FA+
Shop
Wolfespada Star Wars Reviews - Attack of the Clones
9 years ago
Welcome to my review of Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones (AOTC)
I’ve mentioned before I liked the prequels as a kid but I didn’t know any better, but I always had a feeling in the back on my mind that something was REEEEEEEEEEALY off about them, but couldn’t explain why, all I knew was I was more excited to watch the original trilogy more than watching all 6 on DVD in annual marathons we had back in the day.
And had that same feeling again after watching AOTC. I was 15 when it came out, my Mom picked me up from school and we both went to go see it. And lemme tell ya something, I was SUPER excited to see this on opening day. From watching the trailers, it had promising things; first Stormtroopers, someone who looks like Boba Fett, and more Anakin Skywalker.
And I think I speak for everybody, we all KNEW it was gonna be better than TPM when we all first saw it, right? *Sighs* NOPE! In fact, it was EVEN WORSE than TPM! AOTC to me, is not only the worst of the prequel trilogy, but just the worst Star Wars movie, period. Along with Episode 3, there are just so many factors that really make this thing a colossal failure. Like with TPM, I’m gonna list the pros, cons and the ‘What Should Have Happened’ (WSHH). And expect some yelling in this review.
Con: Several systems are leaving the Republic, and rallying with Count Dooku apparently, calling themselves the ‘Separatists’. With the way we saw how the Republic functioned back in TPM, I can’t blame them leaving. They talk like it could come to war. A war over what? The Separatists are just trying to leave. What a war is gonna brew for them trying to be an independent nation? This isn’t like the American Revolution and the Declaration of Independence, the Separatists aren’t confined to any land or a continent. The galaxy’s pretty vast, why not just go far far away (hee hee hee ^^) to another planet. It’s just how it’s set up here at the beginning, but it gets nuttier.
Con: 10 years have passed since TPM, and our characters act like nothing happened during that Naboo fiasco. More Jedi had come with Obi-Wan and Gui-Gon, they woulda caught Maul and got more info. Everyone’s said this, but hell, the entire prequel trilogy coulda started here at AOTC, TPM was apparently THAT forgettable.
Con: Anakin’s been training with Obi-Wan as his apprentice, and right away we see that he’s just an asshole. I’ll get to that later, along with the dynamic between him and Obi-Wan.
Con: An assassination attempt happened with Padme, now a senator, and afterwards she goes into a building… that has windows. A place where any assassin can see you. Speaking of seeing, Padme’s new captain has an eye patch. NOBODY WITH NO DEPTH PERCEPTION SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO GUARD ANYBODY. Anakin and Obi-Wan are assigned to protect Padme.
Con: We learn that Anakin is having nightmares of his mother dying. Yeah, I kept waiting for an explanation why the Jedi didn’t save Anakin’s mom after the events of TPM, or better FREE THE “SLAVES” ON TATTOOINE! Why didn’t the Jedi help anyone there? What were they afraid of, a war with Jabba the Hutt?! He’s a gangster not a warlord. And what else were the Jedi worried about, Anakin’s attachment to his mother if they did free her?! Uuuuughhh~ I’ll talk about the Jedi at the end.
Pro: Jango Fett. That’s the second time in these prequels where I like the bad guys more than out “heroes”.
Con: Jango hiring an assassin instead of doing the job himself. Why did he hire this disposable baddie? That assassin, Zam, is the one who tried to kill Padme, on the decoy died.
Con: Using a droid to cut a hole through the window of a room where Padme’s sleeping, and set out poisonous centipede-like things to kill her, instead of…. y’know… SHOOT HER! Again, in a room with a window where an assassin can see her. Nice protecting, ‘Jedi’. In fact, Zam, why the heck didn’t you just use that damn gun of yours?! You caused that ship in the beginning to blow up real good. The point was, Anakin was using her as bait to draw Zam out, but she turns off the security cams for privacy. IS PRIVACY MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR LIFE, LADY?!?! Hell, even R2 was utterly useless, didn’t detect anything by the window!
Pro: Zam’s airspeeder is pretty sweet ^^
Con: That chase throughout Courisant. Yeah, after saving Padme chopping up the centipede-thingies, we see Obi-wan jumping out the window and ride on that droid that sent out those things.
WSHH: It shoulda been the reversal, where Anakin jumped out and rode that droid, and Obi-wan followed in the car, instead of what was shown in the film. It fits in with Anakin’s personality, since in the film he jumps out the car, falling on top of that assassin’s car. (Guess he trusted the force on where the precise trajectory of that car was, I don’t know. Or even know that it WAS the right car)
Con: The chase ends at a random bar. They say that Zam’s a changeling. (Boy, what would give for Queen Chrysalis right now!) They go in, and Zam didn’t even use the opportunity to get the hell away, instead of sticking around and trying to shoot the Jedi in the back. That got her hand cut off.
Before I go on, morons STILL bitch that Force Awakens is nothing but a rehash of New Hope, defending the prequels as being ‘original’, and saying: “Lucas would NEVER repeat himself in his movies.” LOOK AT THAT BAR SCENE, LOOK AT THE ASTEROID FIGHT LATER ON, THEN LOOK AT SIMILAR SCENES FROM NEW HOPE AND EMPIRE, THEN COME BACK TO ME WITH SOMETHING INTELLEGENT, PLEASE.
