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[Journal 2016.10.18] My Sexual Orientations
9 years ago
Quick Note:
I am going to sort of use my journals as a blog. Topics will probably range from personal stuff to more productive stuff (art, programming, media review) to more social things (gaming, maybe streams? -if I ever sum up the courage to care to do them). I want to probably make journals more often but I make them a time consuming thing (2 hours over 2 days is too much to write a single journal).
On with the show!:
Over the past few weeks I have strangely been struggling over my sexual orientation. While I was in grade school I didn't really have an orientation in that I never held an attraction to any gender, of course one wouldn't expect a child at that age to have any firm attractions. I did have my macro/micro-paw/foot fetish then (and at an early age).
In high school I didn't have much development in any gender attractions. Any sexual feelings I did have still remained towards the area of fetishes. High school was where I actually made this account but I only used it as a gateway into the site and didn't really do much more with it. I had another account that I did use a little bit but have since abandoned. Regardless I have had a couple of possible relationships with the opposite gender (female) which I didn't nurture beyond just being acquaintances. I did try dating once, but my old self back then didn’t really know what a relationship meant, that or I didn’t have much interest in it in the first place.
Before that first-and-final relationship, I didn't really think much about my orientation. I don't really recall my feelings in the past since I really didn't have any, as such I must have assumed I was straight or at least was going to act that way. I also didn't really have any crushes I could put my finger on.
In college, after I transferred into the program I am in now, I could say I had crushes towards some girls. Of course these crushes were more of me shipping myself with them but I didn't really "feel" my heart towards them. I may have possibly been able to form an emotional or romantic connection but probably no real sexual connection that wouldn't objectify them. It may also have been loneliness affecting me.
The crush I did have true feelings towards one of my friends from high school (which was an all-male high school). Of course they don't have a orientation that lines up with mine unfortunately. I have had some sexual encounters with other old-high school friends (male) but I did not really hit anything off with them. Of course I realized that I enjoyed male-male play (but have yet to experience male-female play, but still have no real interest in pursuing it in-person).
These two factors are my basis in my current orientation which I would say is queer (for ambiguity) but is mostly bisexual (pansexual) with a preference for males (sex not gender). Based on my behavior and sexual encounters I am more gay than straight. I was able to live with this for about a year and a few months without it really affecting me as a person. Now when it came to one of my classes, being one about human sexuality, there was a panel of LGBQA people which I could have had a chance to be on, however I was taking the class with some of my class mates in my program (as we planned to do so together) so even if I was brave to sit in front of the lecture.
I did not want to be before my peers since I don't share much of my sexual self with them (as I don't see a need to). Furthermore I still do not feel right being in the LGBTQA community. It might be that I am closeted as well as still sort of uncertain (I am certain that I do want a relationship eventually, but that may just be the loneliness talking). Another rationale I use is that by associating myself with the community, I would somehow have myself marginalized by other people. I know this is not going to be the case, but since LGBTQA rights is still a hot topic in both politics, culture, and religion I cannot just have it only be part of my being that, for example, my spiritual beliefs would be.
Coming back to the topic of being closeted. I don't have the feeling that "coming out" would be necessary. Of course maybe I'm hoping to eventually I can candidly "come out" since that is more passive and doesn't put me much in the spot light. Of course I would have to actually come forward during opportunities which I can do so.
I'm still a bit lost as to how to handle my identity in this manner since I don't know how to put my thumb on it. I have a feeling that I am possibly (truly) gay, but my methods of attraction sexually aren't reliant on sex and romantically it’s not based on gender. Hence why I say I am bisexual with a preference for males, possibly a strong preference. I understand that sexuality is fluid over time and is not as defined as society makes it out to be.
I am going to sort of use my journals as a blog. Topics will probably range from personal stuff to more productive stuff (art, programming, media review) to more social things (gaming, maybe streams? -if I ever sum up the courage to care to do them). I want to probably make journals more often but I make them a time consuming thing (2 hours over 2 days is too much to write a single journal).
On with the show!:
Over the past few weeks I have strangely been struggling over my sexual orientation. While I was in grade school I didn't really have an orientation in that I never held an attraction to any gender, of course one wouldn't expect a child at that age to have any firm attractions. I did have my macro/micro-paw/foot fetish then (and at an early age).
