and for not answering to some of you, and for not doing a lot of things I should.

you don't have to read this, is just some personal thoughts, but know that the important thing is that I'm sorry I've been so quiet all this time.

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tonight I noticed that an artist I like haven't upload anything in a very long time, I went to his page to see what was going on and saw some weird comments on his page, after a little investigation I come to the information of what happened to him. he's dead. and not from age, illness or something that could have led to that, just an accident in a normal morning, in even what seemed like a good day for him. he just died on the spot because of an accident. a guy that seemed like a good person to anybody that came across with him, who had a lot of potential, good ideas, disposition to work in what he liked, just in an instant he was gone.

maybe is too early to speak but I came to the realization of something that's been keeping me down for a long time. I'm scared. I'm scared of life, of not living up to the expectations of my parents, of taking bad desitions that lead me to live a bad life, of never being able to live my life as I want, of ever being happy. I'm scared that if I try to be myself or try to live as I want, someone is gonna hurt me or I'll end up making choices I will regret. I'm scared and I don't know what to do.

often when I'm asked what I would like to do I answer "I don't know", not because I don't want to do something, but because I don't know if it would be a good desition, or if I will be able to do it.
lately I've been going to university to try to get a career, I completely hate it, I've always hated going to school but this time, I have a horrible feeling I'm doing something I don't like, for the wrong reasons and I'm wasting my time on it. the plan, was to get a career done so I could just earn money in a boring but secure job and do what I wanted to do later in my spare time, but I'm some months in and I hate doing this too much.

lately I've been trying to find a way to find my passion, people say that if you find it you can have the perfect job doing what you love, but I'm scared I won't be able to make a good job of it even if I find it.
idk, maybe I know my passion, I like drawing and making histories and want to work on a lot of that, but fear is a reason why I don't upload anything or even work that much on drawings anymore, I know that practice makes perfect, but I don't know if I'll ever be a good enough artist, if I would even be able to make a living out of it, or if I would enjoy working with people for that. I always had the fear of never being good enough. as an artist, a friend, or even a person.

now I just don't know what to do, I'm scared I'll never find the thing I love doing, scared that I'll end up living a life I hate, scared that my desitions would be bad, and really confused on life over all. I just know that if I died today, I don't want this to be the last days I had of my life, not like this, so sad, angry, confused, desperate and misserable. I guess I should just start doing what I always wanted to do, even if it leads me to a bad life, I would be doing what I love instead of doing something I hate and ending in a bad life anyway. I'm just scared and I don't know if I'll have this mindset tomorrow, I'm scared that is a bad desition too.