This last week has been extremely taxing on me, I got sick, had to miss 4 days of work, now I'm going to be short on my bills...

I'm just...ugh....I feel absolutely pathetic. I'm fighting constantly to keep up enough hours at work to pay my bills, I'm often short, shit keeps coming up, I'm fucking drowning. I need a better job, and I'm waiting on a phone call to get one. But I'm struggling while I wait and it's driving me crazy. I'm simply a drain on my room mates, they keep having to cover my shortages because I simply don't make enough money.

Here lately I've been struggling with my inner demons more so than usual. I can't seem to help but reflect on my past, remember all the terrible things I've been through, and all the awful things I've done, and I'm left with myself laying in bed thinking "wow, you are a terrible person, you don't even deserve to live. No wonder your parents hate living with you so much, no wonder you can't seem to hold on to a mate, or hold down a job. Your just a pathetic worthless piece of shit"

And I've been feeling isolated and alone lately. I try not to be a bother to anyone, and I shut a lot of people out when I feel they are better off without me. But the truth is I'm terrified of being abandoned...

I saw this thing once, it was essentially two people talking, one said

"Anxiety and depression aren't so bad"

The other said

"Having anxiety and depression together is like constantly being afraid that everything is going to go catastrophicly wrong, and not having the will power to do anything about it. It makes you feel like everyone you love is going to leave you, so you shut them out, push them away to avoid being hurt, when in reality no one is leaving"

And that's what I've been dealing with. Non stop. For years now. And I know, a lot of you will immediately jump on the "get help, see a doctor for that" but what they don't realize is just how broke I am, and how expensive it is. I need help, but I can't afford a psychologist