It has been a long time since i have typed out a journal, but i need this story to be told

About 7 months ago life was changing yet again for me, i had flown down to new south whales to collect the newest car that i will probably own in my life time, i attended a meet in canberra and had an amazing time, met new friends, explored the area with my new wheels, on the way home i stopped by to see my pregnant sister as i promised i would, then stopped by some close friends who had bought a amazing house which made me quite jelous lol

they asked if i wanted to stay the night but i had to decline as i had a long drive back to queensland, so we sat down and had pizza for dinner, so i was checking my facebook and i noticed a friend request, now normally i wont let many randoms through, however this name caught my eye 'Nicole Southey', i knew this last name so curiosity made me accept, as i look on her page i see her post that her brother 'ryan southey' (Aka Milofox08) had died in a car crash, i quickly clicked the link to read the article, what i read broke my heart {http://theflashtoday.com/2015/07/25/two-dead-after-overnight-crash-near-high-school/}

i was numb after reading it, i didnt process it, i knew he was gone but i think knowing i had a long drive ahead is what made me lock it away

so after i left my friends house i hit the road heading home, i made a few stops, parked my car at a resting area, had a good cry but didnt grieve properly, later that night i stopped in a quiet dark street, rearranged the back of my car and slept in the back that night, i woke up the next morning finding out what a view i had to start the day, i had parked next to a large field / property and the sight was amazing i wish i took a picture

so i arrived home so many hours later, reconnected with a fur who left the fandom and we spoke of what happened, i asked him for a large favor, he planned to go to his funeral, as i couldnt afford a plane ticket i asked him to deliver 1 red rose on my behalf as well as a short eulogy on how he impacted my life, this friend met with ryans sister and my eulogy was read at his funeral

but i still didnt grieve properly as life had been throwing alot at me, so i needed to focus on that

the following monday i started my new full time job and just kept everything bottled up, during some hard days at work i got stressed out by so many things that i had thought of hurting myself and possibly taking my life

but i had alot of support to shake off these thoughts, things have gotten better in the later months





Now onto the dream that i had

Firstly i need to explain what i do, i work in a optics factory in the stock room, selecting the lens needed for prescription glasses, its nothing fancy

so the dream starts with me selecting a brown polarized lens, scanning it into the system and taking it to the machine where we tape the top of this lens to protect it during the process of cutting, polishing and shaping it to fit in frames

while i was unboxing these raw lens i noticed red text run across it, saying ITS ME

after looking around to see where it was coming from i was shocked to see it was being displayed through this raw lens, as crazy as it sounds i asked what do you mean its me?

the text appeared again saying Its Me Ryan Southey

in shock i started asking all these questions like 'How are you there? you died!' and questioning how this was even possible

he didnt know

after telling him how much i miss him and wanting him back with us he said 3 things that shocked me to my core both in my sleep and when i woke up

he said

22

40

Vancouver

now two of these i understand, one is sort of a mystery, 40 is how old ill be as im hoping to move to Vancouver later in life, this is just an idea at the moment and 22 made more sense by what he said next

the last thing he said was 'This Time You Can Save Me'

then i woke up in tears gripping and screaming into my pillow

i think 22 was going to be his age when he returned to this world in possibly the shape of a new person or lover im not sure

i have had alot of episodes where i break down in tears thinking about him


he has changed my life in so many ways dispite us never meeting but we have been talking since our teens, he showed me this fandom, told me about getting out there and seeing the world, fursuiting to bring joy to others, telling me to get my shit together and get a job so i can pay for all these things, he always will be my first love and im so honored to have been apart of his life as well

i still cry, the pain builds up in my chest, i feel like biting on something or punching something to vent

im glad i have so many memories of our conversations and the art work he finished a few weeks before it all happened

i wanted to share this for you all, if you have read this Thank you


To all my friends currently in my life, i want to thank you as well for being apart of my life, i wouldnt be here without you all