Con: So yeah, Zam gets killed when Jango gets her with a toxic dart and flies off with his rocket pack. Uuuuuh, guuuuuuyys… why don’t you chase him?! A rocket won’t get him that much distance. Go after him with that car! Or, Jango, ya coulda killed Padme while the Jedi were chasing Zam! The ol’ bait and switch! God! Every friggin’ character is a moron!
By the way, a bounty hunter and an assassin are to different things!
Con: So Padme is gonna return to Naboo, Anakin is given the task to ‘protect’ her. Jedi, you’ve been weary of Anakin ever since you saw him, why did you give him this assignment? This all leads to the one of the the most forced romances in cinema history. I’ll explain more later about that. And this all lead to the infamous ‘I don’t like sand’ line.
Con: How the hell come no other assassin followed Padme home and tried to kill her there?!
Con: Obi-Wan’s trying to figure out where that dart came from, that just leads him to meandering around even AFTER he got the location of where the dart came from. From Kamino! I repeat, they learn that the location of Kamino was deleted from the archive memory after Obi-Wan got the coordinates to the place.
Obi-Wan does see Kamino, and learn that a Clone Army is being made for the Republic, that was completely unknown to them. The order was placed 10 years ago by a fallen Jedi, and that Jango was the original host for them all. One clone is the young Boba Fett. Uuuuuuuugh! So yeah, this is all part of Palpatine’s great plan for domination, we all know that. Guess he knew all that was gonna happen since he also apparently saw Anakin falling in love with Padme, and all the crap that happens in the next movie. Yep, you planed everything, Palpy.
So after another nightmare, Anakin and Padme go to Tattooine, find out the mother was freed and married a moisture farmer to try and set up Uncle Own and Aunt Beru for ANH. Like I said in TPM review, Padme shoulda been from that farm and be a sister to Owen. It just makes more sense.
WSHH: Anakin…. Why the hell didn’t you what you promised your mother you would do YEARS AGO!?! Anakin, nor any Jedi, went to go help the poor people suffering, apparently, on Tattooine. These Jedi are utterly USELESS!!!
Obi-wan’s ‘investigation’ leads to a fight with Jango, and them in a dogfight in that asteroid field. But it’s just so uninteresting. And blah blah blah, Anakin finds his mother, she dies, and he goes nuts killing sand people left and right, and not just the men, but women, and the children too.
Now yes, the sand people took his mom were bad. I firmly believe killing a murderer is NOT the way to go to exact justice, no matter how savage the sand people are. And I don’t care how primitive they are, GENOCIDE IS GENOCIDE! Now, I could be hypocritical in this, since I watch Sentai and Rider shows where they do kill the baddies, but those are entirely different circumstances, and it’s protecting the world. And I’m fine with that, sometimes an enemy goes too far and there’s no redemption. But this ain’t a philosophical journal, and I ain’t a philosopher. We’re talking about a whiny, petulant, arrogant asshole, whom we’ve hated since he showed up in the film exacting revenge out on people that did absolutely nothing wrong. That same thing is why I hate Sasuke, he wanted to take out his revenge on an entire village that did absolutely nothing to him.
So anyway, Obi-wan’s chase leads to Geonosis where the Separatists are making a Droid army, to apparently make demands with the Republic.
Con: Separatists… you couldn’t leave well enough alone? And what demands did you have? There is no answer! Again, y’all coulda gone out far in the galaxy away from the Republic.
Con: Obi-wan’s message gets out and Padme, this time, takes Anakin to help him. Then there’s that robot assembly factory scene…. God it was like a video game. In fact, a Lego spoof made fun of that entire scene, as well as the entire prequel trilogy. Guess Disney knew what crap the prequels were.
Con: Oh yeah, C3PO went with them… for no reason other than fan service. Yeah, he was working on the Lars’ farm, with new coverings when Anakin and Padme came, and knew who he was. Yesh, 3PO was working, then leaves, from the exact same damn farm where Luke will be taken there to be raised, where R2 and 3PO will be sold to Uncle Owen by the Jawas a couple decades later. The. Exact. Same. FARM! New gold coverings, yeah, but c’mon Owen, you couldn’t tell who 3PO was just by his voice?! When Owen’s dad married Anakin’s mom, she took 3PO apparently shortly after Anakin left. Owen’s been around 3PO for who knows how long, knowing the way he acts, and didn’t recognize the inflections later down the line. Queue my dad, who defends the prequels to high hell, saying: “Well Owen didn’t have the Force with him, son.” THAT IS A PISS-POOR COP OUT AND YOU KNOW IT! I’m calling it what it is… horrible writing from the creator of Star Wars who was lazy enough to NOT LOOK BACK ON THE ORIGINAL TRILOGY TO PROPERLY WRITE THESE DAMN MOVIES! BTW, 3PO’s head gets knocked off during that assembly line scene. THE PREQUELS ARE ORIGINAL MY ASS!
Con: Eventually all our heroes are caught, and Dooku visits Obi-wan. Dooku practically tells him that Palpatine’s a Sith Lord running the Republic, not telling him it’s Palpatine, but c;mon he can’t put two and two together? And it just goes over Obi-wan’s head. Y’know, I think TOO much meditation isn’t THAT healthy. And this was before the war even began. The Jedi coulda stopped ALL this from happening if Obi-wan were smarter and figured it out right there.
