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List of 5 exercise
9 years ago
This is something I want to share on here. Recently I’ve been going to therapy sessions for some problems I need to address, but even before that someone told me to try this exercise, and the person I’m currently seeing suggested it as well recently in addition to having already started. I wanted to put this out there, thinking maybe it could help someone who like me is having trouble dealing with their own sense of self. Honestly, it makes an impact to write this stuff down, so you can visually see the points you’ve made and what you think of yourself/want to change. Part of me didn’t want to share this at first, but one of the things I’ve been working with is being able to express or put these things out as a form of release. And I feel like these things are important to say about myself, even if they’re hard to share.
5 things I love about myself:
1: My sense of determination. When I put my mind to something I can make things happen, pulling all-nighters not being an inhibitor of my drive. If I think it’s important, little can convince me to give up.
2: I’m a giving and forgiving person. I recognize that I’m not perfect and no one else is either, and if people are genuinely trying to become better or change, I need to be able and willing to see that in them. Often this has proven to bite me in the ass, but it’s still true.
3: I’m a writer. I enjoy my own writing. It can take me time to write something meaningful that I’ll like, because it requires that I really pause to think about what it is I’m saying and what I’m trying to convey. I don’t mean that everything I say or type is the same as this. But when I take my time to construct it, I’m satisfied with what I’ve made. Other times it may be the case that it simply comes to me through inspiration, research, and long talks with like-minded people that can stimulate this part of me causing sparks to fly. I take pride in this as much as with my art, and in some ways even more so.
4: I’m loyal. If I’ve found you to be someone I hold close and treasure, I will be devoted to you with my emotions. I hold loyalty and friendship in higher regard than I do the concept others might of falling in love with someone. I’ve not felt that emotion, so the highest regarded relation I can have to someone is to call them friend, and I’d mean it earnestly as a rank not many will have in my life. I’d honestly forgotten how precious this moral value of mine had been after so long of having others treat it as nothing but a throw away or simply disregarding its importance to me. I began to doubt it in myself. It’s not something I should ever have let go of under any costs or allowed another the power to take it from me. It’s mine. It has value. As do those I give it to. What they do after with that will define them, not me.
5: Still working on this one.
6 Things I dislike in myself but want to change:
1: My anger. I have had many things to be angry about over the years, but I never really knew how to deal with it aside from pushing it away thinking if I didn’t look at it, eventually it’d go away. But that’s not how anger works. Pretending it’s not there or does not bother you only builds resentment, and the buildup will eventually manifest itself, before you know it you’re lashing out at someone you care about and you don’t even know why. Now you’re not the only one hurting, the fire burned them too. I never got the help I needed to deal with this over the years of trying to seek it out, but I’m happier now that I’m finally being listened to. Still, this is something I want to tackle at the forefront of the issues I’ve had on the emotional level.
2: I’m mean to myself. You are your own worst enemy, and there is nothing truer. I’m critical and can rip myself to shreds over something said or done by me or by others, replaying it over and over in my head like a skipping record that just won’t move along in the song. Things like “If they didn’t want you, who do you think will?” “You trust them? Well kiddo, ya trusted those other people too and look what happened. Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over while expecting a different result.” “Why did you say that? You know they’ll misunderstand. Why couldn’t you have put it better? Now they’ll just think you’re being petty, cause let’s face it you sound it.” “You’re never gonna be enough for anyone. Soon as they see your cracks, you’re the doll ending up in the trash.” “See how quickly she replaced you with the redhead?” “They all see how broken you are; it attracts them like blood in the water. Once they have what they want they’ll leave and a little less of you is what will remain till there’s nothing left. Pathetic.” “You’re not enough. You weren’t enough for your father too.”, are some of the damaging crap my mind will bring up once the defenses have fallen and I’m at a low point. I’ll remember some of the most hurtful things others have said and get stuck on thinking if any of it might be true or that I’m deserving of them. It’s gotten worse this past year after giving someone a third chance proved to be a big mistake, and the crack that tore apart the damn I’d been building up over the years.
3: I overthink and in the most pessimistic of ways. As a writer I can come up with tons of scenarios for one event, run them through in my head, and keep it up for a while. But when it comes to worst case, and coupled with number 2 it just creates a circle of self-induced emotional and mental anguish I didn’t need to put myself through.
