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BDSM rant
9 years ago
I"m so tired of this. I'm so tired of being forced into dominant roles, and taking over with people. I'm so tired of never being able to actually submit. Of never being allowed to submit myself to some one. Every time i present myself. And every time i start talking to some one. The result always seems the same. They become in Awe of the fact that *Gasp* i know what i'm fucking doing. "Oh great BDSM Guru teach me your ways! Train me to be like you!" FUCK YOU. I'm not here to train you to be my dominant. I'm not here to train you to be a better submissive, i'm not here to help you realize your full potential or what the fuck ever. I'm here to be what i am. A submissive. A servant. A slave. A pet. But every time i think i've found some one, it end the same way. I have to show them how to dominate, or they do a 180 and become my sub. This has happened over, and over, and over. I'm just so tired of it. Is there something wrong with me? Am i doing something wrong? Is it bad that when i say i'm a submissive i mean it? I'm not some slut that sits there and expect s to be acted upon. I'm proactive, i like to do things, I like to help, I like to be there for my domme and make their lives easier... BECAUSE THAT"S WHAT A SUB FUCKING DOES! But it seems like this world of BDSM has become so saturated with the worst kind of people that i never actually get the chance to do that. Oh my GOD!! i have agency HOW DARE I! or... Oh look they are being proactive that must make them SUUUPER DOMINANT!
But i'm not. I'm a Slave, have always been, and will always be a slave. I'm a submissive girl that just wants to please, so how can i say no when i know that pleasing this person... means being thier domme?
It's killing me... It's killing me and i feel like people don't understand the gravity of the things they are asking me to do. As king me to be their mistress is like asking a flower to mow the lawn. it's difficult. It's draining. Every time i'm dominant i'm left exhausted, worn out, drained, and hating myself for slipping once again into that trap.
The most amount of time i've ever been able to domme is for 6 months consistently. And that was because i was the slave of a mistress who found pleasure in watching me preform like that with other subs. But on my own... the time gets shorter ever time. A month or two, a week. A day... I can barely do it for a couple of hours now.
And still.. AND STILL it never ends. never stops, never.. ever... ever stops. I'm starting to hate my subs. I'm starting to hate my slaves, and submissive friends because they just ask SO MUCH from me. ANd ever y time i beg them. plead with this person i've been domming and teaching for two years to dominate me... Or try to get one of my friends to help me.... "I just don't feel right domming you! You're just too dominant i can't help but feel submissive"
SUCK IT THE FUCK UP! that is EVERY FUCKING MOMENT I"M WITH YOU! EVERY SINGLE SCENE, INTERACTION, MINUTE, HOUR, DAY, WEEK, YEAR! I DO IT FOR YOU! WHY CAN'T YOU PULL IT OFF FOR 2 FUCKING WEEKS! Every moment i'm a domme i feel my self being pulled in the other direction so hard there might as well be a black hole behind me.
I can't keep doing this. I can't keep destroying my self to make others happy. It's just so fucking hard. I'm a masochist but i still don't like being tortured endlessly. Please.... please jsut stop. Stop asking me to do this. It's ripping me into pieces. I just want a chance to be me. To be who i am with some one. TO be a Royal Slave, a submissive, a pet, a cherished treasure. Why is it so hard for people to understand that?
I'm a fucking ROYAL SLAVE! I'm a submissive that's SO SUBMISSIVE, the only way I dominate.. is by SUBMITTING TO THE SUBMISSIVE! How fucked up is that? And i'm the best you can find? Really? What the actual FUCK!
why can i never find a mistress? Why must i be stuck in this perpetual cycle of tutoring and dominating, and training other people to dominate only to be left in the dust? No more. I"M DONE you want this from me? You need this from me? YOU NEED TO FEEL MY DOMINANCE BEARING DOWN ON YOUR SOUL!?? then fucking PAY ME FOR THE WORK I DO! All of this has been at MY expense. All of it has been FOR FUCKING FREE. all my blood, sweat, tears, hatred, passion, love, and all of this hard, impossibly hard work i have put into this kind of shit and what do i get? Another devoted submissive that bends to my every command.. yay... DO people realize that at this point if i want someone like this i can make one, or more likely turn 20 degrees and look at one i already have?
No more. NO FUCKING MORE! I'm done, i'm tired, i'm worn out, drained, and despise you fucking people. It's time to give something back. I've given you everything. It's time you gave me at least something.
