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The shit storm! Movie Edition
10 years ago
Okay.
Lets talk about something much more important than feelings. And emotions. And wenches who squish your heart like the overripe tomato you have in your fridge because you swear you're going to use it for a stew or soup but never get around to it because I don't know how to make soup.
I kind of want some soup now..brb...
Okay. I have soup.
Wait I don't like tomato soup.
MOVIES! movies are more important than all that other stuff!
SO I've been watching a slew of movies lately,
Some good. Some Bad. Some decidedly Star Wars. Yes, Star wars gets its own category on the scale of good and bad.
Out of the gate Star wars is clearly my favourite of the season. Watched it 3 times. Yes, it has it's problems.
But we're not here to discuss them. I feel people have discussed it enough and therefor..I won't...in this journal. Oh we are going to talk star wars. I guarantee it. just not now.
The movies I want to talk about are the stinkeroonies!
The bad ones. The ones that make you puke only slightly in your mouth and make you go "what? WHAT??"
Let me list them off.
Fantastic four(because you just have to!)
Hitman: Agent 47 (why wouldn't you?..what's wrong with you?)
Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse (this one is just sad)
San Andreas (The rock lured me in with his..non acting)
Maze Runner: the Scorch trials(WHAT?)
Now each movie has it's own article length review that I'm not going into so I'll do my 3 faves.
FF, Hitman and Scorch trials. And I'll try to keep it short
Fantastic Four:
Look, we all knew that this was going to be bad. But see in the world of bad movies we have a few categories. I'm not going to list them, but the most popular is the rebound bad movie, which is so bad it goes all the way round and becomes amazing. And then we have this movie. The car crash. A gruesome horrifying incident that you cannot turn away from. FF is an interesting movie, because even if everything worked. NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THIS CREEPY ASS-FEST! FF at their core are adventurers. Not super heroes. They don't go around saving the world..they explore undiscovered civilizations and if a threat just so happens to pop up, they deal with it. They should have more in common with Jurassic Park, thematically than Spider-man! Everything is shite! They don't even write Ben Grimm and reed as if they're friends. They don't even look like they like each other!...they don't even talk to each other, except to give exposition. BUT...you need to see it. It fails so hard..I can only recommend it to you!
Scorch Trials:
What the Jesus was this movie?
I won't lie, I'm a fan of the first movie. Not in that die hard Star Warsian way where I would cut you and your mother if you make fun of it. More in a 'I'm a fan of dingey Chinese restaurants because I like to see if I can taste the cat in my meal'.
It's more of an experiment(no I don't really do it. It's a joke..you sick bastards)
I was fan because it posed so many questions and left so many things unsaid that my curiosity was piqued. So i couldn't wait for number2(that's what this movie was a number 2 alright). They promised to answer those herpes-like burning questions. Did they? Did they answer my questions?
Allow me to cut through the mystique to its subtle answers...ahem..."FUCK YOU! There's your answer! I gots yo money, bitch! Whatcha gonna do? NOTHING, BITCH! Here have a buncha zombies and a cute hispanic chick to jerk off to!" Fuck this movie right in it's ear.
Hitman: Agent47
This. This fucking movie.
I can't help but smile when I say it's title. Because WOW.
Remember how those games were intelligent? Asking it's player to think outside the box to assassinate a target in a way that would appear most like an accident? Remember how the first movie attempted to bring that into it's world, it tried to pretend it had a brain? This movie? ho HO! This movie ..I can't be angry with it anymore..because as it's plot progresses you don't know what you're looking at anymore. Is he an assassin? Is he a super soldier? Is he fucking Neo? Is this a dream? This movie has had so much thought poured into it, it has like 5 different twists in it. And the way it delivers those twists is like when your mom finds your porn stash and yells it from the other room and you just sit there yelling back "I have a dick, I masturbate, you know" and she yells back " well now I will masturbate too!". No dramatic tension at all.
This movie isn't bad..it's so so SO FUCKING DUMB! When you get to the end you'll be laughing your ass off. Tears...tears were streaming down my face! Oh Oh how I love this stupid, brain numbing movie.
So yeah. I suggest you take a look t these movies, if you haven't yet.
Also has anyone seen the Krampus? It didn't come down here and I really wanna see it!
Lets talk about something much more important than feelings. And emotions. And wenches who squish your heart like the overripe tomato you have in your fridge because you swear you're going to use it for a stew or soup but never get around to it because I don't know how to make soup.
I kind of want some soup now..brb...
Okay. I have soup.
Wait I don't like tomato soup.
MOVIES! movies are more important than all that other stuff!
SO I've been watching a slew of movies lately,
Some good. Some Bad. Some decidedly Star Wars. Yes, Star wars gets its own category on the scale of good and bad.
Out of the gate Star wars is clearly my favourite of the season. Watched it 3 times. Yes, it has it's problems.
But we're not here to discuss them. I feel people have discussed it enough and therefor..I won't...in this journal. Oh we are going to talk star wars. I guarantee it. just not now.
The movies I want to talk about are the stinkeroonies!