Con: It’s becoming a crisis with the Rebuplic, and Jar Jar, a senator as well, is obviously guilt-tripped into his speech to promote emergency powers to Palpatine… an act that completely circumvents themselves, basically. *Sighs* Palpatine’s been the only saving grace of these prequels, with exceptions. If he hadn’t taken over the Republic, they would’ve destroyed themselves from their own stupidity. Then again, Palpy’s working the Republic AND the Separatists in his great ‘master plan.’ So he was probably counting on them being idiots.
Pro: The arena scene, probably the only scene where I felt tension, cuz they never had their lightsabers.
Now, there are deleted scenes of the movie. Some we see of Padme’s family on Naboo. It seems like they go nowhere, but it made Padme and Anakin’s relationship seemed less forced. Another one is a trial scene where the Geonosian leader sentences them to death in that arena scene. And that sentence for them makes sense when you think about it… they were charged with trespassing and espionage. Which they were kinda doing. As much as I hate to say this, guys… the Jedi when they came in and started fighting… pretty much were the ones who started the war. And especially when Yoda came down with the Clone Army.
Con: Wait! You mean to tell me, Jedi, you’re just going along with this? This army was made mysteriously without your knowledge, and you’re just going along with it. You guys don’t even follow up an investigation with this immediately.
Pro: The Clone Troopers were the only character I truly liked. Several clones get their own character and background in the Clone Wars Series and ‘Star Wars Rebels’. They had the looks, the tools, the ships. They rocked. Too bad they all turn into bad guys later down the road. Though some reject. Captain Rex, YOU ROCK!
So the war’s officially started and Jango gets his head cut off, thus setting the stage for young Boba.
Con: the final conflict is with Dooku vs Anakin and Obi-wan, and the fight here is just boring. It’s overly choreographed and of course, Anakin loses his right arm.
Con: Yoda shows up, fights Dooku with the force, then with lightsabers. Now Plinket in his review goes on about Yoda is powerfully spiritually, but can’t physically match up with opponents. Me personally, I’m not gonna delve into that, cuz a small opponent could match a bigger opponent. No bash Yoda fighting cuz of how ridiculous and utterly hilarious it’s done with him flipping off everything.
Dooku gets away, tell Palpatine/Darth Sidious everything’s going just as planned, begun the Clone War has, and the Jedi basically doomed the Republic with all the sleeper agents they allowed in. They completely forget about Padme’s assassin attempt, the mysterious creation of the Clone Army, and Anakin and Padme get married. They…. Got… MARRIED.
Da end!
THIS MOVIE SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m sorry, but this movie is just terrible
Oh yeah, we found out the client ordering Padme’s assassination is Nute Gunray, the trade viceroy from TPM. Why, dude? You brought this on yourself by siding your whole damn organization with Sidious. And hell, you’re going along with Sidious again with this whole thing with the Separatists. What are you getting out of all this?!
Lucas completely ruined Boba’s mysterious facade in this movie. Now I hear Boba’s really good in the Clone Wars series, but why couldn’t he have been just an apprentice to Jango?
Every single Jedi is either useless or flat out stupid. Obi-wan’s the main character, but he had NOTHING about to make us relate to him, or wanna root for him. You guys suck at your jobs being the guardians of peace and justice, you just flat-out ignored all the people that needed your help on Tattooine, all you settled were tax and border crap. The Jedi are guardians of peace and justice, not soldiers. You’re basically cops. And I say this again, were you guys fighting pirate guilds or something before? Otherwise, what good is it with a bigass temple you got housing hundreds, if not thousands, of Jedi?
We see kids in Jedi training… with lightsabers!!!!!! Look at the scene, all the kids are holding their lightsabers so awkwardly. Hell they used the training method Obi-wan had Luke do in ANH. They couldn’t make up really cool Padawan teachings? The prequels are original, my ass! On that note, I thought making the lightsaber was a rite of passage to adulthood.
Speaking off the kids, and this has been a rant I’ve been saving up for years now… this movie basically makes it clear, and I had to look up info outside the movie too, that parents don’t love their kids. If a baby is born with Force-sensitive powers, they’re given to be raised by the Jedi. Babies are taken away from their parents to be raised a cult-like, restrictive environment where they don’t learn/not allowed to express their feelings or even HEALTHY ways to express them. I’m sorry, but this is just stupid and wrong! No damn wonder people HATE the Jedi in the movies, they’re baby-snatchers!
Jeez, I feel bad for the parents who found out their Jedi kid was branded a traitor then killed. “You think giving our special baby to the Jedi was a bad decision, honey?”
Yeah yeah, it’s based on the Buddhists teachings of rejection of attachments. Then why are they allowed to have friends?! You dumbass Jedi contradict yourselves by forming friendships, another form of attachments! Attachments are NOT LIMITED to romance and crap! This dumbass idea of the Jedi, sworn protectors of the republic and the entirety of the galaxy in general, not being allowed to form positive attachments towards the people they're protecting is really stupid. You'd think falling to the dark side would be much easier if they have no personal stakes in actually being good for the sake of their loved ones. Heck, Luke's love for his father was what REDEEMED FREAKIN' DARTH VADER! Hell, for those who know me, you’d probably think I’m better suited in being a Sith Lord than a Jedi, for I’m angry of how short-sided, hypocritical and moronic these ‘guardians’ are.