Some one told me that the reason they wanted me to dominate is because i showed a deftness that only those who love to dominate have. I haven't laughed like that in a long ... long... long time
But i do. I love it. I love being dominated. I dream about it every moment of my life. I think about it every second of my day. i hope for it, i pray for it. I know what i like. i know what i need. i know every single moment that a sub adores. That moment when you feel that tug on the leash and your heart flutters. The moment that you find that person and drop to your knees and feel... peace.. freedom.. joy.. jyubalence. It's my passion. My everything. I live for every moment that i get to share. I cherish every time... every time a dominant does that one, small, tiny thing, says that one word, makes that one movement, and ........ and... and you didn't know you even wanted that. But it happened and now you wonder how you ever lived without it. That moment that causes a shiver to run up and down your spine so profound that you start to weep. that is what i do. That is what i try to show people, and help people with . I know how wonderful those experiences can be. And i just want other people to share my passion. Maybe... Maybe if i let them have those moments. I can feel like i'm having them too.
that's not how this works. That's not how it happens... that's now what actually goes on. They have their moment, and i'm happy for them... but... never have mine. Never once had mine. And so i feel alone,with pent up with out release. And it just tears at my heart a little more every time that happens. Every time i miss that one little moment that makes me whole. .... Just once... just once... i want to have my moment... just once.
So here's my heart bared, My soul on display. My passion unrefined, raw, and no longer held back. Take it as you will.
this flood has been a long time coming. The final straw just broke my back at long last
-Varoona, the Royal Slave.
But i'm not. I'm a Slave, have always been, and will always be a slave. I'm a submissive girl that just wants to please, so how can i say no when i know that pleasing this person... means being thier domme?
It's killing me... It's killing me and i feel like people don't understand the gravity of the things they are asking me to do. As king me to be their mistress is like asking a flower to mow the lawn. it's difficult. It's draining. Every time i'm dominant i'm left exhausted, worn out, drained, and hating myself for slipping once again into that trap.
The most amount of time i've ever been able to domme is for 6 months consistently. And that was because i was the slave of a mistress who found pleasure in watching me preform like that with other subs. But on my own... the time gets shorter ever time. A month or two, a week. A day... I can barely do it for a couple of hours now.
And still.. AND STILL it never ends. never stops, never.. ever... ever stops. I'm starting to hate my subs. I'm starting to hate my slaves, and submissive friends because they just ask SO MUCH from me. ANd ever y time i beg them. plead with this person i've been domming and teaching for two years to dominate me... Or try to get one of my friends to help me.... "I just don't feel right domming you! You're just too dominant i can't help but feel submissive"
SUCK IT THE FUCK UP! that is EVERY FUCKING MOMENT I"M WITH YOU! EVERY SINGLE SCENE, INTERACTION, MINUTE, HOUR, DAY, WEEK, YEAR! I DO IT FOR YOU! WHY CAN'T YOU PULL IT OFF FOR 2 FUCKING WEEKS! Every moment i'm a domme i feel my self being pulled in the other direction so hard there might as well be a black hole behind me.
I can't keep doing this. I can't keep destroying my self to make others happy. It's just so fucking hard. I'm a masochist but i still don't like being tortured endlessly. Please.... please jsut stop. Stop asking me to do this. It's ripping me into pieces. I just want a chance to be me. To be who i am with some one. TO be a Royal Slave, a submissive, a pet, a cherished treasure. Why is it so hard for people to understand that?
I'm a fucking ROYAL SLAVE! I'm a submissive that's SO SUBMISSIVE, the only way I dominate.. is by SUBMITTING TO THE SUBMISSIVE! How fucked up is that? And i'm the best you can find? Really? What the actual FUCK!
why can i never find a mistress? Why must i be stuck in this perpetual cycle of tutoring and dominating, and training other people to dominate only to be left in the dust? No more. I"M DONE you want this from me? You need this from me? YOU NEED TO FEEL MY DOMINANCE BEARING DOWN ON YOUR SOUL!?? then fucking PAY ME FOR THE WORK I DO! All of this has been at MY expense. All of it has been FOR FUCKING FREE. all my blood, sweat, tears, hatred, passion, love, and all of this hard, impossibly hard work i have put into this kind of shit and what do i get? Another devoted submissive that bends to my every command.. yay... DO people realize that at this point if i want someone like this i can make one, or more likely turn 20 degrees and look at one i already have?
