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Apologies
10 years ago
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I do wanna say, to those of you who have pm'd me or commented on my stuff, or tried to start up chats with me, or waited for me to start chats with them over skype or telegram now and things. I wanna say I'm sorry, I've been in an incredile, and rare mind you, anti-social kinda mood I guess since late october early November. Where I've not really wanted to reply to notes or comments, nor have I wanted to RP at all or anything, and I think it's cause of a combination of things.
Mostly this is the time of my yearly post con depression, where there's no convention on the horizon until the springtime. Then it's also the end of the football season so I'm wishing there was more footall, it's also the end of the extra cash I get from working NFL games at Metlife Stadium. Speaking of money i'm also been suspended from my main job that I was really excited to have since late November and have not yet received word if I'm going to be reinstated, or how much longer the suspension will be, or if it's going to be an outright termination, AND I haven't told my parents about it since they told me it was a suspension and I expected it to be not longer than a month and that I could kinda hide that dip in income from my super paranoid and keeping-an-eye-on-my-bank-accounts parents, but now not so much. Not to mention that job anyways, while fun and good, didn't have enough hours to justify it, cause no matter how many shifts I could work, every shift I would only be able to come home with 30 dollars or so cause of the travel costs of that job and the shift lengths, so I'm gonna have to get another job or shift into a better position at that job anyways and that's been hanging over my head since the first week was done at that job and it was clear how much I was ACTUALLY making.
Wow... I, actually started off with that with a big point about the combination of things mostly being that I don't feel like writing much or arting that much and that's why there haven't been hardly any streams, along with the fact that I've recently almost finished the moving in proccess into my new and own house a few minutes away from my folks. But really looking at where my mind went there, I think the vast majority of my stall is the stress I'm under cause of my job and hence money situation. I kinda know that I have to end up doing applications and finding a better more local and hour giving job, but I HATE job searching so much. Along with the hiding of the suspension from my current job from the folks, cause goddamnit I know I've been fired from a number of jobs for dumb reasons, but every single time they refuse to let me live my damn life on my own when it comes to finding my next one, and are always acting disappointed and such around me when I inevitably tell them the bad news and I' sick of seeing them like that, could you guys just be frigging understanding for once?! I screwed up, I got fired, I realize I was an idiot, but I don't have a damn time machine so because I've already realized I was a stupid idiot for that mistake and know that I won't make that mistake again there's no point in you lecturing me or anything I'm almost 30! Stop treating me like I don't know what the hell I'm doing because yes it never should have happened but it did! And expressing again and again that it never should have happened only equates to you saying over nd over again "You are an idiot" and I don't NEED any of that! I already have enough of that in my own head from not living up to my own expectations in freshman year of high school when I dropped down from an academy level school to another lower level vocational school, then when I couldn't get past pre-calculus in college and had to switch fucking majors from engineering to art! I DON'T NEED YOU REMINDING ME OF MY FAILURES. oh... wow....
uhhh... sorry... I, guess I really really needed to get that sorta stuff off my chest... for a while now... damn... no wonder Ive been doing nothing the past month or two, cause that suspension coupled with the fact that job isn't gonna be enough pay by far was dragging that extra baggage along with it in my head. Ugh... damn.. You know. I do have good parents, they watch out for me, they want the best for me, I understand they are trying to help but they don't fucking understand that what I need is for them to lay off of me and let me be on my own to sink or swim. And oh my god I am still ranting about them. Jesus... I guess, yeah. I really really want to prove to them that I am as good as they built me up to be as a kid, when I was getting into gifted and talented programs in elementary school and stuff throughout middle school then high school hitting the wall and getting the biggest reality checks ever. Ugh... I guess they still will never see me as anything but those high expectations that I'm not gonna live up to, at least not anytime soon. And look at me still going! jesus. I'm sorry bout all this baggage I really am. It's just with this job stuff and the new burdons of my rent and such hanging over me, I guess this is crunch time and I know it but I haven't dealt with the stuff holding me back yet in my head. *sighs*
Anyways. long story short, I'm sorry I haven't been up to chatting, rping, keeping up on my ask blog and writings, art, streams, and basically everything since November. If you really want to talk to me on skype, don't be afraid to poke me first, and understand if I don't respond it's got nothing to do with you, I'm just not in the mood to RP or socialize at the moment with anyone but my mate and my almost-mate, and understand that I'm not poking anyone first.