Also, this movie teaches us that love and anger will lead you to being evil. We see Obi-wan get mad and through out sarcastic quips. No… just no. Lucas, you DO NOT know jack crap! Yeah, anger and passion can cloud minds…. BUT THEY CAN ALSO FOCUS THE MIND! You all know me; I get pissed off over injustice and wrongs going on the world. Which is perfectly normal! And the Jedi are never taught love. That is BULLCRAP!!!! Without knowing love you don’t learn compassion for others and to want to help other beings, WHICH IS WHAT YOU SCHMUCKS ARE ALL ABOUT!!!!! Again, why do the Jedi bother forming friendships? Why even bother holding funeral pyres if you don’t care about one another? I don’t care how philosophical this gets, it’s badly written, and it paints the Jedi Order as unlikable douchebags!
In the Expanded Universe, Luke did away with that rule that Jedi can’t love. Hell, what should have happened was that they can form families ONLY within the Order itself. BOOM! There’s drama! It makes it where Anakin has to choose someone within the Order over Padme outside of it.
Hell, now that I think about it, Padme shoulda been the one to tell Anakin to just leave. In fact Anakin shoulda have just left. Anakin, you complain that all the Jedi, including Obi-wan, don’t give you respect, and there didn’t seem to be a penalty if you do choose to leave. So why not? That WHOLE entire debacle from the Clone Wars to the crap that happens in the next movie coulda been avoided if Anakin just left right then and there. Hell, the entire Clone Wars up to Palpatine taking over coulda been avoided! Yeah, there would’ve been no Episodes 4 to 6. But when you watch all the movies from 1 to 6, and look back on 1 to 3, you’ll realize that all the major crap coulda happened if our ‘heroes’ were smarter. But no, Lucas made ‘em that way to drive the plot to the inevitable conclusion.
Case and point, Padme. As many people point out that Jar jar was responsible for everything from the Clone Wars to the Empire taking over, I BLAME IT ALL ON PADME! It started when Padme DIDN’T get the two Jedi to testify about the Trade Feds. Also, she witnessed the state of Tattooine first hand, and did NOTHING to help them. Padme as well as the Jedi Order are all indirectly responsible for Anakin’s mother’s death for not taking any action at all to help them.
My God, the romance was just so badly written and forced, it makes Twilight look like a masterpiece. I am DEAD serious about that. NO, FORGET WHAT I SAID, TWILIGHT’S ROMANCE IS WAY WORSE! But this right there with it. Anakin and Padme’s chemistry is just horrible. Not once did I feel like they were in love. They didn’t see each other ONCE in between TPM and AOTC. Yet they seem to fall in love and get married WITHIN ONE WEEK! Yes, I calculated it.
Even weirder, Padme tells him she can’t fall in love cuz she’s a senator. WHAT?! They barely had any time together in TPM, they hardly knew about each other, like any normal, HEALTHY relationship happens. All Anakin did was bitch about everyone around him at her. ANAKIN IS OPENLY FOR A DICTATORSHIP AND PADME DOESN’T EVEN BAT AN EYE! Make matters worse, when Anakin actually tells Padme that he killed a whole bunch of people, SHE AGAIN DOESN’T BAT AN EYE! YES, PADME IS ALSO RESPONSIBLE FOR THE FALL OF THE REPUBLIC AND THE DESTRUCTION OF 90% OF THE JEDI ORDER VIA ANAKIN BY NOT LOCKING HIM UP AFTER HE TOLD HER EVERYTHING!
My God, Anakin Skywalker was supposed to be this great dude, whose fall to the Dark Side was a shame. But no, Lucas decided just to make him bad from the start. I did not once see him and Obi-wan being friends at all. All they did was just bicker at each other’s throats. It’s really hilarious when Obi-wan says in ANH that he was a good friend. Yeah, some friend you had there, you jackass.
And man, so many unanswered questions? Who or what are the Sith? Who wrote that whole prophecy where Anakin’s ‘the chosen one’? What does bringing balance to force actually mean? Lucas, why didn’t you have editors working these scripts out? Those who worked on it, why didn’t you stand up to Lucas telling him nothing made sense? What the HELL was up with that separatist robo-dude with the knobs? Where can I get Zam’s speeder? What the hell did Zam say after switching back to her real face while dying?
Val Kilmer: It just raises too many questions.
Sorry for biting your style, Linkara
But for the love of Heidegger, WHY ARE THERE SO MANY FANS THAT STILL DEFEND THESE PREQUELS?! Yeah, I got movies people hate but I defend them, but I got my reasons. I won’t dis you for liking them, I JUST HAVE TO KNOW WHY WHEN THERE IS SO MUCH FRIGGIN’ BAGGAGE WITH THESE MOVIES! Just gimme some closure!
It’s just gonna go downhill from here in the next movie, so stay tuned.
Thanks for your time, and sorry for the wall of text
I’ve mentioned before I liked the prequels as a kid but I didn’t know any better, but I always had a feeling in the back on my mind that something was REEEEEEEEEEALY off about them, but couldn’t explain why, all I knew was I was more excited to watch the original trilogy more than watching all 6 on DVD in annual marathons we had back in the day.
And had that same feeling again after watching AOTC. I was 15 when it came out, my Mom picked me up from school and we both went to go see it. And lemme tell ya something, I was SUPER excited to see this on opening day. From watching the trailers, it had promising things; first Stormtroopers, someone who looks like Boba Fett, and more Anakin Skywalker.
