Not sure what's wrong, this isn't my usual melancholic feeling, which I can deal with. Something is bothering me, but I just can't seem to pin it down. I hate to think that I'm unsatisfied with things. I try to be happy with how things are, but not for my sake, but for others... mainly because, and I hate saying this, but I've gotten nothing but disrespect in the past for being dissatisfied with... pretty much anything. I know I can't expect everyone to hold the same standards and motives as myself, but it becomes pretty debilitating when you try to do the right thing, or what you believed was fair, either for yourself, or for another, only to get shrugged off, or even chewed at because you didn't lower yourself to what someone else wanted or felt was adequate, for example, I'm on the phone with a customer, I already told them we could take another delivery before closing we still had 20 minutes and the driver was in the store, yet he comes up and tries to stop me and tell me not to in the middle of the order, and I told him I already told them yes, I wasn't just going to change that half way through the call just because he wanted to try and shave a couple minutes off of closing work, and it's like the feeling I got from that was like I was in the wrong, like there was something mentally and morally wrong with me...

That's how people and this world make me feel... all the time. Maybe I'm too naive, that something like this could still surprise me, but it does, and it hurts. I can't take it anymore... everything I do feels ruined. I can't seem to take enjoyment in a lot of the things I get or do anymore because somewhere inside I feel like there's nothing but hate surrounding it. I'm sure a lot of people might speak the contrary, but I feel like just as many others are silently sitting out there, wishing they could do the same, and feeling sad or hateful because they can't, with or without knowing who I am. Maybe it's an odd thing to think about, and I know I can't please everyone, and some might tell me not to worry about what other people think... but I can't. I'm just not that kind of person. I've always felt torn between myself, or others. I always feel like I have to choose one of the other with no in between. I've lost friends in the past because of it, because I just couldn't hold my tongue on something and I made a bad impression, while other times I'm strived to make others happy and felt nothing but sadness the entire time... as if I were nothing but a stepping stone to them and expecting to never even hear from them again. I want to do things from the goodness of my heart, but I can't bare to be forgotten either, as much as I want to be unconditional, I don't think I can, and that really bothers me, a lot.

I don't really know what else to say but... I think there might be something wrong with my physically too, and I don't have health insurance, so I can't go get myself looked at, and I think I'd be expecting to pay out of pocket for that anyways, but ately, I've been having a harder time breathing. It just ...feels harder, not all the time, but at work or when I'm particularly upset, I sometimes can't at all, and I don't know what to do. It's not too problematic at the time being, but my chest does feel stiff, not painful at all, but like I simply can't... I've always had this thing where when I cry, my chest and breathing would flutter wildly, like the muscles were spazzuming uncontrollably, and I couldn't speak. When I got older, it became a little easier to control myself and talk straight whenever I would cry, but... that fluttering still happens occasional, even when I'm not upset or crying. I don't know what it is...

Anyways, I should stop. I thank you for what you guy do for me, and I'm sorry for anybody I've hurt in the past. I'll try to perk up.