Its been sometrime since I posted a journol here, Longer since that iv actually had a negative journol to post. But I feel like those that care, or even like me might want to know whats been happening in my life as late.

Iv been in a lot of pain lately, Some emotional, but mostly pysiacl. Iv had some back pain for quite some time now, Mostly do to the fact im a serious gamer and spend my days gameing. (Call me lazy, or just waiting for a solid idea of what to do) But thats been getting progressivly worse. But I can't do anyhting about it because I was shut off for my insurance.

Which means I can currently be fined for not being covered.

To make matters worse, A lot of emotional thoughts have been going through my head of late. Some reflecting a choice I made many years ago, Where I comtemplated suicide. Look im not proud of what occured that day, And I would undo it if I could. But I cant, And now I live with that every day. Iv also been thinking about my dad. He left when I was in high school. 11th grade to be exact. I spent some time with him, 5 years before moving back in with my mom, To seek medical assitance and get out of a bad situation. Its still not a great situation, but its a better one.

Not to long ago my grampa passed away. And im not sad about that, For he was a evil man. (molested is own daughter) But he was the only person my dad really had left in the world. Now hes alone. He lost me, and I lost him. For better or for worse? Idk yet.

And then life just keeps slapping us in the face. My mom is having 4k in taxs held untill she can prove that im disabled, Which even I don't know the answer to that anymore, and that I live with her, Which I most certainly do, And she wouldn't have it any other way. But our power bill is super high from the winter season, So we are constantly getting shutoff notices. Which we can't fully pay because she only makes around $200 a week. Which is barely enough to pay car insurance, and maybe 2 cards.

Add to that that a restrant we liked changed there menu so much that we never plan on going back, as the no longer offer anything we like. So 10 years of loyalty wasted. Its not much but it still adds to the whole life sucks factor.

But the icing on the cake, The car. It broke down Last Friday. Leaving my mom stranded in the middle of nowhere for 2 hours. (We don't have cell phones because money is super tight) She made it home safe, The car how ever is not so lucky. It needs a completely new engine. The timeing belt had slipped and was sucked into the engine, Bending and breaking everything inside and basically destroying the engine form the inside.

A replacment engine is $3500 not counting labor. Which is way out of the question. We simply don't have that kind of money. Hell we can baerly get food for the week. So now we need to look at getting a new/used vehicle to replace the Sazuki.

All this combined has really messed with my depression. Iv been depressed for, lets see it was 2009 or 2008 when dad left, so about 7 to 8 years. Iv been in a styate of depression. I do better then most, and can sort of hide it, but every know and then the sadness in me escapes and, it just happens. I should seek some kind of actual help. But agin no funds to do it.

So yeah, thats everything of importance that has happend in my life as of late. Sorry that its a pretty negative journol. But this is what has been happening in my life, this is as real as it gets ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. There is no turning back. So make the best out of what you have. Before things get to this point.

If you read this, Then thank you. You deserve a hug.