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Help, I'm turning 30!
9 years ago
As I'm writing this I'm possibly half delirious with the flu so sorry about that! XD
So the thing is, I turn 30 on the 23rd of May. Terrifying, but I really need to celebrate the fact I survived this long.
On a serious note, I've always had some issues with my heart, and I even remember saying when I was a kid "I'm not going to live past 30." Well, at 29 I'm taking beta blockers, and they're helping. :)
Not to be even more of a downer, but I've been put through some horrible shit in my life that has come close to ending me, and it's frankly incredible that I'm able to be the person I am today with that sort of background. Probably most of my problems and the obstacles I face are due to chronic post traumatic stress. I don't talk about this kind of thing lightly and I don't usually give myself nearly enough credit for getting through it all more or less intact, but I guess it's finally sinking in. I've just made myself cry so I'm gonna shut up and quit feeling sorry for myself. I'm just glad to be alive.
I much, much prefer to spread joy so I've always shown a happy-go-lucky, goofy, humourous and kind face to the world, even if that's not the full story of who I am or what I'm feeling. Does that make me two faced? It feels more like being overly cautious. I suppose I fear rejection or worse for any amount of negativity, so I have a bad habit of bottling up and not reaching out to friends.. but I think that's true of many people.
I... think that's the most personal stuff I've said semi-publicly in years, but I just feel like there's no reason to hide as much as I do, and I would want my friends to know me better; they deserve that.
In fact hell, three years ago after I finished University I had zero friends in my life, as it seemed that everyone I knew had moved on. I truly have the furry fandom to thank for all the wonderful, kind and generous people I now know. :)
So, anyway... I'm starting to panic because my birthday's just over a month away and I still don't know what I'm doing. xD Add to that all the things you tend to say you'll do when you turn 30 and well, most of them require money I simply don't have. I suppose I want to learn to drive, and get a tattoo. :P
I'm even having ridiculous dreams where I've failed to do anything and my 30th gets completely overlooked and I feel like a total loser. Hahaaaa ^^;
Now... Confuzzled happens just after my birthday this year, and a lot of you lovelies will be there. It's expensive and I can't imagine many people wanting to go to any sort of party I throw just before it, not that I've ever thrown a party for myself in my entire life. xD I can't afford to stay for the duration of the convention, but if I attended for one day is there any chance I could get some of you peeps together for a mini celebration? c:
So the thing is, I turn 30 on the 23rd of May. Terrifying, but I really need to celebrate the fact I survived this long.
On a serious note, I've always had some issues with my heart, and I even remember saying when I was a kid "I'm not going to live past 30." Well, at 29 I'm taking beta blockers, and they're helping. :)
Not to be even more of a downer, but I've been put through some horrible shit in my life that has come close to ending me, and it's frankly incredible that I'm able to be the person I am today with that sort of background. Probably most of my problems and the obstacles I face are due to chronic post traumatic stress. I don't talk about this kind of thing lightly and I don't usually give myself nearly enough credit for getting through it all more or less intact, but I guess it's finally sinking in. I've just made myself cry so I'm gonna shut up and quit feeling sorry for myself. I'm just glad to be alive.
I much, much prefer to spread joy so I've always shown a happy-go-lucky, goofy, humourous and kind face to the world, even if that's not the full story of who I am or what I'm feeling. Does that make me two faced? It feels more like being overly cautious. I suppose I fear rejection or worse for any amount of negativity, so I have a bad habit of bottling up and not reaching out to friends.. but I think that's true of many people.
I... think that's the most personal stuff I've said semi-publicly in years, but I just feel like there's no reason to hide as much as I do, and I would want my friends to know me better; they deserve that.
In fact hell, three years ago after I finished University I had zero friends in my life, as it seemed that everyone I knew had moved on. I truly have the furry fandom to thank for all the wonderful, kind and generous people I now know. :)
So, anyway... I'm starting to panic because my birthday's just over a month away and I still don't know what I'm doing. xD Add to that all the things you tend to say you'll do when you turn 30 and well, most of them require money I simply don't have. I suppose I want to learn to drive, and get a tattoo. :P
I'm even having ridiculous dreams where I've failed to do anything and my 30th gets completely overlooked and I feel like a total loser. Hahaaaa ^^;
Now... Confuzzled happens just after my birthday this year, and a lot of you lovelies will be there. It's expensive and I can't imagine many people wanting to go to any sort of party I throw just before it, not that I've ever thrown a party for myself in my entire life. xD I can't afford to stay for the duration of the convention, but if I attended for one day is there any chance I could get some of you peeps together for a mini celebration? c:
heres to another 30+ years
Oh no I wouldn't put it like that, I have some electrical issues with my heart but it's not a huge deal really, was just very worrying to me when I was younger not knowing what it meant.
30+ ... o.o yeah well... hopefully this isn't the midpoint of my entire life. Let's have the + !
I'm sorry to hear about your heart issues - one of my grandfathers had heart issues too. I can't speak from physical health issues, but I've had a few very hard episodes in relation to my mental health that I am so glad I've been able to come out the other side of. It was when I turned 28 that I realised that life was not a rehearsal and everything just goes by so fast. It scares me a little bit. It's still over a year before I reach 30 though ^^.
I don't want to make a big deal of the heart stuff, it's minor issues but really anything that goes wrong with the heart is absolutely terrifying and I guess a previous illness exacerbated it over the past few years. :/ The medicine I'm using atm should prevent me needing to go to A&E in future and that's great!
And I know where you're coming from. I'm pretty scared right now in truth, haha.