So this will be a longer (and probably darker) journal just reflecting on this year.
It is partly addressed to myself too.

This year went over my head extremely quick; I often found time skipping over me; weeks even months just disappearing.
My depression and anxieties have really strengthened up; and even though I have more hopes for the future and this was far my best year in my life, I'm still struggling to feel good about it; I know with my mind that my life has improved, but my mood can't match this. And I'm trying, I'm trying to not be depressed; even if I know it's not how it works.

I'm planning on temporarily moving to Berlin later this year; mostly because I have some people there who already know the flow of things so I won't be 100% lost; I have never been really abroad in my life so suddenly just moving out by myself could pose a huge problem to me. There I'm hoping to finally be able to get medical help which I can't get here for many reasons.
I tried psychologists when I was in school, they did not help; even during my teen ages when I was a drunkard who thought about suicide all the time, and I told them I'm scared; I was not helped but sent home. And I don't have the money for a proper private doctor ever since then.
Nightmares and heavy migraine every single night, hundreds of phobias, anxiety attacks; I'm in relatively good control of it now though. It still affects my life and I would still do anything to get rid of them.

I broke up with my boyfriend; I did it because I can't even keep up with myself; seeing or talking with anyone just became too hard. I hate myself so much that I can't bear anyone so near to me... it's a laugh I know.

I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore; when I do my first though is always "that's not me".

And I dug myself into a backlog so deep it frightens me to think about it. It probably puts a lot into my anxiety; but if wasn't for that I might wouldn't be here anyway; simply the sense of responsibility kept me going for some time.

But to have some positive: I got a cat! It previously belonged to another furry and we were only supposed to find him a new home; taking care of him temporarily. But I really love him! Even though I know I won't be able to take him with me and that thought breaks me.

I'm still technically homeless, freeloading out of need at a friend, but at least i have a tablet on my own; which is great improvement.

This all sounds depressing, but it's a lot brighter than it was once; and I'm not searching for pity or sorry; I know I can get though if I work hard and keep up; this is just the situation I'm in right now.

and I can't thank you guys, furries, enough for the support and patience you gave me! I got no help from family, friends, doctors, but only you! I honestly love you guys.
I'm going for an even better year in 2016!

Thank you
and of course,

Happy new year!