4: I expect people to somehow magically know something is wrong and that I need them. Like the bond we have is so strong it’s enough to establish some form of telekinetic wavelength. Yeah, I know. And it’s not fair, logically I know this. People aren’t mind readers and unless you spend a lot of time around someone on a regular basis, primarily in person, people just aren’t going to see the things you do or be able to determine there’s something going on with you if you don’t say something. And it has to be in the right way when you do or else you’re setting things up to get even worse than they already are. I honestly need to give people more slack and lower my expectations, because I’m not the center or the fuckin’ universe over here and just because I observe people or like to think I’m super attentive and notice things, doesn’t mean I actually do. In saying that, I need to give myself a little slack there too.
5: I’m passive aggressive. I’m not a passive aggressive person, but recently I’ve collected this trait and it needs to be acknowledged. I’m guilty of it, and until recently I’d not been able to recognize I was doing it. I don’t like nor do I tolerate passive aggressive people, yet here I’ve been exhibiting their same behavior. I want no part of it. The devil is in the details.
6: I’m afraid of ending up alone. This right here is the big one so I had to make the addition of a sixth slot. And it’s the longest most deeply rooted problem in myself that I need to come to full terms with. So many things stem from this one phobia of mine, and most if not all of my insecurities play into it. Now there’s a distinction I’d like to make here. I’m not so much afraid to be alone by myself in the physical sense. I grew up an introverted kid, I read books more than I did much else, I talked and hung around with older kids more, adults liked and praised me for being “so mature for my age”, I held interests’ others around me did not share so it was hard to connect to them on the social level, and just over all preferred to think I didn’t need people. I was the opposite of my sibling here, and took pride in this fact. See, that’s where others get confused when I say I’m afraid of ending up alone. Because I prefer to keep my circle small I get very attached to anyone I’ve let know me on that emotional spectrum. They know me in a way other people never will and that comes at the risk of getting hurt by them. I’ve trusted them not to. And the reality is I look around and not any of the people save for one over the past years is here and a second from the recent 3 years we’ve known each other. Each and every one broke my trust, abused my friendship, and went out of their way to show me they never saw me in such a distinction aside from what they could get from me on the short term, each taking a piece of me. Some I even gave multiple chances to show me how they’d changed, only to be met with the same result. It’s easy enough to say if they treated you so bad you’re better off without them. This is not wrong, I agree, wholeheartedly. I don’t miss these people. But they did have an impact on me. They left scars that will affect every relationship I have on the unconscious level. It’s myself I no longer trust. I have doubts in myself when it comes to others now. It says nothing about the person, it says everything about the experiences I’ve had with people before them. Really “It’s not you it’s me” thing going on there. And that can hurt people, making them wonder “You think I’d be like them or I could do that to you?”, when I’m not saying they are or that I believe them to be. More than anything I’m praying and hopeful for the opposite, or I wouldn’t be willing to try befriending someone at all in spite of that lil voice at the back of my skull. I want to feel emotionally connected to someone in a friendship and that I can trust them. That I can love them and be loved back, that the understanding there is shared and mutual. Get to the heart of it and the real fear is I’m afraid to lose people I love and care about. Being alone is one thing, losing the ones that I’ve lain myself open to goes deeper.
Recently I sabotaged myself with this, I hurt people I treasured, actions born from fear and the misdirected anger mentioned in #1. Some forgave me, others are understandable hurt and angry. I can’t make it right with an apology. In the previous fallouts I could walk away feeling justified and with the knowledge I hadn’t been the problem, I’d been a good friend to the best of my ability and gave parts of myself to one that didn’t appreciate what that meant for me. However, this time around I’d been the one to do the damage, something I never saw myself capable of. Do not misunderstand, this was not one incident that broke things, but many over a period of months while I struggled to understand what was going on inside. These were not things I could fix by myself because my vision of who I was as a person became distorted and corrupt. The other thing to note is I didn’t suddenly decide to seek out help, I’d been trying to get help for years. And I can’t stop myself from getting extremely upset that if someone had taken me seriously back then, had listened when I went to the consoler at school, when I continually asked to see a therapist as a minor, when I asked to get my group health information so I could set the appointments on my own, each and every time was met with someone trusted with my emotional and mental well being at heart telling me “You don’t need that. You aren’t depressed. You’re being overly sensitive, grow a thicker skin. We can’t help you without the number and you can’t call to get it because it’s on your mother’s insurance and you need her information first. You don’t have the money to seek out another option, if you don’t go through her insurance we can’t help you or begin setting up appointments.”, that if some of those base line problems had been addressed back then a lot of the things that have come to light now could’ve been avoided. Only now did I have to resort to something drastic to establish how serious I was. I never want to have to go that far again.