And I think I speak for everybody, we all KNEW it was gonna be better than TPM when we all first saw it, right? *Sighs* NOPE! In fact, it was EVEN WORSE than TPM! AOTC to me, is not only the worst of the prequel trilogy, but just the worst Star Wars movie, period. Along with Episode 3, there are just so many factors that really make this thing a colossal failure. Like with TPM, I’m gonna list the pros, cons and the ‘What Should Have Happened’ (WSHH). And expect some yelling in this review.
Con: Several systems are leaving the Republic, and rallying with Count Dooku apparently, calling themselves the ‘Separatists’. With the way we saw how the Republic functioned back in TPM, I can’t blame them leaving. They talk like it could come to war. A war over what? The Separatists are just trying to leave. What a war is gonna brew for them trying to be an independent nation? This isn’t like the American Revolution and the Declaration of Independence, the Separatists aren’t confined to any land or a continent. The galaxy’s pretty vast, why not just go far far away (hee hee hee ^^) to another planet. It’s just how it’s set up here at the beginning, but it gets nuttier.
Con: 10 years have passed since TPM, and our characters act like nothing happened during that Naboo fiasco. More Jedi had come with Obi-Wan and Gui-Gon, they woulda caught Maul and got more info. Everyone’s said this, but hell, the entire prequel trilogy coulda started here at AOTC, TPM was apparently THAT forgettable.
Con: Anakin’s been training with Obi-Wan as his apprentice, and right away we see that he’s just an asshole. I’ll get to that later, along with the dynamic between him and Obi-Wan.
Con: An assassination attempt happened with Padme, now a senator, and afterwards she goes into a building… that has windows. A place where any assassin can see you. Speaking of seeing, Padme’s new captain has an eye patch. NOBODY WITH NO DEPTH PERCEPTION SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO GUARD ANYBODY. Anakin and Obi-Wan are assigned to protect Padme.
Con: We learn that Anakin is having nightmares of his mother dying. Yeah, I kept waiting for an explanation why the Jedi didn’t save Anakin’s mom after the events of TPM, or better FREE THE “SLAVES” ON TATTOOINE! Why didn’t the Jedi help anyone there? What were they afraid of, a war with Jabba the Hutt?! He’s a gangster not a warlord. And what else were the Jedi worried about, Anakin’s attachment to his mother if they did free her?! Uuuuughhh~ I’ll talk about the Jedi at the end.
Pro: Jango Fett. That’s the second time in these prequels where I like the bad guys more than out “heroes”.
Con: Jango hiring an assassin instead of doing the job himself. Why did he hire this disposable baddie? That assassin, Zam, is the one who tried to kill Padme, on the decoy died.
Con: Using a droid to cut a hole through the window of a room where Padme’s sleeping, and set out poisonous centipede-like things to kill her, instead of…. y’know… SHOOT HER! Again, in a room with a window where an assassin can see her. Nice protecting, ‘Jedi’. In fact, Zam, why the heck didn’t you just use that damn gun of yours?! You caused that ship in the beginning to blow up real good. The point was, Anakin was using her as bait to draw Zam out, but she turns off the security cams for privacy. IS PRIVACY MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR LIFE, LADY?!?! Hell, even R2 was utterly useless, didn’t detect anything by the window!
Pro: Zam’s airspeeder is pretty sweet ^^
Con: That chase throughout Courisant. Yeah, after saving Padme chopping up the centipede-thingies, we see Obi-wan jumping out the window and ride on that droid that sent out those things.
WSHH: It shoulda been the reversal, where Anakin jumped out and rode that droid, and Obi-wan followed in the car, instead of what was shown in the film. It fits in with Anakin’s personality, since in the film he jumps out the car, falling on top of that assassin’s car. (Guess he trusted the force on where the precise trajectory of that car was, I don’t know. Or even know that it WAS the right car)
Con: The chase ends at a random bar. They say that Zam’s a changeling. (Boy, what would give for Queen Chrysalis right now!) They go in, and Zam didn’t even use the opportunity to get the hell away, instead of sticking around and trying to shoot the Jedi in the back. That got her hand cut off.
Before I go on, morons STILL bitch that Force Awakens is nothing but a rehash of New Hope, defending the prequels as being ‘original’, and saying: “Lucas would NEVER repeat himself in his movies.” LOOK AT THAT BAR SCENE, LOOK AT THE ASTEROID FIGHT LATER ON, THEN LOOK AT SIMILAR SCENES FROM NEW HOPE AND EMPIRE, THEN COME BACK TO ME WITH SOMETHING INTELLEGENT, PLEASE.
Con: So yeah, Zam gets killed when Jango gets her with a toxic dart and flies off with his rocket pack. Uuuuuh, guuuuuuyys… why don’t you chase him?! A rocket won’t get him that much distance. Go after him with that car! Or, Jango, ya coulda killed Padme while the Jedi were chasing Zam! The ol’ bait and switch! God! Every friggin’ character is a moron!
By the way, a bounty hunter and an assassin are to different things!
Con: So Padme is gonna return to Naboo, Anakin is given the task to ‘protect’ her. Jedi, you’ve been weary of Anakin ever since you saw him, why did you give him this assignment? This all leads to the one of the the most forced romances in cinema history. I’ll explain more later about that. And this all lead to the infamous ‘I don’t like sand’ line.
Con: How the hell come no other assassin followed Padme home and tried to kill her there?!
