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Am I doing it wrong?
9 years ago
I am a super friendly guy by nature. It's what I love most about the fandom. I am widely accepted by tons of random people, and I'm not prejudged right from the start. And once others see me, they come to find I'm a cool dude and pretty chill. A friendship is formed rather easily, cuz most furs are nice guys and gals. So it goes really smoothy. But what if I want "more"?
Now I have to quantify by what I mean as " more ". I call it a close friendship. Things in common. Our interests line up and we find common ground to stand on and relate to. When walls and barriers are able to be lowered and we are able to share deeper thoughts and feelings about anything. The topics we have in common, or others were find along the way.
Once we have let eachother into the deeper parts of our feelings we start to know even more about eachother. Then other things start to happen. Phone numbers are traded. Voice chats become common. Very particular details start to be shared. The " TMI " zone is long gone. RPs might happen. Pics are shared. Feelings grow stronger. Desires are shared. Not everything stated above happen for everyone. Maybe only 1 part happens. Maybe 2. Maybe all and more. But things start to have deeper meanings. And I become invested in to that person. Almost to a fault.
And there in lays my issue. I become invested. On one hand, it had lead to the best friendships I've ever had. Shikan, crash, achi and a whole special chat room that has 9 ppl in it that I would give them anything and everything. They have enriched my life more then I can ever explain. But I would not be who I am without them. But now the down side to this all.
Of the top of my head I can name 5 ppl right now who I felt like where close friends of mine. T, V, K, B, P. Each one of them have done different things to make me wonder and question where I am in there live's. And when I feel like I want to question them on where I am or why I feel this way, I feel like I'm in the wrong. Becuase they have been close and we shared things to make me classifying then as close friends. But I still feel like they are not there anymore. And my attempts to bring them back to being closer to me had only been met with failure and pain.
So much pain that the idea of just not chatting with them anymore has started to sound like the best option. But because I'm invested in them emotionally, it becomes this ever lasting rubber band fest of me trying to bring them close. And when it doesn't work, it hurts worce. But I try again. And I fail and my soul starts to hurt and it takes over my whole day. And I'm left with endless questions and self doubt. And I don't know what to do with myself even to the friends that truely love and honor me and my life. I'm a lifeless husk of a person. And if I bring this up to anyone, I feel like a paranoid, jealous, envoys, pathetic little shit. So I wonder. Should I stop trying to make close friends?
I say this to so many people that I still believe. "Don't let a few bad apples spoil you for the rest of the world" I'm just at there point where I want to stop this pain. And this is the only way I know how to.
Now this is not here to out anyone. And this is not here to guilt anyone into anything. This is hear for my own experience and thoughts to become real. I'm sharing my mind, and my feelings. That's all.
Now I have to quantify by what I mean as " more ". I call it a close friendship. Things in common. Our interests line up and we find common ground to stand on and relate to. When walls and barriers are able to be lowered and we are able to share deeper thoughts and feelings about anything. The topics we have in common, or others were find along the way.
Once we have let eachother into the deeper parts of our feelings we start to know even more about eachother. Then other things start to happen. Phone numbers are traded. Voice chats become common. Very particular details start to be shared. The " TMI " zone is long gone. RPs might happen. Pics are shared. Feelings grow stronger. Desires are shared. Not everything stated above happen for everyone. Maybe only 1 part happens. Maybe 2. Maybe all and more. But things start to have deeper meanings. And I become invested in to that person. Almost to a fault.
And there in lays my issue. I become invested. On one hand, it had lead to the best friendships I've ever had. Shikan, crash, achi and a whole special chat room that has 9 ppl in it that I would give them anything and everything. They have enriched my life more then I can ever explain. But I would not be who I am without them. But now the down side to this all.
Of the top of my head I can name 5 ppl right now who I felt like where close friends of mine. T, V, K, B, P. Each one of them have done different things to make me wonder and question where I am in there live's. And when I feel like I want to question them on where I am or why I feel this way, I feel like I'm in the wrong. Becuase they have been close and we shared things to make me classifying then as close friends. But I still feel like they are not there anymore. And my attempts to bring them back to being closer to me had only been met with failure and pain.