The bad ones. The ones that make you puke only slightly in your mouth and make you go "what? WHAT??"
Let me list them off.
Fantastic four(because you just have to!)
Hitman: Agent 47 (why wouldn't you?..what's wrong with you?)
Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse (this one is just sad)
San Andreas (The rock lured me in with his..non acting)
Maze Runner: the Scorch trials(WHAT?)
Now each movie has it's own article length review that I'm not going into so I'll do my 3 faves.
FF, Hitman and Scorch trials. And I'll try to keep it short
Fantastic Four:
Look, we all knew that this was going to be bad. But see in the world of bad movies we have a few categories. I'm not going to list them, but the most popular is the rebound bad movie, which is so bad it goes all the way round and becomes amazing. And then we have this movie. The car crash. A gruesome horrifying incident that you cannot turn away from. FF is an interesting movie, because even if everything worked. NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THIS CREEPY ASS-FEST! FF at their core are adventurers. Not super heroes. They don't go around saving the world..they explore undiscovered civilizations and if a threat just so happens to pop up, they deal with it. They should have more in common with Jurassic Park, thematically than Spider-man! Everything is shite! They don't even write Ben Grimm and reed as if they're friends. They don't even look like they like each other!...they don't even talk to each other, except to give exposition. BUT...you need to see it. It fails so hard..I can only recommend it to you!
Scorch Trials:
What the Jesus was this movie?
I won't lie, I'm a fan of the first movie. Not in that die hard Star Warsian way where I would cut you and your mother if you make fun of it. More in a 'I'm a fan of dingey Chinese restaurants because I like to see if I can taste the cat in my meal'.
It's more of an experiment(no I don't really do it. It's a joke..you sick bastards)
I was fan because it posed so many questions and left so many things unsaid that my curiosity was piqued. So i couldn't wait for number2(that's what this movie was a number 2 alright). They promised to answer those herpes-like burning questions. Did they? Did they answer my questions?
Allow me to cut through the mystique to its subtle answers...ahem..."FUCK YOU! There's your answer! I gots yo money, bitch! Whatcha gonna do? NOTHING, BITCH! Here have a buncha zombies and a cute hispanic chick to jerk off to!" Fuck this movie right in it's ear.
Hitman: Agent47
This. This fucking movie.
I can't help but smile when I say it's title. Because WOW.
Remember how those games were intelligent? Asking it's player to think outside the box to assassinate a target in a way that would appear most like an accident? Remember how the first movie attempted to bring that into it's world, it tried to pretend it had a brain? This movie? ho HO! This movie ..I can't be angry with it anymore..because as it's plot progresses you don't know what you're looking at anymore. Is he an assassin? Is he a super soldier? Is he fucking Neo? Is this a dream? This movie has had so much thought poured into it, it has like 5 different twists in it. And the way it delivers those twists is like when your mom finds your porn stash and yells it from the other room and you just sit there yelling back "I have a dick, I masturbate, you know" and she yells back " well now I will masturbate too!". No dramatic tension at all.
This movie isn't bad..it's so so SO FUCKING DUMB! When you get to the end you'll be laughing your ass off. Tears...tears were streaming down my face! Oh Oh how I love this stupid, brain numbing movie.
So yeah. I suggest you take a look t these movies, if you haven't yet.
Also has anyone seen the Krampus? It didn't come down here and I really wanna see it!
That's how I roll!
*ninja rabbit vanish!*
Except for the 7th one. She hated that one. i believe I've seen them all except for the 7th..but wow. It's a ..you're right.
It's a cliff and to start watching those movies is a decent into uncertainty. Because all of a sudden it's bad..then...it's good. Then it's bad..then it's good. It's this generation's Police Academy.
I am also kinda hate how the Fast and Furious movies exploit it's fan using one of their actor death, so much marketing, especially the epilogue part. It's kinda wanted to make me puke that this movie director appointed to become the next Star Trek director. :'(
Well anyway, have you seen The Man From UNCLE, I said that movie good one. Or at least better than some movies.
They tried to hearken back to the 60s but it felt really off kilter.
Not to say that it was a bad thing, it was just strange.
i am disappoint
how could you miss Arnie in all his deadpan wooden hammy glory?
It had a lot of missteps, but nothing you could really scream at or about. I mean Salvation was something worth writing about.
A movie whose very title is ironic.
Because after that abomination there was so little to salvage they had to reboot the franchise.
Hitman: Agent 47 (I'll get around to it, the trailers seemed good)
Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse (Zombies are getting passe, but why not?)
San Andreas (I saw this at home like Captain Jack Sparrow. The Rock is too big to play a submissive male, let alone one who's also an emergency rescue pilot. And for the record, no woman looking Like Carla Gugino would bear the man mountain, that is the rock only one child. She'd have given birth to a football team, if he so wished it.)
Maze Runner: the Scorch trials (MMMmmm... Nope. Nope.)
Dont bother with Maze Runner. it really insults you as a fan of the stories.
Give the other a whirl.
They are good bad flicks.
Hitman should be first of course! hehe