FA+
Shop
Wolfespada Rider review - Kamen Rider: The Next
9 years ago
Good day.
Well, people.... I've finally broken a vow I've held for over a decade now. I said to myself I'd never watch a horror flick again, save for the exceptions, but I decided to to it to at least put up a decent, non-biased review... *record scratches* Oh, I'm sorry, did I say horror movie.. *laughs* Oh, I'm sorry. I'm confusing this with a story THAT'S SUPPOSE TO BE A GOD DAMN KAMEN RIDER MOVIE!!! :yell:
*siiiiiigh* Hooooo boy, people. I was NOT looking forward to review this one, ever since I first started doing these reviews, and ever since I reviewed 'The First', I was even less excited cuz I knew I was gonna do it eventually. But I figured I get this off my chest before getting the Star Wars reviews, so here it is.
And you guessed... this was written by Toshiki Inoue. Expect some yelling.
You'd think when you're watching a Kamen Rider film, you're not expecting something that would be in 'The Grudge.' I'm gonna save y'all most of the dumb-ass details about this movie, because SO VERY LITTLE happens in this 'follow-up', and I use the term loosely. In case you haven't read The First review http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7210576/
OK, this movie takes place 2 years after the evens of 'The First.' Our 'protagonist,' using that term loosely too, Takeshi Hongo/Kamen Rider Ichigo is a high school teacher in a class full of pretty bad delinquents. Now some of y'all are probably wondering... where is Asuka? Y'know.... that dumb reporter broad that Hongo risked life and limb to save? The gal that kept getting knocked out EVERY DAME TIME, and was driving force of these characters throughout the bloody thing that was an exucse to make piss-poor drama?!?! No idea! You heard it, folks. There's NO sign of her throughout this film, not even mentioned once.
*sighs* Inoue, now I know you have a definite problem when it comes to women. Was putting Asuka in the first movie done by editorial mandate? Did that make you hate Asuka so much you wrote all these unintentionally hilarious things to happen to her. This feels just like with Mari from Kamen Rider Faiz, the dullest character ever, and it felt like you hated writing her character.
So, the story goes that there's a string of bizarre, gruesome murders. The connection to the victims is that they were all listening to 'Platinum Smile' by a famous pop idol named Chiharu. Long story short, Chiharu's the younger sister of a Kamen Rider from Shocker by the name of an enterprise president Shiro Kazami, a.k.a. Kamen Rider Version 3 (or V3). The entire building was flooded with nanomachines that infected a whole bunch of people, killing them, but Shiro and Chiharu survived, their bodies accepting the nanomachines and have been turned into cyborgs. Later that night after a concert, 2 broads jealous of Chiharu decided to push her down stairs and her face hits a circuit box, horribly disfiguring her face. Chiharu jumps and commits suicide, the manager cosmetically alters one of the two's faces to look like her to keep business going and cover up her death. Yadda yadda yadda, it had so little to do with anything, it's really not worth mentioning.
But Chiharu's new cyborg body escapes down in the sewers and is mutated due to the side affects, murdering everyone. That's what got the plot going with Chiharu's high school friend, Kotomi. Turns out it's all a plot from Shocker.
Hongo, why didn't you take care of Shocker all around the world instead of being a teacher!?!? :yell:
Blah, they find out Chiharu's not Chiharu, find out what happened. Hayato Ichimonji joins in the fray. You remember him, right? That complete asshole who was trying take Asuka for himself, and was made to look like her killed fiance (for whatever reason). He's Kamen Rider Nigo. After 2 years, he's slowly dying from not doing blood transfusions for his cybernetics, and owns a club.
Moving, V3 was charged to kill the two Riders, all learning Chiharu's alive, V3 decided to join them and the latest Shocker threat that involved those aforementioned nanomachines. They were gonna spread them across Japan.
If it seems like I'm rushing through this, it's because that's basically what happens. V3 finally kills Chiharu and he goes off to parts unknown. Ichimonji finally succumbs to massive blood loss and dies while chilling out with a group of gorgeous gals. Man, I feel sorry the poor janitor who'll have to clean that up. And Hongo is fired from his job, just after getting his students finally under control that was earlier in the film, which was moronic on multiple levels. Well he did kinda blow his identity, stopping a car with students attempting to take Kotomi and ripping the front wheel off a bike whilst the rider was trying to get him. Oh, who the hell cares, Kotomi is now a supposed love interest for Hongo now. Yaaaaaaaay!