So much pain that the idea of just not chatting with them anymore has started to sound like the best option. But because I'm invested in them emotionally, it becomes this ever lasting rubber band fest of me trying to bring them close. And when it doesn't work, it hurts worce. But I try again. And I fail and my soul starts to hurt and it takes over my whole day. And I'm left with endless questions and self doubt. And I don't know what to do with myself even to the friends that truely love and honor me and my life. I'm a lifeless husk of a person. And if I bring this up to anyone, I feel like a paranoid, jealous, envoys, pathetic little shit. So I wonder. Should I stop trying to make close friends?
I say this to so many people that I still believe. "Don't let a few bad apples spoil you for the rest of the world" I'm just at there point where I want to stop this pain. And this is the only way I know how to.
Now this is not here to out anyone. And this is not here to guilt anyone into anything. This is hear for my own experience and thoughts to become real. I'm sharing my mind, and my feelings. That's all.
The way I try to think of it as of now is to just let it happen and go with whatever may come up. People are different, people change, and people follow their own goals. Sometimes, we share some of them along the way for a time, and we can enjoy those together, but we might as well find different things in life we want to pursue, which lead us apart. I don't think there is much point in fighting that. If you put sticking together over your own personal needs and wants, you might end up with having to make conmpromises you're not fine with constantly, or even one of you feeling forced down a way they don't want to.
I am unable to give you any real advice on this topic, as I am not at all familiar with your particular situation (and also, I am just some random character on the internet who doesn't know anything more than the next best guy). All I wanted to say is, that clinging to a particular person too much can be the wrong thing to do. Change is a natural part of life, and I don't think we should be working against that. Also, having positive expectations of anything should always be handled with care. Too high expectations can easily lead to disappointment, and that's true for every aspect of life.
Hope this was at least able to provide some insight or a second opinion :) have a great day!
Again, that's just my advice, but it always helps to always have conversations where everyone is calm and collected. Whatever the case, I hope you get this sorted, and I'll be where I am to try and help fill up some of that emptiness! :)
Well, take my advice for what it's worth -- with a grain of salt, even. I feel like I'm not particularly the best at opening up to people (nervous, sometimes even) and the prospect of meta conversations about the depth of friendship usually just amplify that feeling up to 11. But even I know being vulnerable for a little bit doesn't immediately invalidate any self-confidence and strength you normally have -- I think it's healthy.
In any case, thanks for sharing your thoughts. And we should definitely catch up sometime :3
I guess what I'm trying to say with this, is that you can try to bring them back but sometimes life will keep them away for a while and I doubt they would forget you or not want to talk with you after having shared so much together. You just have to try to make the time, or find the right time to talk again. It may be painful to not be able to talk to them at that point in time, but friends will always try to make the time to talk to one another, and if it gets to that point, you can try to plan out a time to talk, or resort to messaging each other whenever you're online, kinda like sending notes to each other and responding when you get the chance, only through a messenger or text, etc.
As for the trying to make close friends aspect, I personally believe that you should never stop trying for that. One close friend regardless of who they are, what they like, etc. can completely change an outcome for you. They can make the most terrible day not seem so bad, or make the best day of your life seem that much better. I have struggled non stop to make friends myself, much less get the ones I have to that "Close friend" status, but despite everything I would say that it is still worth it. If one isn't available, you can try another.
Personally, I think you should just keep being who you are. Be the super friendly guy you are and be nice to all those around you. If it develops into a close friendship then that's great! Otherwise, if something goes wrong you can go to another friend for support and become closer with them. It depends on the person of course, but for the most part a lot of people out there are very friendly and caring. You just gotta find them.
If you think you need a break to recover, then take a break, there's nothing wrong with that. But at the end of the day.. Decide what you think is best for you. You may need to give it some time which can suck sometimes, but it may be the best option other times. Just don't let it change who you are in the end!
Hopefully this helps a bit and I hope things improve for you in the future as well!
Wish I could help, I'm here if you want to talk to someone.