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A breath from depression
9 years ago
Hi guys
It has been a very long time since I last could have say I was feeling not depressed (precisely 8 months ago, I uploaded a before-after image in my scraps then)
You see, I have major depression; which while does have waves, it never really goes away. I don't have "feeling good" and "feeling bad" phases rather than feeling "utter disaster" or "meh" every few weeks.
I was very very under the last few weeks; which did cause me to not be online, be slow with responses, don't stream and generally be much slower with everything. Just the constant feeling of being a failure and hating myself to the point where I couldn't go outside without being ashamed of my sole existence, just wearing a hoodie to cover my face even if I get nauseous from overheating. The constant migraine, headache and panic attacks. Stuffing myself with painkillers to the point I get dizzy. Not nice things. And the worst part is that I couldn't progress with commissions as well as I should have in that much time.
There is that weird phenomenon which I have noticed before;
When you jump into water, the higher you drop from, the deeper you go.
And somewhat similarly, the more miserable I feel at a time, the better I get afterwards; before I slowly start floating back into depression.
Now I don't want to be negative, but since this has been going on for over 20 years, I know I will slump back soon enough, and this random burst of energy is just temporary. I will try my best to make the most of it.
I'm currently compiling all artworks I have been stuck with, and bringing them to a level where I will only have to deal with mindless rendering afterwards. This means I will completely ignore how old a commission is; I will only focus in getting done what I have temporary advantage over right now.
Other than that, I would like to extend this "happy" time as much as I can. I will order some commissions for myself, buy some new games and just try to make this last as long as possible. I ask you please don't judge me if I make a few personal works, or see me spending money over minimum expenses while I'm still not finished with your commission. Or well, judge me, I deserve that, but don't scold me for now.
that is all I had to say.
I love you all <3
It has been a very long time since I last could have say I was feeling not depressed (precisely 8 months ago, I uploaded a before-after image in my scraps then)
You see, I have major depression; which while does have waves, it never really goes away. I don't have "feeling good" and "feeling bad" phases rather than feeling "utter disaster" or "meh" every few weeks.
I was very very under the last few weeks; which did cause me to not be online, be slow with responses, don't stream and generally be much slower with everything. Just the constant feeling of being a failure and hating myself to the point where I couldn't go outside without being ashamed of my sole existence, just wearing a hoodie to cover my face even if I get nauseous from overheating. The constant migraine, headache and panic attacks. Stuffing myself with painkillers to the point I get dizzy. Not nice things. And the worst part is that I couldn't progress with commissions as well as I should have in that much time.
There is that weird phenomenon which I have noticed before;
When you jump into water, the higher you drop from, the deeper you go.
And somewhat similarly, the more miserable I feel at a time, the better I get afterwards; before I slowly start floating back into depression.
Now I don't want to be negative, but since this has been going on for over 20 years, I know I will slump back soon enough, and this random burst of energy is just temporary. I will try my best to make the most of it.
I'm currently compiling all artworks I have been stuck with, and bringing them to a level where I will only have to deal with mindless rendering afterwards. This means I will completely ignore how old a commission is; I will only focus in getting done what I have temporary advantage over right now.
Other than that, I would like to extend this "happy" time as much as I can. I will order some commissions for myself, buy some new games and just try to make this last as long as possible. I ask you please don't judge me if I make a few personal works, or see me spending money over minimum expenses while I'm still not finished with your commission. Or well, judge me, I deserve that, but don't scold me for now.
that is all I had to say.
I love you all <3
I get it, and I understand a lot of what you struggle with. Honestly I would absolutely love to see you draw more personal art. Take some time for yourself and really spoil yourself. You deserve it. Don't ever think less of yourself for wanting to indulge in your own well being.
Just relax and be you, and I know ya don't know me well besides a few comments but, honestly, let me know if you ever want a friendly face to talk to who's struggled with a lot of the same issues.
My heart is with you, major depression is... Is quite possibly the worst. I sincerely hope you keep this happy moment as long as possible. I'm in one currently myself as well, and am also dreading the inevitable approaching.
I don't know what or if you're planing on getting any sort of help, but whatever it is you're doing I hope it happens soon and works well. Or I hope you find a way to manage it on your own if that's what you're after. AUGH I just don't wanna assume, either way I hope you find success-how about that? XP
Alright well I always have foot in mouth disease around you so I'm just going to shuffle away lol.
Goodluck, and have fun :')
Good luck to you too! Let us both be victorious!
cheap pizza.
lots of pizza.
and right now! :9
I hope that you can, and enjoy, doing personal art, and that this remains a good period for a good while - I just hope you're comfortable to feel unhappy if you need to, too, it's all feeling and it's all a big finger up at Depression and what it can suck from a person. That said, I hope you can enjoy things, and I really look forward to seeing some of your personal art!