I can make a longer list of the things I dislike or want to change, anyone can because it’s pretty easy. It’s harder to remember or establish things you love in yourself. There was a point in time I’d never have questioned that, even when those people were hurting me I knew I was worthy and deserved more. But over the last couple of months, I’ve found I’d no longer believed that. Years of being rejected and told I wasn’t a good person, that I wasn’t a good friend, that I was trash that no one would love me and the anger it created had worked its way into my heart and broke the damn I’d built to keep from feeling them. It was a costly mistake; at the time I didn’t know what else to do or how to cope with it.
On some level I need to cut myself some slack, but that doesn’t include making excuses. I’m getting the help I’d been seeking at last, these fears and problems are being addressed. I’m working to fix them, and even finding the person I’d lost. Like a friend I hadn’t seen in forever is being reunited with me, and I never want to let this me go. I will never again surrender myself to the power of another person. I’m worthy of love, I’m worthy of better treatment, and I deserve to be treated as such. I’m the only me I have. We are each powerfully, beautifully, and fearfully made. We each have the ability to build strong love or destroy. I know which road I’m going. Everyone has doubts or hurt, and sometimes you need those close to you to remind you that you are OKAY and LOVED. But if you don’t have love of yourself you will never see the love in others. Even if they choose to not forgive me, and while it hurts right now, I will be okay. I forgive myself. I hope one day they will too.
If you want to try this out you don’t have to share it like this, you can keep it for yourself so you can look back on it when needed. 5 things you love or like in yourself along with 5 things you dislike or want to change. Like I said, sometimes it helps to have it set down so you can look back and remind yourself of the good while working on the harder shit.
I hope someone can find this helpful.
No Comments
Listening to: Tibetan Monk Mantra Chants
Reading: The Animator's Survival Kit
Watching: The Secret of NIHM
Playing: Guild Wars 2
Eating: Curry
Drinking: Venom
5 things I love about myself:
1: My sense of determination. When I put my mind to something I can make things happen, pulling all-nighters not being an inhibitor of my drive. If I think it’s important, little can convince me to give up.
2: I’m a giving and forgiving person. I recognize that I’m not perfect and no one else is either, and if people are genuinely trying to become better or change, I need to be able and willing to see that in them. Often this has proven to bite me in the ass, but it’s still true.
3: I’m a writer. I enjoy my own writing. It can take me time to write something meaningful that I’ll like, because it requires that I really pause to think about what it is I’m saying and what I’m trying to convey. I don’t mean that everything I say or type is the same as this. But when I take my time to construct it, I’m satisfied with what I’ve made. Other times it may be the case that it simply comes to me through inspiration, research, and long talks with like-minded people that can stimulate this part of me causing sparks to fly. I take pride in this as much as with my art, and in some ways even more so.
4: I’m loyal. If I’ve found you to be someone I hold close and treasure, I will be devoted to you with my emotions. I hold loyalty and friendship in higher regard than I do the concept others might of falling in love with someone. I’ve not felt that emotion, so the highest regarded relation I can have to someone is to call them friend, and I’d mean it earnestly as a rank not many will have in my life. I’d honestly forgotten how precious this moral value of mine had been after so long of having others treat it as nothing but a throw away or simply disregarding its importance to me. I began to doubt it in myself. It’s not something I should ever have let go of under any costs or allowed another the power to take it from me. It’s mine. It has value. As do those I give it to. What they do after with that will define them, not me.
5: Still working on this one.
6 Things I dislike in myself but want to change:
1: My anger. I have had many things to be angry about over the years, but I never really knew how to deal with it aside from pushing it away thinking if I didn’t look at it, eventually it’d go away. But that’s not how anger works. Pretending it’s not there or does not bother you only builds resentment, and the buildup will eventually manifest itself, before you know it you’re lashing out at someone you care about and you don’t even know why. Now you’re not the only one hurting, the fire burned them too. I never got the help I needed to deal with this over the years of trying to seek it out, but I’m happier now that I’m finally being listened to. Still, this is something I want to tackle at the forefront of the issues I’ve had on the emotional level.