Con: Obi-Wan’s trying to figure out where that dart came from, that just leads him to meandering around even AFTER he got the location of where the dart came from. From Kamino! I repeat, they learn that the location of Kamino was deleted from the archive memory after Obi-Wan got the coordinates to the place.
Obi-Wan does see Kamino, and learn that a Clone Army is being made for the Republic, that was completely unknown to them. The order was placed 10 years ago by a fallen Jedi, and that Jango was the original host for them all. One clone is the young Boba Fett. Uuuuuuuugh! So yeah, this is all part of Palpatine’s great plan for domination, we all know that. Guess he knew all that was gonna happen since he also apparently saw Anakin falling in love with Padme, and all the crap that happens in the next movie. Yep, you planed everything, Palpy.
So after another nightmare, Anakin and Padme go to Tattooine, find out the mother was freed and married a moisture farmer to try and set up Uncle Own and Aunt Beru for ANH. Like I said in TPM review, Padme shoulda been from that farm and be a sister to Owen. It just makes more sense.
WSHH: Anakin…. Why the hell didn’t you what you promised your mother you would do YEARS AGO!?! Anakin, nor any Jedi, went to go help the poor people suffering, apparently, on Tattooine. These Jedi are utterly USELESS!!!
Obi-wan’s ‘investigation’ leads to a fight with Jango, and them in a dogfight in that asteroid field. But it’s just so uninteresting. And blah blah blah, Anakin finds his mother, she dies, and he goes nuts killing sand people left and right, and not just the men, but women, and the children too.
Now yes, the sand people took his mom were bad. I firmly believe killing a murderer is NOT the way to go to exact justice, no matter how savage the sand people are. And I don’t care how primitive they are, GENOCIDE IS GENOCIDE! Now, I could be hypocritical in this, since I watch Sentai and Rider shows where they do kill the baddies, but those are entirely different circumstances, and it’s protecting the world. And I’m fine with that, sometimes an enemy goes too far and there’s no redemption. But this ain’t a philosophical journal, and I ain’t a philosopher. We’re talking about a whiny, petulant, arrogant asshole, whom we’ve hated since he showed up in the film exacting revenge out on people that did absolutely nothing wrong. That same thing is why I hate Sasuke, he wanted to take out his revenge on an entire village that did absolutely nothing to him.
So anyway, Obi-wan’s chase leads to Geonosis where the Separatists are making a Droid army, to apparently make demands with the Republic.
Con: Separatists… you couldn’t leave well enough alone? And what demands did you have? There is no answer! Again, y’all coulda gone out far in the galaxy away from the Republic.
Con: Obi-wan’s message gets out and Padme, this time, takes Anakin to help him. Then there’s that robot assembly factory scene…. God it was like a video game. In fact, a Lego spoof made fun of that entire scene, as well as the entire prequel trilogy. Guess Disney knew what crap the prequels were.
Con: Oh yeah, C3PO went with them… for no reason other than fan service. Yeah, he was working on the Lars’ farm, with new coverings when Anakin and Padme came, and knew who he was. Yesh, 3PO was working, then leaves, from the exact same damn farm where Luke will be taken there to be raised, where R2 and 3PO will be sold to Uncle Owen by the Jawas a couple decades later. The. Exact. Same. FARM! New gold coverings, yeah, but c’mon Owen, you couldn’t tell who 3PO was just by his voice?! When Owen’s dad married Anakin’s mom, she took 3PO apparently shortly after Anakin left. Owen’s been around 3PO for who knows how long, knowing the way he acts, and didn’t recognize the inflections later down the line. Queue my dad, who defends the prequels to high hell, saying: “Well Owen didn’t have the Force with him, son.” THAT IS A PISS-POOR COP OUT AND YOU KNOW IT! I’m calling it what it is… horrible writing from the creator of Star Wars who was lazy enough to NOT LOOK BACK ON THE ORIGINAL TRILOGY TO PROPERLY WRITE THESE DAMN MOVIES! BTW, 3PO’s head gets knocked off during that assembly line scene. THE PREQUELS ARE ORIGINAL MY ASS!
Con: Eventually all our heroes are caught, and Dooku visits Obi-wan. Dooku practically tells him that Palpatine’s a Sith Lord running the Republic, not telling him it’s Palpatine, but c;mon he can’t put two and two together? And it just goes over Obi-wan’s head. Y’know, I think TOO much meditation isn’t THAT healthy. And this was before the war even began. The Jedi coulda stopped ALL this from happening if Obi-wan were smarter and figured it out right there.
Con: It’s becoming a crisis with the Rebuplic, and Jar Jar, a senator as well, is obviously guilt-tripped into his speech to promote emergency powers to Palpatine… an act that completely circumvents themselves, basically. *Sighs* Palpatine’s been the only saving grace of these prequels, with exceptions. If he hadn’t taken over the Republic, they would’ve destroyed themselves from their own stupidity. Then again, Palpy’s working the Republic AND the Separatists in his great ‘master plan.’ So he was probably counting on them being idiots.
Pro: The arena scene, probably the only scene where I felt tension, cuz they never had their lightsabers.
Now, there are deleted scenes of the movie. Some we see of Padme’s family on Naboo. It seems like they go nowhere, but it made Padme and Anakin’s relationship seemed less forced. Another one is a trial scene where the Geonosian leader sentences them to death in that arena scene. And that sentence for them makes sense when you think about it… they were charged with trespassing and espionage. Which they were kinda doing. As much as I hate to say this, guys… the Jedi when they came in and started fighting… pretty much were the ones who started the war. And especially when Yoda came down with the Clone Army.
