I love my friends, and for the most part, there's nothing I wouldn't do for them, or not do for them. It's what's kept me here. Without them I wouldn't be stronger each day and be able to share that strength through laughter and smiles with them when I can. Having friends, being friends is something all the more common to me as for the most part it is all I can have.

A relationship? Something that would bound people romantically? Never. For the longest time, practically all my life, I've been the supporting friend, only to watch people progress farther down the path with a special someone. At times, I could only watch as one I love would go off toward their happiness with someone else. That has been my life. I've been geared as many things. Recently I've been seen as a stalker and too soft. There's a reason for both and their own share of stories as to how something like that could arise.

Eccentially in the most brief I could make it, it's the risks you do and what actions you take everyday that govern how a chain of events unfolds. I've walked forty miles at one time and on several even taken trips to see those cared for by plane, to be able to see more of their world by leaving a piece of mine. Each time I had to make a sacrifice and like each time. It did end smoothly, we did have a great time. It was the after effects of when well things change in other areas that make it where just like being in the normal world, the other dwell on other people. Again, I can only watch this happen simply because for whatever reason, it's their choice in that they made and it's something I have to "understand" and just give them their space in such things.

Something like that could be understandable, but for the many times I've said I understand, no case has ever been different. So here I remain no matter what things I do or lengths I go. I'm only merited as friend material. This in many strides is why I can't share my much of my art on my pages and haven't done so in a long time.

My art attributes for my more inner most personal feelings and a place to submit them by the journal is nice, just to have something to look at or remember or do something that would be for someone special to me. All of my friends are and anyone else that is even more so than that.

The biggest fear I had and I hate to have was not posting things because of how others might judge it. I wasn't proven wrong just under two months ago from when I commissioned some art and drama ensued when it never should have. I'm an artist like anyone can be, the vision was only intended for good and not evil purposes, homages really.

That's all I try to do for friends and at times they give restrictions which are understood and can be followed, but I shouldn't censor myself and I shouldn't be treated as such like I have by people. Those that tell me not to look back, but in their own actions do so and dishonestly keep the information about it when they should have trust in me.

Trust is always a big thing. I trust them with much and in return it's never usually returned. That only makes whatever choice you made completely wrong if you cannot be honest with yourself and anyone you may care about. It's wrong to do that because once you do, you change things, dramatically. You hurt those you try not to and you leave them to try and understand what the god damn you were thinking in the first place. I'm tired of having that patience and being kind, caring and it gets walked over upon, especially by the opposite sex who for the most part have treated me like shit.

That's my risk. I'm not one to just fuck a girl and never call. The reason I waited so long wasn't because of the work or even if I couldn't get a girl but because I wanted something meaningful and that is my choice and heartache there when the times come like now. I accept that more each time and understand when things go like shit because I'm not acting like other guys should and just be less of the compassionate and do less like they should.

I don't want to change that, but why can't people see that shit in the first place? Women fawn over that shit for movies and stories, but when they see it happening it's like their deaf, dumb and stupid. It's like the cruelest joke from any creator in being with that person you do dream about and have had those wonderful times with, only for the reality to shatter on you at every step, you're just friend matterial because you won't treat them like shit.

I've only saw pain from that in seeing women hurt down that path and there's just more to things in how much more satisfying it would feel in just that being seen of what someone who doesn't go that path can do. I don't see people do the things I do and those are what people do for those they love. This time has forgotten about that. Their too selfish and only want what they want, and that's not what love is.

There's a reason someone won't visit you if it's been over one or two or even three years. It's because they are satisfied in their life and know for now this is the best it's going to get, they don't want to risk it but that's the only way for life to change or be better is risks.

There's also a reason why someone is your ex and that's because that time in your life passed and for whatever happened, you both grew in the opposite direction and that's where life seemed to better take you.
There's always a saying you can't go home again and that's true.

Most things should be left as they were as the memories you shared and had and the happiness you had. Even if it breaks your heart everytime you think of what could have been. You try not to show the scars and stand again, be yourself and embrace those you care for a bit more tighter only wishing they understood you more and what you need that you never have.

I've only been a half. Those that I've felt a strong connection to that I could feel whole with have rejected me. Those of which I dreamed would feel the same way about me. Some in particular I felt that connection with. How much we liked and could share. I could be myself, they could be theirself. Those that you are exes with or continue to live a fantasy with, they at least have experienced that in their life. It's something and the real thing I desire in this world. I don't need money, I don't need entertainment. I need that special someone who will always be there and can share how I feel with them always.


Obviously there's a hidden message here and it's for certain people who might trigger this about. Otherwise I could stop saying so much shit. I hate making so many paragraphs, but my mind is that ocean of words and I can't keep getting lost in the tides. I'm not complaining, I'm tired of understanding.


People are fucking selfish. They are blind to what's in front of them, but will make mistakes. Will persue some god awful shit and stupid mother fuckers and then I'll be the one that has to say I understand. I mean nothing more than just to be a yes man or a support group. Fuck that.

That's fine. I actually am writing this very calmly but can put emphasis in what is the truth. that's the power of emotions in how you connect with your words and drawings. Passion.

No I'm not whining of what I can't have, I'm stating life in how I'm not alone. This happens everyday where people make decisions like this, make choices, piss people off, upset them without knowing it because communication is sometimes like getting dial up when it should be cable. It's an ongoing cycle. I've been ignored and anything else you can think of because I have my heart on a sleeve. People wonder why don't I have someone? Simple, there's no chance. Those I connect with get what they want always. If these people understand my side and don't say to fuck off which they might, then they need to look at themselves too and see exactly if what they are doing is right.

People want to be treated like adults but they never really grow up. The internet is proof of that. How many times is it the same bullshit of people screwing another over, crying over some stupid art shit (this place in particular) over characters they don't have copyrights for, yet they cry when people do their characters? This site is a fansite, some people make money, some people have other methods in what they do. Relationships are generally the same and in this sad community goes hand in glove because it's juristiction is by how many pixels you can wow people with. Let alone, most don't know how to work a real fucking job.

There's some that break this curve, but I for one am tired of seeing immature fucks everywhere I go. Assholes breed assholes and dumbasses are born every minute.

I know this feels like a rant and I'm preaching to the choir, but I'm changing fucking shit. People here whine on ways to "change" but I guess I'll do it my own way.

First of all art: I will post what inspires me and ask permission when necessary but if it gets removed there better be a full fucking list why it did, because if not, it'll take me a very short fucking time to go to my lawyer and shut this bitch down. I do know my rights and I am entitled not to be censored by anyone like anyone else here. (Especially when it's not harmful. One person can whine and bitch but they should fucking grow up.)

Secondly. This one is a mixed bag. Because it falls under how I feel about friends and what I said. It's very hard to determine, because from what I was told from the situation in reverse I would go to the curb. Yet here it's the same but it's them in the crosshairs. Should I do it thusly and go forth? That's wjhere I stand and that's on a case by case basis. I don't like turning people away and it's not being soft for doing so, it's being humble and showing compassion.

I'll be pissed and numb later, I don't drink but this would put me there, but you know what? I've been through this shit so much it's not as much surprising as it would be, that's the sad part. Show me someone a diamond in the rough who won't make mistakes but then again that person wouldn't be a person at all or human.