Okay so for the past few months things have fucking sucked absolute balls, and that's putting it nicely.
After all the pathetic shitty drama with Tynefurs I decided that was it, I didn't want to be too involved with the fandom anymore. So I stopped talking to people who I thought were friends, I've cut myself off from having anything to do with Tynefurs and because they're that pathetic they decided to ban me from the meets which is cool because the venue is damp and smells like stale piss and sweaty unwashed people so I'd rather not waste 5-6 hours of my day sat by myself in a corner with my partner.

I thought getting a job was great and would bring me positivity but of course I'm wrong, I'm in a job role that involves cold calling and selling and it's not for me, I don't fit in, I'm not making any extra bonus and my boss keeps pushing and pressuring me to be someone I'm not so my depression is taking a turn for the worst due to lack of sleep, much stress and pressure I've went back to my self harming habit which I hate myself so much for doing it because I've broke a promise to myself and my partner.
I have zero energy and interest in work, socialising and most importantly life, I really think I'd be better off dead.

So I'm at risk of losing my job, I'm going back to counselling because if I don't get any therapy or help I'm afraid that I'll go totally insane and end up dead. I try to keep myself to myself now a days because I can't fucking trust anyone anymore.

If you think this is morbid then whatever, just don't give me shit for getting things off my mind.
As for my very few legit friends in this fandom I love you all, you're all awesome and I'll see you at cfz/big city meets throughout the year!

For my partner, how you've put up with me for just over two years is an actual miracle, you haven't gave up on me and you have proven that you never will, I'm sorry if I upset you sometimes, you know how low I am at the moment but I appreciate everything you do for me and I love you so much <3