2: I’m mean to myself. You are your own worst enemy, and there is nothing truer. I’m critical and can rip myself to shreds over something said or done by me or by others, replaying it over and over in my head like a skipping record that just won’t move along in the song. Things like “If they didn’t want you, who do you think will?” “You trust them? Well kiddo, ya trusted those other people too and look what happened. Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over while expecting a different result.” “Why did you say that? You know they’ll misunderstand. Why couldn’t you have put it better? Now they’ll just think you’re being petty, cause let’s face it you sound it.” “You’re never gonna be enough for anyone. Soon as they see your cracks, you’re the doll ending up in the trash.” “See how quickly she replaced you with the redhead?” “They all see how broken you are; it attracts them like blood in the water. Once they have what they want they’ll leave and a little less of you is what will remain till there’s nothing left. Pathetic.” “You’re not enough. You weren’t enough for your father too.”, are some of the damaging crap my mind will bring up once the defenses have fallen and I’m at a low point. I’ll remember some of the most hurtful things others have said and get stuck on thinking if any of it might be true or that I’m deserving of them. It’s gotten worse this past year after giving someone a third chance proved to be a big mistake, and the crack that tore apart the damn I’d been building up over the years.
3: I overthink and in the most pessimistic of ways. As a writer I can come up with tons of scenarios for one event, run them through in my head, and keep it up for a while. But when it comes to worst case, and coupled with number 2 it just creates a circle of self-induced emotional and mental anguish I didn’t need to put myself through.
4: I expect people to somehow magically know something is wrong and that I need them. Like the bond we have is so strong it’s enough to establish some form of telekinetic wavelength. Yeah, I know. And it’s not fair, logically I know this. People aren’t mind readers and unless you spend a lot of time around someone on a regular basis, primarily in person, people just aren’t going to see the things you do or be able to determine there’s something going on with you if you don’t say something. And it has to be in the right way when you do or else you’re setting things up to get even worse than they already are. I honestly need to give people more slack and lower my expectations, because I’m not the center or the fuckin’ universe over here and just because I observe people or like to think I’m super attentive and notice things, doesn’t mean I actually do. In saying that, I need to give myself a little slack there too.
5: I’m passive aggressive. I’m not a passive aggressive person, but recently I’ve collected this trait and it needs to be acknowledged. I’m guilty of it, and until recently I’d not been able to recognize I was doing it. I don’t like nor do I tolerate passive aggressive people, yet here I’ve been exhibiting their same behavior. I want no part of it. The devil is in the details.
6: I’m afraid of ending up alone. This right here is the big one so I had to make the addition of a sixth slot. And it’s the longest most deeply rooted problem in myself that I need to come to full terms with. So many things stem from this one phobia of mine, and most if not all of my insecurities play into it. Now there’s a distinction I’d like to make here. I’m not so much afraid to be alone by myself in the physical sense. I grew up an introverted kid, I read books more than I did much else, I talked and hung around with older kids more, adults liked and praised me for being “so mature for my age”, I held interests’ others around me did not share so it was hard to connect to them on the social level, and just over all preferred to think I didn’t need people. I was the opposite of my sibling here, and took pride in this fact. See, that’s where others get confused when I say I’m afraid of ending up alone. Because I prefer to keep my circle small I get very attached to anyone I’ve let know me on that emotional spectrum. They know me in a way other people never will and that comes at the risk of getting hurt by them. I’ve trusted them not to. And the reality is I look around and not any of the people save for one over the past years is here and a second from the recent 3 years we’ve known each other. Each and every one broke my trust, abused my friendship, and went out of their way to show me they never saw me in such a distinction aside from what they could get from me on the short term, each taking a piece of me. Some I even gave multiple chances to show me how they’d changed, only to be met with the same result. It’s easy enough to say if they treated you so bad you’re better off without them. This is not wrong, I agree, wholeheartedly. I don’t miss these people. But they did have an impact on me. They left scars that will affect every relationship I have on the unconscious level. It’s myself I no longer trust. I have doubts in myself when it comes to others now. It says nothing about the person, it says everything about the experiences I’ve had with people before them. Really “It’s not you it’s me” thing going on there. And that can hurt people, making them wonder “You think I’d be like them or I could do that to you?”, when I’m not saying they are or that I believe them to be. More than anything I’m praying and hopeful for the opposite, or I wouldn’t be willing to try befriending someone at all in spite of that lil voice at the back of my skull. I want to feel emotionally connected to someone in a friendship and that I can trust them. That I can love them and be loved back, that the understanding there is shared and mutual. Get to the heart of it and the real fear is I’m afraid to lose people I love and care about. Being alone is one thing, losing the ones that I’ve lain myself open to goes deeper.
