivid imagination, sometimes to where I have hour long scenarios of what may happen if X did Y to Z. I've caught myself talking aloud about it, skipping the gap between thoughts and words, haha.
I'm lucky enough, however, to have a nice enough family who deals with me and that I know love me... even though conflicting alpha personalities get in the way. I'm sorry you didn't have the same with yours.
I have a hard time relating with others. I am empathetic and do lend a helping hand when possible, but overall I'm in a different plane of existing. I'm very much above drama and I am the kind of person to not hold a grudge or hate you, even if you wronged me, but I will walk away. I think they call it the INFJ doorslam. You wont know it happened, but it did. I will quietly disappear from your life.
I have smoked weed, I didn't like it. The control freak again.. I felt as if control of my body left me. This was in Europe though, and it may very well have been stronger. I drink some, but never too much.. I dislike feeling too drunk. Enough to knock off the edge of my tension, to release a little bit of that anxiety. To care just a little less.
Relationships are my weakness. All the stories posted come from my mind, that should explain a bit what goes on in there. *laugh* I have a very odd view on sex and love, compared to most. I enjoy physical contact, I enjoy giving pleasure. I feel that is my special gift, I am really really good at giving pleasure. Friendship in my life equals giving pleasure. So I'm a tad lonely, because most people can't separate love from sex. It gets weird, it gets clingy.. complicated.
I've had some beautiful relationships that were very weird and wonderful. I think my very favorite was an older widowed man, he was the sweetest. So gentle and kind, and very lonely. He would talk to me about his late wife, his grandchildren.. his worries. And I gave him my company. Normal society would have looked at me and wondered what the hell was going on. But I really cared for him. He made me feel welcome, at peace and perhaps even loved. There was no pressure. Just two people and companionship. Age wasn't a factor at all.
I'm an alien, I swear.
I can relate with not feeling as empathetic or relating as much with most. I try to stay out of drama, but it seems to find its way to me and I suddenly get wrapped up in it. And I am pretty unforgiving, more unkept testosterone I guess, haha. I guess that's a more... primal level to me, I guess. Like I have a Wisconsin good ol' boy repressed in "one of those stoic badasses that listen to rock music" to quote Allie Brosh.
I am the epitaph of hopeless romances: falling in love with lesbians, ftm transgenders, people who are much older than me, people who are already taken... it's completely irrational. It's dumb. It's completely asinine. I can't seem to help myself though. I am the biggest dork I know when it comes to that. Buying people whatever they want, trying to be snuggly, just trying too hard... It's probably why people either think I'm creepy or just see me more as a friend than a provider. It burns me.
I'm a big bad wolf whose not bad what-so-ever. I'm a social creature that seems to chose to alienate himself and make himself lonely to make it so I'm clingy and defunct.
I might be my own species entirely, haha.
Relationships are like chicken noodle soup or macaroni and cheese; comfortable. My sex life crashes hopelessly when I am in a committed relationship, to the frustration of my partner. Mac 'n cheese isn't sexy. It's enjoyable though, it makes you warm and fuzzy. It's having a true friend that gets you. Sharing things you enjoy together. Fighting back to back against the world. Someone to vent to without judgement. But it's not sexy. It never is.
I crave that bit of conflict, the taboo, the adrenaline. All my trysts have had an element of the forbidden. Age, marital status, disapproval, kin. I am desperately addicted to that. Always have been. Not sure where it went wrong *laugh* I mean, it must have. I don't think the average person functions like that. I clearly recall dreaming of being an escort when I wasn't even legal to drive yet. That was my dream job! My favorite movie was one of those girly erotic adventure movies, a nipple here and there and a whole lot of bad men trying to get the heroine. That just.. mmm.
I've got a few screws loose upstairs, no doubt.. or everything is tightly in place and I just see the world in a different color. Life has so little meaning to me. I don't feel much beyond the craving. I have no great big dreams like some people do. Money means nothing to me, but maybe a means to do what I want to do..
I sound like such a ho *laugh* I'm not easy though, pretty picky. It has to feel right. There's no list of criteria.. it's all intuition. This is why guys always say they need a manual to women, huh? Because it just makes no sense who is friend material and who is not. I'm not much help there *laugh* I like the outcasts and misfits usually though. The guys other girls wouldn't look twice at. I guess it's my self-esteem too.. not as likely to be turned down by those that are at the bottom of the totem pole. Too popular and goodlooking and I feel like I am out of my league. Girls I am much more picky about, it is purely physical there. I don't like women much, as friends or lovers.. don't trust them much, because they are so good at the drama and two-faced bullshit. But I love to look at a beautiful girl, and play with all that fun stuff
I'm already too far gone with women, so I wouldn't know any better or worse talking with you. All I can say is that I'm a bit of a misfit and a sexual deviant that's never had sex. I have a feeling my awkwardness in everday life would transfer over to the bedroom and the night would be resolved with: "I have a headache," haha.