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10 years ago
Been a while since I posted an update. Sorry for the general lack of decent art lately. Sketches are pretty much all I've had the time and motivation to put out. I've been working on a painting, too, that I've invested a good deal of free time into. Hopefully I'll get time to finish that up soon, given that my work schedule really hasn't allowed me much more than a day or two off for the last few weeks, and thusly I've mostly just spent that time sleeping and dealing with life issues.
Uh, lets see. Since that journal about happiness, I've actually felt a tiny bit better. Still really fucked up deep down, and since Ranger's passing last week, grief has sort of tinged a lot of my waking moments. I've accepted that he's gone now, we have his ashes back and are pricing out an urn for them, but it still prods at my emotions when I remember something that he used to do, or things that he's going to miss now. Not crying as much, those dried up about three days in, but I still get pretty choked up here and there. Looking at pictures and printing them off has been pretty cathartic, which I'm grateful for. Thank you, as well, to everyone who has wished my family well and given condolences during this difficult time. They're all appreciated, and they've helped with getting me through this period of grief. Ranger would have been begging a treat off all of you at this point, so I think he would be thankful for the well wishes on his passing.
Mentally, even before Ranger's passing, I just haven't been doing well. I generally try not to reach out to help for others because I don't feel like I've earned that right, and they're all busy with their own issues and grievances. So, yeah. It's easier, I find, to push away my own negative thoughts and feelings by trying to help others, instead. I don't know how successful I've been, but at least it's kept my mind off certain things. It's been stressful at work, too, so much so that it's to the point where I'm constantly craving something to smoke or drink, despite the fact that I hate smoking and generally will only indulge in a cooler here or there (alcohol is pretty ick to my tastebuds, tbh). It's frightening, in a way, because I have this niggling feeling in the back of my mind that I could easily become an addict to something if I gave it enough of a chance. So, yeah. That, and the shaky hands are a new thing. I'm dealing, though. Surviving and putting other things to the forefront of my mind to keep on going. Christmas being around the corner is helping, I guess. (I'm stupid excited for it every year, and I'm not even a kid anymore! :P )
I think I've settled into adulthood now. I turn 24 on New Years, so it's about time, eh? I'm getting a handle on my financial and personal responsibilities, learning to prioritize the items and events in my life, and I feel like I've learned a lot about myself in the last few months, too. Despite having a rough time, mentally and emotionally, I've opened myself up to trying some new things - mainly, hockey! I know, I know, Canadians are long fabled for their hockey addiction. The fact that I wasn't crazy about it before was mainly due to my family being more of a football-oriented household. But now that I've taken the time to watch a few NHL games and throw my affection in for a certain team (Go, Sharks!), I find that I'm really enjoying it. And it's inspired me to take up skating again, for the first time in almost 10 years. I'll be going to skate with my older sister on Thursday for the first time since my 10th grade phys. ed class had it as a unit, and I'm really fucking excited about it! My goal is to teach myself how to stop properly, and how to skate backwards. :D
Anyhow, I should wrap this up now before I go on any longer. Gotta hit the hay for another shift tonight. Sorry this is a mixed bag of negatives and positives, but that's just life. I'm dealing.
Happy Halloween, all, and keep yourself warm and safe in the coming months!
- mase
Uh, lets see. Since that journal about happiness, I've actually felt a tiny bit better. Still really fucked up deep down, and since Ranger's passing last week, grief has sort of tinged a lot of my waking moments. I've accepted that he's gone now, we have his ashes back and are pricing out an urn for them, but it still prods at my emotions when I remember something that he used to do, or things that he's going to miss now. Not crying as much, those dried up about three days in, but I still get pretty choked up here and there. Looking at pictures and printing them off has been pretty cathartic, which I'm grateful for. Thank you, as well, to everyone who has wished my family well and given condolences during this difficult time. They're all appreciated, and they've helped with getting me through this period of grief. Ranger would have been begging a treat off all of you at this point, so I think he would be thankful for the well wishes on his passing.
Mentally, even before Ranger's passing, I just haven't been doing well. I generally try not to reach out to help for others because I don't feel like I've earned that right, and they're all busy with their own issues and grievances. So, yeah. It's easier, I find, to push away my own negative thoughts and feelings by trying to help others, instead. I don't know how successful I've been, but at least it's kept my mind off certain things. It's been stressful at work, too, so much so that it's to the point where I'm constantly craving something to smoke or drink, despite the fact that I hate smoking and generally will only indulge in a cooler here or there (alcohol is pretty ick to my tastebuds, tbh). It's frightening, in a way, because I have this niggling feeling in the back of my mind that I could easily become an addict to something if I gave it enough of a chance. So, yeah. That, and the shaky hands are a new thing. I'm dealing, though. Surviving and putting other things to the forefront of my mind to keep on going. Christmas being around the corner is helping, I guess. (I'm stupid excited for it every year, and I'm not even a kid anymore! :P )
I think I've settled into adulthood now. I turn 24 on New Years, so it's about time, eh? I'm getting a handle on my financial and personal responsibilities, learning to prioritize the items and events in my life, and I feel like I've learned a lot about myself in the last few months, too. Despite having a rough time, mentally and emotionally, I've opened myself up to trying some new things - mainly, hockey! I know, I know, Canadians are long fabled for their hockey addiction. The fact that I wasn't crazy about it before was mainly due to my family being more of a football-oriented household. But now that I've taken the time to watch a few NHL games and throw my affection in for a certain team (Go, Sharks!), I find that I'm really enjoying it. And it's inspired me to take up skating again, for the first time in almost 10 years. I'll be going to skate with my older sister on Thursday for the first time since my 10th grade phys. ed class had it as a unit, and I'm really fucking excited about it! My goal is to teach myself how to stop properly, and how to skate backwards. :D
Anyhow, I should wrap this up now before I go on any longer. Gotta hit the hay for another shift tonight. Sorry this is a mixed bag of negatives and positives, but that's just life. I'm dealing.
Happy Halloween, all, and keep yourself warm and safe in the coming months!
- mase
