I should probably say something here so that anyone that needs to see it can. I've been a bit emotional the last few days, I'm not really sure just what is causing it but I have a couple of ideas.

The last couple weeks I've made some good friends. It might be surprising but I don't really have all that many that I consider close friends and so every time I meet someone that I really connect with it really makes a difference to me. I've recently made some friends that really resonate with me, that I feel so close to that they already feel like a part of my family.

Family...it's such an odd concept for me. I don't have very much of a connection with those biologically related to me and sadly I've little desire to have children even if it was a possibility. Yet I desire a family more than anything else I can think of. A place where I'm safe to be myself no matter what the consequences are. A place where I know those around me care for me even if they don't understand me. A place where I can belong, to me that's a treasure beyond compare.

It doesn't help that I'm polyamorous. My heart just never seems to close, no matter how much I might love those in my life. It's not that I'm not satisfied with those I love, it's just that I keep finding those worthy of love. Yet nearly everyone I meet is happy in their relationship. I don't want to hurt my friends but I'm always afraid that I will. I fall for those that are kind of me, for those that show me a little of the tenderness I seem to crave so much. I try everything I can to resist my urges, to stay within the bounds I need to stay within. But I'm always afraid of asking too much, I've done it before and cost myself some of the best friends I can imagine.

Another problem for me is that I identify as lesbian yet I don't really feel others see me that way. I've no attraction to most guys although there are a few I consider great friends I know that's all I will ever be. I've tried to force myself to be bisexual but it's not me, it's never been me (With one exception, someone that will hopefully be moving in during the next month or two). But for anything serious I've only found guys interested in me and the occasional non-binary individual. While I've found love there, it leaves a big hole in my heart. To identify as lesbian and yet have so little external validation at one of my core identities, it hurts. I know I don't look great but when I feel like I'm that ugly it's no wonder my self esteem is low.

I try to hide that pain, to keep it bottled up but occasionally I find I can't do it. I don't really know what I want sometimes. I think I want to have a family that I can share every little bit of love I have with without any fear of crossing boundaries that are not mine to cross; to have no shame in showing those I love just how much they mean to me. To never have to be ashamed of being myself and showing my heart.

If only I knew how to stop myself from falling for those that already have their happily ever after maybe I wouldn't feel so guilty for falling in love with them when I do. I just can't seem to help myself, so many of those that have let me into their lives are worthy of being loved and I want to share as much as I can with them.

Comments are disabled to keep any responses private to notes or skype. This is not really directed at anyone, I don't regret loving anyone that I care about, I just wish it didn't always have to hurt me so much.