Da end!
On the very, veeeeeeeeeeeeery slime chance that Toei happens to read this, I have one thing to say.... PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF THE GOD OF TOKUSATSU, PLEASE STOP HIRING INOUE AS A WRITER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You were charged to write a KAMEN RIDER STORY! If you want to do horror, or love triangles, THEN WRITE YOUR OWN STORY!!!!
This movie tries to play off as a horror flick when it's suppose to be a follow-up to a reboot of a very classic series. The plot is just thrown together, and expects the audience to be stupid enough to buy into the idiotic plot conveniences throughout. I don't mind when coincidences happen for a movie, but my God, it's done so half-assed here. Everything felt so out of place, and things happen right the hell outta nowhere, like when the Chiharu look alike dies, there's a hologram of her face telling out heroes she ain't Chiharu. WHAT?!?!?!
And speaking of things coming right outta nowhere, apparently the 'Ghost of Chiharu' is back and still a-killin', taking out some random dude who was playing a pachinko game... a Kamen Rider pachinko game that had footage from the 70s series.... why????????????
This movie should've been called 'The Last'... CUZ JESUS CHRIST, THIS MOVIE SUCKS!!!!!!!
Man, I thought The First gonna be a retelling all the Showa Riders from Ichigo to ZX, going to get modernized. The look of the suits were the only saving graces. I dug the Shocker Riders in the film http://kamenrider.wikia.com/wiki/Sh.....s_%28reboot%29, and Chainsaw Lizard: http://kamenrider.wikia.com/wiki/Ch.....d_%28reboot%29 Like 'The First' the fights were the only beating heart in this thing. And the song 'Chosen Soldier' is very cool. ^^
I said this before, and I'll say it again, I'll sooner watch Shin Kamen Rider then ever watch 'The First' or 'The Next' again, now if you don't mind...
*chucks both 'The First' and 'The Next' in the air, then jumps up into a flip!*
RIDER KICK!!!!!
*My kick obliterates both movies! I land down to strike a pose.*
Till next time live the dream and draw it, then make it HENSHIN!
Thanks for your time.
Well, people.... I've finally broken a vow I've held for over a decade now. I said to myself I'd never watch a horror flick again, save for the exceptions, but I decided to to it to at least put up a decent, non-biased review... *record scratches* Oh, I'm sorry, did I say horror movie.. *laughs* Oh, I'm sorry. I'm confusing this with a story THAT'S SUPPOSE TO BE A GOD DAMN KAMEN RIDER MOVIE!!! :yell:
*siiiiiigh* Hooooo boy, people. I was NOT looking forward to review this one, ever since I first started doing these reviews, and ever since I reviewed 'The First', I was even less excited cuz I knew I was gonna do it eventually. But I figured I get this off my chest before getting the Star Wars reviews, so here it is.
And you guessed... this was written by Toshiki Inoue. Expect some yelling.
You'd think when you're watching a Kamen Rider film, you're not expecting something that would be in 'The Grudge.' I'm gonna save y'all most of the dumb-ass details about this movie, because SO VERY LITTLE happens in this 'follow-up', and I use the term loosely. In case you haven't read The First review http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7210576/
OK, this movie takes place 2 years after the evens of 'The First.' Our 'protagonist,' using that term loosely too, Takeshi Hongo/Kamen Rider Ichigo is a high school teacher in a class full of pretty bad delinquents. Now some of y'all are probably wondering... where is Asuka? Y'know.... that dumb reporter broad that Hongo risked life and limb to save? The gal that kept getting knocked out EVERY DAME TIME, and was driving force of these characters throughout the bloody thing that was an exucse to make piss-poor drama?!?! No idea! You heard it, folks. There's NO sign of her throughout this film, not even mentioned once.
*sighs* Inoue, now I know you have a definite problem when it comes to women. Was putting Asuka in the first movie done by editorial mandate? Did that make you hate Asuka so much you wrote all these unintentionally hilarious things to happen to her. This feels just like with Mari from Kamen Rider Faiz, the dullest character ever, and it felt like you hated writing her character.