Con: Wait! You mean to tell me, Jedi, you’re just going along with this? This army was made mysteriously without your knowledge, and you’re just going along with it. You guys don’t even follow up an investigation with this immediately.
Pro: The Clone Troopers were the only character I truly liked. Several clones get their own character and background in the Clone Wars Series and ‘Star Wars Rebels’. They had the looks, the tools, the ships. They rocked. Too bad they all turn into bad guys later down the road. Though some reject. Captain Rex, YOU ROCK!
So the war’s officially started and Jango gets his head cut off, thus setting the stage for young Boba.
Con: the final conflict is with Dooku vs Anakin and Obi-wan, and the fight here is just boring. It’s overly choreographed and of course, Anakin loses his right arm.
Con: Yoda shows up, fights Dooku with the force, then with lightsabers. Now Plinket in his review goes on about Yoda is powerfully spiritually, but can’t physically match up with opponents. Me personally, I’m not gonna delve into that, cuz a small opponent could match a bigger opponent. No bash Yoda fighting cuz of how ridiculous and utterly hilarious it’s done with him flipping off everything.
Dooku gets away, tell Palpatine/Darth Sidious everything’s going just as planned, begun the Clone War has, and the Jedi basically doomed the Republic with all the sleeper agents they allowed in. They completely forget about Padme’s assassin attempt, the mysterious creation of the Clone Army, and Anakin and Padme get married. They…. Got… MARRIED.
Da end!
THIS MOVIE SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m sorry, but this movie is just terrible
Oh yeah, we found out the client ordering Padme’s assassination is Nute Gunray, the trade viceroy from TPM. Why, dude? You brought this on yourself by siding your whole damn organization with Sidious. And hell, you’re going along with Sidious again with this whole thing with the Separatists. What are you getting out of all this?!
Lucas completely ruined Boba’s mysterious facade in this movie. Now I hear Boba’s really good in the Clone Wars series, but why couldn’t he have been just an apprentice to Jango?
Every single Jedi is either useless or flat out stupid. Obi-wan’s the main character, but he had NOTHING about to make us relate to him, or wanna root for him. You guys suck at your jobs being the guardians of peace and justice, you just flat-out ignored all the people that needed your help on Tattooine, all you settled were tax and border crap. The Jedi are guardians of peace and justice, not soldiers. You’re basically cops. And I say this again, were you guys fighting pirate guilds or something before? Otherwise, what good is it with a bigass temple you got housing hundreds, if not thousands, of Jedi?
We see kids in Jedi training… with lightsabers!!!!!! Look at the scene, all the kids are holding their lightsabers so awkwardly. Hell they used the training method Obi-wan had Luke do in ANH. They couldn’t make up really cool Padawan teachings? The prequels are original, my ass! On that note, I thought making the lightsaber was a rite of passage to adulthood.
Speaking off the kids, and this has been a rant I’ve been saving up for years now… this movie basically makes it clear, and I had to look up info outside the movie too, that parents don’t love their kids. If a baby is born with Force-sensitive powers, they’re given to be raised by the Jedi. Babies are taken away from their parents to be raised a cult-like, restrictive environment where they don’t learn/not allowed to express their feelings or even HEALTHY ways to express them. I’m sorry, but this is just stupid and wrong! No damn wonder people HATE the Jedi in the movies, they’re baby-snatchers!
Jeez, I feel bad for the parents who found out their Jedi kid was branded a traitor then killed. “You think giving our special baby to the Jedi was a bad decision, honey?”
Yeah yeah, it’s based on the Buddhists teachings of rejection of attachments. Then why are they allowed to have friends?! You dumbass Jedi contradict yourselves by forming friendships, another form of attachments! Attachments are NOT LIMITED to romance and crap! This dumbass idea of the Jedi, sworn protectors of the republic and the entirety of the galaxy in general, not being allowed to form positive attachments towards the people they're protecting is really stupid. You'd think falling to the dark side would be much easier if they have no personal stakes in actually being good for the sake of their loved ones. Heck, Luke's love for his father was what REDEEMED FREAKIN' DARTH VADER! Hell, for those who know me, you’d probably think I’m better suited in being a Sith Lord than a Jedi, for I’m angry of how short-sided, hypocritical and moronic these ‘guardians’ are.
Also, this movie teaches us that love and anger will lead you to being evil. We see Obi-wan get mad and through out sarcastic quips. No… just no. Lucas, you DO NOT know jack crap! Yeah, anger and passion can cloud minds…. BUT THEY CAN ALSO FOCUS THE MIND! You all know me; I get pissed off over injustice and wrongs going on the world. Which is perfectly normal! And the Jedi are never taught love. That is BULLCRAP!!!! Without knowing love you don’t learn compassion for others and to want to help other beings, WHICH IS WHAT YOU SCHMUCKS ARE ALL ABOUT!!!!! Again, why do the Jedi bother forming friendships? Why even bother holding funeral pyres if you don’t care about one another? I don’t care how philosophical this gets, it’s badly written, and it paints the Jedi Order as unlikable douchebags!
In the Expanded Universe, Luke did away with that rule that Jedi can’t love. Hell, what should have happened was that they can form families ONLY within the Order itself. BOOM! There’s drama! It makes it where Anakin has to choose someone within the Order over Padme outside of it.
