I know in my last journal I wrote about a lot of self doubt. I said I had no idea where I wanted to go in life and where I wanted to be at the end of it. Perhaps the most important thing I mentioned was that my parents were the best support i received in my life…this was a lie. It was a lie so complex that i fool myself into believing it. Deep down I don't dare if I end up homeless, dying, as long as I'm not like my father.

My father comes a long line of drunks. (all of them having criminal records) He and his 8 other siblings were messed up by their father I admit and now his drunkenness has affected his own family. My older sister moved out as soon as she could to get away from him. My poor mother gets berated on for things she has little to no control over. (fucking name a problem out of someones control he'll blame you for it.) The thing I do not understand about this drunken behavior is how the hell someone doesn't make the make the connection that alcohol was to blame, they always say it was the man deep down…I want to believe my father is good. He has a good job, his coworkers have nothing but positives to say about him, he helps out relatives with problems if he can but when he's home he drinks himself into a behavior that chases his wife and children away. Today was a breaking point for me. I contacted my sister thinking i would move in for a few days…I can't stand him anymore. there have been so many times when he blames others for anything, he always tries to make 'you' the unreasonable one. I love my father in actions (finding a good job when his family was shit and all other good behavior.) But this man who he is at home…I can't love him but thats part of who he is. Hours, days, years of his life spent drinking himself into a stupor. Its who this man is….he fucking fell off his 4 wheeler and lost part of his memory (fucking amnesia) and promised to stop because of it..not 2 days later he was passed out drunk on the couch.

I can never drink because of him because all evidence points to me being highly resistant to alcohol but i have never taken a sip in my life. I don't know what else to do, my grandfather is the exact same way, bitter and old and drunk. I want to believe this won't be him but it is…its too late. He was yelling at my mother after Good Friday where she sang in the choir how her newly adopted cat (Mimi) was too high energy. Telling her all the damage she causes and I have no fucking idea what she can do about it. Its a kitten! Its what she is. I can't stand him anymore, after church (the time where you are suppose to love and care about your family, when Jesus died so that all evil could be forgiven he does this. Yet he's the one who blames me for not being a good person because I don't go to church! Are you fucking kidding me?!)

I'm sorry to anyone who is watching me because of some new things I commissioned, I'm not usually like this to post depressing stuff so soon but…I'm getting sick of it. Thank you for listening.