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Update
6 years ago
Reminder that I'm around. I'm still working on my backlog. I am very, very sorry it is taking me so long.
This is absolutely everything i focused on during this time of silence, i haven't left my room even other than to buy food. I have closed myself up and put myself to this task only.
I am currently working on getting professional help too with my mental state. I asked my friends to help and push me some time ago as well, although nothing came of it yet.
Weeks of my life are disappearing with little memory left of it to me, and I have anxiety attacks and nightmares at all times. I have broken down mentally from the stress and anxiety of trying to fix the mess I made and making people wait for so long. I understand this is not an excuse, but it is the situation I'm dealing with. Believe me that I'm trying with everything I have, I wish to move on from this state of my life and start over properly.
I want to remind people that for commission related deals the best way to reach me is through e-mail; I didn't even log in to my FA for a very long time and I didn't see the notes I received.
I would also like people to stop spreading misinformation where I have went; especially rumours about death, suicide or running. I will not run from my responsibilities and will keep working away at this.
(I will remove shouts too that suggest I am dead in order to stop people taking it seriously.)
The reason I'm silent and not updating is the overwhelming stress. I understand this is not professional from me, and I'm very sorry. I simply cannot take the mental strain for the time being, it's taking everything from me to not give up and keep going as it is. I know i am the one who messed up, and I'm putting all my effort into working it out.
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For those who are my new watchers, welcome, thank you for watching me!
Here is a quick recap of what is going on because I understand it's a little confusing for newcomers:
in 2014 I was a beginner and unknown artist and was kicked out of my home for being a queer. I had no savings, no family, no local job opportunities, no collateral for loans, i became homeless. I started taking furry commissions as a means to survive. But I could barely charge cents for my art at first, which led me using up my payments before i finished my works; leading me needing to take more commissions, using up before i finished.... you see where this became a vicious cycle. And by the time i realized where it is going I was too deep and couldn't back out. Years later my backlog became absolutely immense, and I was desperately searching for any other way to earn my living to put a stop to it; but there was simply nothing. Even in retrospect, I'm not sure what could i have done.
About 1.5 years ago I was able to rise prices enough where i was able to finish works faster and start refunding older commissions while also saving some for living costs. This is a very slow process, although it has been exponentially speeding up for the past months. I went into a silent hiatus while i work it all out; this was a hard decision that is making me feel a lot of guilt and self-hatred even, but i have been making progress; slow progress but it's progress.
This is the sticky situation I deal with. I apologize for the messy situation and the lack of updates.
I am working towards being able to restart with a clean state where i don't have to juggle refunds, overwork and starvation and prove myself to the community as a professional, reliable artist.
-
Thank you for the overwhelming patience and support for everyone who has been putting up with me all this time.
This is absolutely everything i focused on during this time of silence, i haven't left my room even other than to buy food. I have closed myself up and put myself to this task only.
I am currently working on getting professional help too with my mental state. I asked my friends to help and push me some time ago as well, although nothing came of it yet.
Weeks of my life are disappearing with little memory left of it to me, and I have anxiety attacks and nightmares at all times. I have broken down mentally from the stress and anxiety of trying to fix the mess I made and making people wait for so long. I understand this is not an excuse, but it is the situation I'm dealing with. Believe me that I'm trying with everything I have, I wish to move on from this state of my life and start over properly.
I want to remind people that for commission related deals the best way to reach me is through e-mail; I didn't even log in to my FA for a very long time and I didn't see the notes I received.
I would also like people to stop spreading misinformation where I have went; especially rumours about death, suicide or running. I will not run from my responsibilities and will keep working away at this.
(I will remove shouts too that suggest I am dead in order to stop people taking it seriously.)
The reason I'm silent and not updating is the overwhelming stress. I understand this is not professional from me, and I'm very sorry. I simply cannot take the mental strain for the time being, it's taking everything from me to not give up and keep going as it is. I know i am the one who messed up, and I'm putting all my effort into working it out.
-
For those who are my new watchers, welcome, thank you for watching me!
Here is a quick recap of what is going on because I understand it's a little confusing for newcomers:
in 2014 I was a beginner and unknown artist and was kicked out of my home for being a queer. I had no savings, no family, no local job opportunities, no collateral for loans, i became homeless. I started taking furry commissions as a means to survive. But I could barely charge cents for my art at first, which led me using up my payments before i finished my works; leading me needing to take more commissions, using up before i finished.... you see where this became a vicious cycle. And by the time i realized where it is going I was too deep and couldn't back out. Years later my backlog became absolutely immense, and I was desperately searching for any other way to earn my living to put a stop to it; but there was simply nothing. Even in retrospect, I'm not sure what could i have done.
About 1.5 years ago I was able to rise prices enough where i was able to finish works faster and start refunding older commissions while also saving some for living costs. This is a very slow process, although it has been exponentially speeding up for the past months. I went into a silent hiatus while i work it all out; this was a hard decision that is making me feel a lot of guilt and self-hatred even, but i have been making progress; slow progress but it's progress.
This is the sticky situation I deal with. I apologize for the messy situation and the lack of updates.
I am working towards being able to restart with a clean state where i don't have to juggle refunds, overwork and starvation and prove myself to the community as a professional, reliable artist.
-
Thank you for the overwhelming patience and support for everyone who has been putting up with me all this time.
Be careful to be kind to yourself - I understand it's hard to take breaks and rest and sleep properly, but you'll achieve more.
Also, I'll be first in line once your backlog is clear and you're ready.
I so very much respect your desire to keep your word to your prior commitments and I have no doubt that you will. That being said, while I would much recognize that it cannot fix everything, knowing the toll this has taken on you, I must do my part: please consider my items removed from your backlog; no refund is needed or desired. This small inconvenience to me is fleeting and cannot compare to the anguish it is causing you day to day. It is the least that I can do and I am at peace with this. You are are tremendously talented and you deserve a life where you are free to create rather than be chained to your past circumstances when you made the best choices you could during a time of darkness and weakness. While it is a small gesture, I need to do my part to help you get to that life where you can live in freedom.
I look forward to continuing to see the beautiful works that you will create and share with us-- the world is better for your talent and ability. :)
Nice to hear from you, I was wondering how you doing after these years.
Glad to see you're making progress. This shows that there is hope and it seems possible that you can get through this and be ok! We just want the best for you.
Good luck <3
sorry, just a random follower and not trying to sound preachy or anything, but i hope you are able to take care of yourself. people spreading such gross rumors are disgusting.
I've spent huge amount of time looking up how to improve things, here is a found:
- Better sleep with using bluelight filter on screens 3 hours before sleep, Flux for example.
Worked for me when i thought i'd never sleep like a normal human being.
Gl :)
i wish you the best and happy to see you keep going.
Time to time i check your gallery to see some news and today i saw your journal.
<3
I hope the stress will drop down more since it can cause heavy damage on your own care too