I had a realization just an hour ago that I have had very little contact with people today, through online and offline means. The contact I did have with people boiled down to being utilitarian and not really personal. Generally on Wednesdays I only have two classes and after that I go home before traffic starts to pickup. I did get invited to a study session by a classmate, but I did not go since I wasn't in the mood for studying since my last class had a test.

I may have just been tired today and as a result was rather unsocial, but it was kind of realization I just happened upon. It didn't make me sad and the emotive state I would put myself in could be described as emptiness or apathy. However this may just be a form of sadness where I have given up on feeling sad and instead I have the lack of feeling.

This gets down to a root cause in that I do not naturally gravitate to being social and in all likely hood I could survive being alone all the time without much human contact, given I would become a little more neurotic than I am right now. While I may be able to cope and function with being alone, this only works as long as I don't have to a window into what may or can be.

I see others having strong friendships that span back to childhood and others in which they may very well be linked together. I see this as envy which I try to rationalize against and control, however this may be more damning than accepting my envy. The envy that I feel is not for the specific but the abstract type of relationship that is between two people and what I described before is a platonic relationship.

I did have that form of relationship once and multiple chances, but in reflection I know that I lost them due to a combination of social ineptitude and difficulties of contact. Now I am at a stage where I starting to give into the belief that I may never regain that type of relationship and have it be true.


I have theorized on the many factors that may have contributed to this.

For most of my life I have been segmented between a face that I present to the world and a face I show to another world that I have only recently cared about showing. These two worlds may intersect in which some people get to see two faces, but this dual nature makes me uncomfortable even though I have grown to tolerate it and at first saw it as necessary. This fix this, I have thought of forgoing having multiple accounts on FA and letting the people I have met through my non-this account use this account as a face, however I have to make sure I remain decoupled from my real identity since I wish to maintain professional image security. I am just realizing there is no reason to split my furry self.

Another factor is that I am exposed to a small sample size of people and/or do not develop with my current sample size. I call myself lazy when I try to branch out but in reality when someone says they are socially lazy I am realizing that it is just anxiety since those that say they are too lazy to branch out probably see the action as exhausting (I do at least). Through therapy I have done better in branching out with the people I am in contact with (school mostly) but I am still too afraid of exposing myself to the fandom.


This may be a natural consequence of getting older and in a time of life were a lot of friends will be going their own way within a few years before settling down. As such the difficulty of finding lasting, heartfelt friendship is hard. I may also just be expecting more than is realistic, maybe I just want some to listen to as well as be able to talk to, to grow with and share something with. Someone who I feel natural to be around.

Thanks for reading.