In high school I didn't have much development in any gender attractions. Any sexual feelings I did have still remained towards the area of fetishes. High school was where I actually made this account but I only used it as a gateway into the site and didn't really do much more with it. I had another account that I did use a little bit but have since abandoned. Regardless I have had a couple of possible relationships with the opposite gender (female) which I didn't nurture beyond just being acquaintances. I did try dating once, but my old self back then didn’t really know what a relationship meant, that or I didn’t have much interest in it in the first place.
Before that first-and-final relationship, I didn't really think much about my orientation. I don't really recall my feelings in the past since I really didn't have any, as such I must have assumed I was straight or at least was going to act that way. I also didn't really have any crushes I could put my finger on.
In college, after I transferred into the program I am in now, I could say I had crushes towards some girls. Of course these crushes were more of me shipping myself with them but I didn't really "feel" my heart towards them. I may have possibly been able to form an emotional or romantic connection but probably no real sexual connection that wouldn't objectify them. It may also have been loneliness affecting me.
The crush I did have true feelings towards one of my friends from high school (which was an all-male high school). Of course they don't have a orientation that lines up with mine unfortunately. I have had some sexual encounters with other old-high school friends (male) but I did not really hit anything off with them. Of course I realized that I enjoyed male-male play (but have yet to experience male-female play, but still have no real interest in pursuing it in-person).
These two factors are my basis in my current orientation which I would say is queer (for ambiguity) but is mostly bisexual (pansexual) with a preference for males (sex not gender). Based on my behavior and sexual encounters I am more gay than straight. I was able to live with this for about a year and a few months without it really affecting me as a person. Now when it came to one of my classes, being one about human sexuality, there was a panel of LGBQA people which I could have had a chance to be on, however I was taking the class with some of my class mates in my program (as we planned to do so together) so even if I was brave to sit in front of the lecture.
I did not want to be before my peers since I don't share much of my sexual self with them (as I don't see a need to). Furthermore I still do not feel right being in the LGBTQA community. It might be that I am closeted as well as still sort of uncertain (I am certain that I do want a relationship eventually, but that may just be the loneliness talking). Another rationale I use is that by associating myself with the community, I would somehow have myself marginalized by other people. I know this is not going to be the case, but since LGBTQA rights is still a hot topic in both politics, culture, and religion I cannot just have it only be part of my being that, for example, my spiritual beliefs would be.
Coming back to the topic of being closeted. I don't have the feeling that "coming out" would be necessary. Of course maybe I'm hoping to eventually I can candidly "come out" since that is more passive and doesn't put me much in the spot light. Of course I would have to actually come forward during opportunities which I can do so.
I'm still a bit lost as to how to handle my identity in this manner since I don't know how to put my thumb on it. I have a feeling that I am possibly (truly) gay, but my methods of attraction sexually aren't reliant on sex and romantically it’s not based on gender. Hence why I say I am bisexual with a preference for males, possibly a strong preference. I understand that sexuality is fluid over time and is not as defined as society makes it out to be.
I am an individual who did not have any preference sexually, save for those of fetishes initially. However, as time went on, I found that my predisposed interest in females was only propagated by the encouragement to do so.
It's been some time since I've had my third attempt at a relationship, but I feel that I've finally found the dynamic in my life that's been needed.
Instead of having a relationship, I'll have slaves.
My slaves will be my toys, and they will serve and worship me as their Master.
It's a bit beyond love, as these are individuals who dedicate their lives to me, and I in turn them.
Of course, size difference, foot fetishes, and domination are all key things in my life. But now I can share it with my slaves.
Pertaining to what you said in your final sentence, I do think that since my attraction is so rooted in macro/micro-paw/foot fetishism for most of my life, that if I was to find love that must be a basic requirement that I could probably not do without (but do not require in every aspect.)
in regards to what you've said, I do agree; Sometimes in order to have what you need, it has to be a part of your life, but not a 24/7 thing. Just like with my slaves I'd be just as quick to game with them or do things other than make them my foot worshiping sex toys.