No more. NO FUCKING MORE! I'm done, i'm tired, i'm worn out, drained, and despise you fucking people. It's time to give something back. I've given you everything. It's time you gave me at least something.
Some one told me that the reason they wanted me to dominate is because i showed a deftness that only those who love to dominate have. I haven't laughed like that in a long ... long... long time
But i do. I love it. I love being dominated. I dream about it every moment of my life. I think about it every second of my day. i hope for it, i pray for it. I know what i like. i know what i need. i know every single moment that a sub adores. That moment when you feel that tug on the leash and your heart flutters. The moment that you find that person and drop to your knees and feel... peace.. freedom.. joy.. jyubalence. It's my passion. My everything. I live for every moment that i get to share. I cherish every time... every time a dominant does that one, small, tiny thing, says that one word, makes that one movement, and ........ and... and you didn't know you even wanted that. But it happened and now you wonder how you ever lived without it. That moment that causes a shiver to run up and down your spine so profound that you start to weep. that is what i do. That is what i try to show people, and help people with . I know how wonderful those experiences can be. And i just want other people to share my passion. Maybe... Maybe if i let them have those moments. I can feel like i'm having them too.
that's not how this works. That's not how it happens... that's now what actually goes on. They have their moment, and i'm happy for them... but... never have mine. Never once had mine. And so i feel alone,with pent up with out release. And it just tears at my heart a little more every time that happens. Every time i miss that one little moment that makes me whole. .... Just once... just once... i want to have my moment... just once.
So here's my heart bared, My soul on display. My passion unrefined, raw, and no longer held back. Take it as you will.
this flood has been a long time coming. The final straw just broke my back at long last
-Varoona, the Royal Slave.
... At the risk of sounding like an arrogant, mean & nasty cunt *flex*~ I'd say that, I tend to think tings a little deeper than most people around this fandom, and the various other places I go. I'm not saying I'm 'smarter' or 'better' but I do tend to get a genuine enjoyment out of deep thought, so, to whoever else who reads this, take that as you will n.n
Anyway, I've thought about this a lot. I've looked at it from as many angles as I can imagine, and I keep coming back to a few points.
1, I think there's a serious problem with the way people communicate these days. This isn't new, or unique to the fandom, society in general, or to our species lol... But, these days, it seems hyper accelerated by our modern lives and the internet/social media. We don't really *talk* much any more. We tend to communicate in bursts of concepts. Like memes being traded back and forth constantly; people don't seem to take the time to really think abut what you've said... And I know you, you say what you mean. You're good at articulating yourself; however I think that's a double edged sword because I'm betting a lot of people take the first 15% of what you say and mentally go "OH RIGHT LIKE THIS AND THAT GOT IT!" <- Being an ADHD sufferer, I totally do this constantly; I've trained my self hard to \fully listen\ to people.
2, Given above, I think it's safe to say that when people do see that you have confidence/self respect/self preservation/preferences... (Because minor tangent time: I think people tend to package so many tropes together that the term 'submissive' has become 'a total slut that likes humiliation and objectification, they want to be fuckmeat' ~ While fuckmeat indeed exists, that's a specialized kind of play... not the norm) ~ Because you have self-respect and the such, I think that it either worries them (for many reasons which go beyond the scope of the topic), or it offends them. The offended ones, I can only reply to with: "quit being a misogynistic douche, you fuck, girls are allowed to have self respect :)"
But for those who get worried? It may be that they're worried about "doing it good enough"... May I ask, do you spend much time getting to know these doms? I find that when I'm taking a domineering role, I too get extremely uncomfortable just picking up the leash and telling somebody to do something. I watch them, I get a handle for what they like, how their personality is, and if I can even see my self being around them let alone dominating them.
In short (too late) I think that people these days take your words and apply their internal concept to them, only to get surprised when you're not acting the way they think you should be. (This is no fault of yours, just to reaffirm.)
3, This makes me extremely uncomfortable to say, because it implies that I'm some great visionary, artist, writer and all that jazz... NOPE! I make B-grade shlock, and I'm okay with that.
However.
As a creative minded person, I've come to realize that um... It's more rare than I thought. I guess I have a natural talent for it; as to where other people just don't. Maybe part of your problems are that people just run out of ideas then get worried that you're going to reject them because they're "boring"?
Anyway, I realize this says rant, not discussion. But I wanted you to know that at least somebody read this. I see you have 0 replies to it... that's kind of a shame.