Mostly this is the time of my yearly post con depression, where there's no convention on the horizon until the springtime. Then it's also the end of the football season so I'm wishing there was more footall, it's also the end of the extra cash I get from working NFL games at Metlife Stadium. Speaking of money i'm also been suspended from my main job that I was really excited to have since late November and have not yet received word if I'm going to be reinstated, or how much longer the suspension will be, or if it's going to be an outright termination, AND I haven't told my parents about it since they told me it was a suspension and I expected it to be not longer than a month and that I could kinda hide that dip in income from my super paranoid and keeping-an-eye-on-my-bank-accounts parents, but now not so much. Not to mention that job anyways, while fun and good, didn't have enough hours to justify it, cause no matter how many shifts I could work, every shift I would only be able to come home with 30 dollars or so cause of the travel costs of that job and the shift lengths, so I'm gonna have to get another job or shift into a better position at that job anyways and that's been hanging over my head since the first week was done at that job and it was clear how much I was ACTUALLY making.
Wow... I, actually started off with that with a big point about the combination of things mostly being that I don't feel like writing much or arting that much and that's why there haven't been hardly any streams, along with the fact that I've recently almost finished the moving in proccess into my new and own house a few minutes away from my folks. But really looking at where my mind went there, I think the vast majority of my stall is the stress I'm under cause of my job and hence money situation. I kinda know that I have to end up doing applications and finding a better more local and hour giving job, but I HATE job searching so much. Along with the hiding of the suspension from my current job from the folks, cause goddamnit I know I've been fired from a number of jobs for dumb reasons, but every single time they refuse to let me live my damn life on my own when it comes to finding my next one, and are always acting disappointed and such around me when I inevitably tell them the bad news and I' sick of seeing them like that, could you guys just be frigging understanding for once?! I screwed up, I got fired, I realize I was an idiot, but I don't have a damn time machine so because I've already realized I was a stupid idiot for that mistake and know that I won't make that mistake again there's no point in you lecturing me or anything I'm almost 30! Stop treating me like I don't know what the hell I'm doing because yes it never should have happened but it did! And expressing again and again that it never should have happened only equates to you saying over nd over again "You are an idiot" and I don't NEED any of that! I already have enough of that in my own head from not living up to my own expectations in freshman year of high school when I dropped down from an academy level school to another lower level vocational school, then when I couldn't get past pre-calculus in college and had to switch fucking majors from engineering to art! I DON'T NEED YOU REMINDING ME OF MY FAILURES. oh... wow....
uhhh... sorry... I, guess I really really needed to get that sorta stuff off my chest... for a while now... damn... no wonder Ive been doing nothing the past month or two, cause that suspension coupled with the fact that job isn't gonna be enough pay by far was dragging that extra baggage along with it in my head. Ugh... damn.. You know. I do have good parents, they watch out for me, they want the best for me, I understand they are trying to help but they don't fucking understand that what I need is for them to lay off of me and let me be on my own to sink or swim. And oh my god I am still ranting about them. Jesus... I guess, yeah. I really really want to prove to them that I am as good as they built me up to be as a kid, when I was getting into gifted and talented programs in elementary school and stuff throughout middle school then high school hitting the wall and getting the biggest reality checks ever. Ugh... I guess they still will never see me as anything but those high expectations that I'm not gonna live up to, at least not anytime soon. And look at me still going! jesus. I'm sorry bout all this baggage I really am. It's just with this job stuff and the new burdons of my rent and such hanging over me, I guess this is crunch time and I know it but I haven't dealt with the stuff holding me back yet in my head. *sighs*
Anyways. long story short, I'm sorry I haven't been up to chatting, rping, keeping up on my ask blog and writings, art, streams, and basically everything since November. If you really want to talk to me on skype, don't be afraid to poke me first, and understand if I don't respond it's got nothing to do with you, I'm just not in the mood to RP or socialize at the moment with anyone but my mate and my almost-mate, and understand that I'm not poking anyone first.
thanks for the understnding though :)
Anyway, I get the whole high expectations thing. I was the same way getting all the good scores and recommendations into gifted programs and whatever, even my first year of high school the IB coordinator grabbed me out of class to interview me and try to put me in the IB programme. Of course, shit happened and now my parents can only see those beatiful pictures painted in their heads according to bullshit. Just have to do our bests to prove we can make with what we have and improve from where we are now, step by step. They'll say hurtful things, just try to ignore them when they say that. It'll hurt, but there's not much to be done but try to move on.
Good luck with your job hunting, by the way.
and ohhh man, heh, you know... XD You totally know. and yes indeed thats all we can do *hugs* heh. and thanks for the good luck
Also this whole shit job thing is driving me towards wanting to play powerball, but that'll end up the biggest waste of money.