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Alive and kickin'
10 years ago
General
I've not done a lot of writing, and no writing means no art. Those two go hand in hand. The story creates the art, the art creates the story. Lame, I know.
End of the year, the priorities shift. Catching up with friends and family, traveling, dealing with bills that are higher than usual due to the colder weather and ofcourse all the little gifts and things one needs to buy. I hope that come spring my finances allow a few splurges, everything willing. There are several artists I would LOVE to get art from.. so we'll see.
I need to get my mind right, to write again. It's all over the place at times. In German there's a term for it, it's called wankelmuetig. Fickle, wishywashy, unsure.. I don't like writing stories that are too mushy. I think the blizzard one toed that line a bit too closely. Fucked with my head. All stories are inspired by real life, and that one came too close to reality, to things I've felt too strongly. It's a sick feeling, when you remember something too vividly. It's like a high, from a drug you gave up long ago, but then right there in that moment you want to pick the habit back up. Never mind you dropped that habit for a good reason.. it was killing you.
SO yes. I need to not get too deep into this. It's dangerous.. but it feels SO good.
End of the year, the priorities shift. Catching up with friends and family, traveling, dealing with bills that are higher than usual due to the colder weather and ofcourse all the little gifts and things one needs to buy. I hope that come spring my finances allow a few splurges, everything willing. There are several artists I would LOVE to get art from.. so we'll see.
I need to get my mind right, to write again. It's all over the place at times. In German there's a term for it, it's called wankelmuetig. Fickle, wishywashy, unsure.. I don't like writing stories that are too mushy. I think the blizzard one toed that line a bit too closely. Fucked with my head. All stories are inspired by real life, and that one came too close to reality, to things I've felt too strongly. It's a sick feeling, when you remember something too vividly. It's like a high, from a drug you gave up long ago, but then right there in that moment you want to pick the habit back up. Never mind you dropped that habit for a good reason.. it was killing you.
SO yes. I need to not get too deep into this. It's dangerous.. but it feels SO good.
I'm fine, happy, just ya know, thinking too much. I love thinking. I can do that for hours on end. But too much of it gets you in trouble too. Haha. This time of year easily leads to nostalgic thought, maybe melancholy too. What ifs. I know I did the right thing when I moved on, and yet this whole realm I've created for myself is based on NOT moving on. The fantasy is usually enough for me, but this time of year the heart sometimes considers reconnecting. Ah, delicious trouble. And then ofcourse he had to poke me the other day, gave me the "I will always love you, just remember me". Time is a nasty little thing. It makes the bad memories fade and strengthens the sweet ones, idealizes them.. makes them better than they ever were.
So I remind myself, the memory is NOT real. It's something I have built upon. Delightful fantasies kickstarted by someone from the past, but taken on their own life in my mind. My little savings account of filth
I tried to show him some of my work before.. that confirmed my choices were right. No interest in anything about me, beyond the primal stuff.
So yes, I am happy. I'm good. And dangit we need more smut!
Merry Christmas