Hell, now that I think about it, Padme shoulda been the one to tell Anakin to just leave. In fact Anakin shoulda have just left. Anakin, you complain that all the Jedi, including Obi-wan, don’t give you respect, and there didn’t seem to be a penalty if you do choose to leave. So why not? That WHOLE entire debacle from the Clone Wars to the crap that happens in the next movie coulda been avoided if Anakin just left right then and there. Hell, the entire Clone Wars up to Palpatine taking over coulda been avoided! Yeah, there would’ve been no Episodes 4 to 6. But when you watch all the movies from 1 to 6, and look back on 1 to 3, you’ll realize that all the major crap coulda happened if our ‘heroes’ were smarter. But no, Lucas made ‘em that way to drive the plot to the inevitable conclusion.
Case and point, Padme. As many people point out that Jar jar was responsible for everything from the Clone Wars to the Empire taking over, I BLAME IT ALL ON PADME! It started when Padme DIDN’T get the two Jedi to testify about the Trade Feds. Also, she witnessed the state of Tattooine first hand, and did NOTHING to help them. Padme as well as the Jedi Order are all indirectly responsible for Anakin’s mother’s death for not taking any action at all to help them.
My God, the romance was just so badly written and forced, it makes Twilight look like a masterpiece. I am DEAD serious about that. NO, FORGET WHAT I SAID, TWILIGHT’S ROMANCE IS WAY WORSE! But this right there with it. Anakin and Padme’s chemistry is just horrible. Not once did I feel like they were in love. They didn’t see each other ONCE in between TPM and AOTC. Yet they seem to fall in love and get married WITHIN ONE WEEK! Yes, I calculated it.
Even weirder, Padme tells him she can’t fall in love cuz she’s a senator. WHAT?! They barely had any time together in TPM, they hardly knew about each other, like any normal, HEALTHY relationship happens. All Anakin did was bitch about everyone around him at her. ANAKIN IS OPENLY FOR A DICTATORSHIP AND PADME DOESN’T EVEN BAT AN EYE! Make matters worse, when Anakin actually tells Padme that he killed a whole bunch of people, SHE AGAIN DOESN’T BAT AN EYE! YES, PADME IS ALSO RESPONSIBLE FOR THE FALL OF THE REPUBLIC AND THE DESTRUCTION OF 90% OF THE JEDI ORDER VIA ANAKIN BY NOT LOCKING HIM UP AFTER HE TOLD HER EVERYTHING!
My God, Anakin Skywalker was supposed to be this great dude, whose fall to the Dark Side was a shame. But no, Lucas decided just to make him bad from the start. I did not once see him and Obi-wan being friends at all. All they did was just bicker at each other’s throats. It’s really hilarious when Obi-wan says in ANH that he was a good friend. Yeah, some friend you had there, you jackass.
And man, so many unanswered questions? Who or what are the Sith? Who wrote that whole prophecy where Anakin’s ‘the chosen one’? What does bringing balance to force actually mean? Lucas, why didn’t you have editors working these scripts out? Those who worked on it, why didn’t you stand up to Lucas telling him nothing made sense? What the HELL was up with that separatist robo-dude with the knobs? Where can I get Zam’s speeder? What the hell did Zam say after switching back to her real face while dying?
Val Kilmer: It just raises too many questions.
Sorry for biting your style, Linkara
But for the love of Heidegger, WHY ARE THERE SO MANY FANS THAT STILL DEFEND THESE PREQUELS?! Yeah, I got movies people hate but I defend them, but I got my reasons. I won’t dis you for liking them, I JUST HAVE TO KNOW WHY WHEN THERE IS SO MUCH FRIGGIN’ BAGGAGE WITH THESE MOVIES! Just gimme some closure!
It’s just gonna go downhill from here in the next movie, so stay tuned.
Thanks for your time, and sorry for the wall of text
Honestly the more I think about it, the more pointless this movie was .w. . ''The Middle'' is always a hard part to pull off but there's not a single point in this movie that you NEED to watch to understand what happens between one and three, and even one didn't need to be viewed much either .3. . I originally gave this movie a pass because I thought it was focused on the clones and the reasons for why the war began with just some very poor execution having been done, but according to Lucas, this was mainly supposed to be about Anakin and Padme's relationship which.......wasn't that good...
Here's hoping you mention the 2003 clone wars cartoon when talking about episode three. Most critics seem to forget about it..''Who is this General Grievous and why does he have such a stupid name? he looks stupid and comes outta no where and does nothing!'' (Cuz you know, Darth Vader, Boba Fett, Luke SKYWALKER were all such subtle and normal sounding names right?) And keep forgetting that THIS https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIj7gIDFDe4 is why people were looking forward to him >_<!- but that's another rant for another time =3=. Noice review!~
As for the 2008 Clone Wars series, no way in hell am I gonna mention it. I only saw 8 episodes of the 1st season and was bored. Don't get me started on the movie pilot of that crap, that was terrible.
Yeaaaaahhh first season isn't the one most remember, more so 2nd-3rd+. While it did give us a lot of moments I think were kind've fan fic ish, it did at least delve into some of the more grayer aspects of being a Jedi and of the war, auctully gave us more insight as to the feelings of the clones themselves and gave that amazing fight with Sidious '3' https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-7hBZNsPnyg Just the way he moved seemed so sinister and unholy.