Recently I sabotaged myself with this, I hurt people I treasured, actions born from fear and the misdirected anger mentioned in #1. Some forgave me, others are understandable hurt and angry. I can’t make it right with an apology. In the previous fallouts I could walk away feeling justified and with the knowledge I hadn’t been the problem, I’d been a good friend to the best of my ability and gave parts of myself to one that didn’t appreciate what that meant for me. However, this time around I’d been the one to do the damage, something I never saw myself capable of. Do not misunderstand, this was not one incident that broke things, but many over a period of months while I struggled to understand what was going on inside. These were not things I could fix by myself because my vision of who I was as a person became distorted and corrupt. The other thing to note is I didn’t suddenly decide to seek out help, I’d been trying to get help for years. And I can’t stop myself from getting extremely upset that if someone had taken me seriously back then, had listened when I went to the consoler at school, when I continually asked to see a therapist as a minor, when I asked to get my group health information so I could set the appointments on my own, each and every time was met with someone trusted with my emotional and mental well being at heart telling me “You don’t need that. You aren’t depressed. You’re being overly sensitive, grow a thicker skin. We can’t help you without the number and you can’t call to get it because it’s on your mother’s insurance and you need her information first. You don’t have the money to seek out another option, if you don’t go through her insurance we can’t help you or begin setting up appointments.”, that if some of those base line problems had been addressed back then a lot of the things that have come to light now could’ve been avoided. Only now did I have to resort to something drastic to establish how serious I was. I never want to have to go that far again.
I can make a longer list of the things I dislike or want to change, anyone can because it’s pretty easy. It’s harder to remember or establish things you love in yourself. There was a point in time I’d never have questioned that, even when those people were hurting me I knew I was worthy and deserved more. But over the last couple of months, I’ve found I’d no longer believed that. Years of being rejected and told I wasn’t a good person, that I wasn’t a good friend, that I was trash that no one would love me and the anger it created had worked its way into my heart and broke the damn I’d built to keep from feeling them. It was a costly mistake; at the time I didn’t know what else to do or how to cope with it.
On some level I need to cut myself some slack, but that doesn’t include making excuses. I’m getting the help I’d been seeking at last, these fears and problems are being addressed. I’m working to fix them, and even finding the person I’d lost. Like a friend I hadn’t seen in forever is being reunited with me, and I never want to let this me go. I will never again surrender myself to the power of another person. I’m worthy of love, I’m worthy of better treatment, and I deserve to be treated as such. I’m the only me I have. We are each powerfully, beautifully, and fearfully made. We each have the ability to build strong love or destroy. I know which road I’m going. Everyone has doubts or hurt, and sometimes you need those close to you to remind you that you are OKAY and LOVED. But if you don’t have love of yourself you will never see the love in others. Even if they choose to not forgive me, and while it hurts right now, I will be okay. I forgive myself. I hope one day they will too.
If you want to try this out you don’t have to share it like this, you can keep it for yourself so you can look back on it when needed. 5 things you love or like in yourself along with 5 things you dislike or want to change. Like I said, sometimes it helps to have it set down so you can look back and remind yourself of the good while working on the harder shit.
I hope someone can find this helpful.
No Comments
Listening to: Tibetan Monk Mantra Chants
Reading: The Animator's Survival Kit
Watching: The Secret of NIHM
Playing: Guild Wars 2
Eating: Curry
Drinking: Venom
I can tell you're making effort to change for the better, whichever path that may take you I hope it all works out in the end.
Though we don't talk as much anymore, I want you to know I'm still here for ya, kitten ♥
And thankyou for all that you've said. I've got a lot to work on but I know I can do it, even while also understanding it'll take time to set. *hugs*
and you got this, never be afraid to ask for help yo
when you need it that is, no force xD