So, the story goes that there's a string of bizarre, gruesome murders. The connection to the victims is that they were all listening to 'Platinum Smile' by a famous pop idol named Chiharu. Long story short, Chiharu's the younger sister of a Kamen Rider from Shocker by the name of an enterprise president Shiro Kazami, a.k.a. Kamen Rider Version 3 (or V3). The entire building was flooded with nanomachines that infected a whole bunch of people, killing them, but Shiro and Chiharu survived, their bodies accepting the nanomachines and have been turned into cyborgs. Later that night after a concert, 2 broads jealous of Chiharu decided to push her down stairs and her face hits a circuit box, horribly disfiguring her face. Chiharu jumps and commits suicide, the manager cosmetically alters one of the two's faces to look like her to keep business going and cover up her death. Yadda yadda yadda, it had so little to do with anything, it's really not worth mentioning.
But Chiharu's new cyborg body escapes down in the sewers and is mutated due to the side affects, murdering everyone. That's what got the plot going with Chiharu's high school friend, Kotomi. Turns out it's all a plot from Shocker.
Hongo, why didn't you take care of Shocker all around the world instead of being a teacher!?!? :yell:
Blah, they find out Chiharu's not Chiharu, find out what happened. Hayato Ichimonji joins in the fray. You remember him, right? That complete asshole who was trying take Asuka for himself, and was made to look like her killed fiance (for whatever reason). He's Kamen Rider Nigo. After 2 years, he's slowly dying from not doing blood transfusions for his cybernetics, and owns a club.
Moving, V3 was charged to kill the two Riders, all learning Chiharu's alive, V3 decided to join them and the latest Shocker threat that involved those aforementioned nanomachines. They were gonna spread them across Japan.
If it seems like I'm rushing through this, it's because that's basically what happens. V3 finally kills Chiharu and he goes off to parts unknown. Ichimonji finally succumbs to massive blood loss and dies while chilling out with a group of gorgeous gals. Man, I feel sorry the poor janitor who'll have to clean that up. And Hongo is fired from his job, just after getting his students finally under control that was earlier in the film, which was moronic on multiple levels. Well he did kinda blow his identity, stopping a car with students attempting to take Kotomi and ripping the front wheel off a bike whilst the rider was trying to get him. Oh, who the hell cares, Kotomi is now a supposed love interest for Hongo now. Yaaaaaaaay!
Da end!
On the very, veeeeeeeeeeeeery slime chance that Toei happens to read this, I have one thing to say.... PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF THE GOD OF TOKUSATSU, PLEASE STOP HIRING INOUE AS A WRITER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You were charged to write a KAMEN RIDER STORY! If you want to do horror, or love triangles, THEN WRITE YOUR OWN STORY!!!!
This movie tries to play off as a horror flick when it's suppose to be a follow-up to a reboot of a very classic series. The plot is just thrown together, and expects the audience to be stupid enough to buy into the idiotic plot conveniences throughout. I don't mind when coincidences happen for a movie, but my God, it's done so half-assed here. Everything felt so out of place, and things happen right the hell outta nowhere, like when the Chiharu look alike dies, there's a hologram of her face telling out heroes she ain't Chiharu. WHAT?!?!?!
And speaking of things coming right outta nowhere, apparently the 'Ghost of Chiharu' is back and still a-killin', taking out some random dude who was playing a pachinko game... a Kamen Rider pachinko game that had footage from the 70s series.... why????????????
This movie should've been called 'The Last'... CUZ JESUS CHRIST, THIS MOVIE SUCKS!!!!!!!
Man, I thought The First gonna be a retelling all the Showa Riders from Ichigo to ZX, going to get modernized. The look of the suits were the only saving graces. I dug the Shocker Riders in the film http://kamenrider.wikia.com/wiki/Sh.....s_%28reboot%29, and Chainsaw Lizard: http://kamenrider.wikia.com/wiki/Ch.....d_%28reboot%29 Like 'The First' the fights were the only beating heart in this thing. And the song 'Chosen Soldier' is very cool. ^^
I said this before, and I'll say it again, I'll sooner watch Shin Kamen Rider then ever watch 'The First' or 'The Next' again, now if you don't mind...
*chucks both 'The First' and 'The Next' in the air, then jumps up into a flip!*
RIDER KICK!!!!!
*My kick obliterates both movies! I land down to strike a pose.*
Till next time live the dream and draw it, then make it HENSHIN!
Thanks for your time.
