You sound exactly like I did about two years ago. I'd post some of the stuff I wrote, but I don't think it would really be helping anything. I know this is seriously belated, but I felt like I should say something. I'd like to say that it all gets better, life improves itself, but it only will if you let it. I held onto the past for far to long until it consumed me like a pit of boiling tar. It literally killed me twice, on two separate occasions.
But you know what? Each time, people came and told me how glad they were that I'm still here. We have more of an impact on the world around us than you can possibly imagine. The only way I can even type this right now is because the people around me found out that I was in pain. Don't push them away until it's too late, like I did. If nothing else, you have this community right here.
I am still relearning how to be a human being. All of the stuff I've gone through and brought upon myself had reduced me to a shell, not even able to feed myself, in a state of near catatonia. But here I am, about to finish my degree, I've made new friends, reconnected with old ones, and I've cut my medications in half (not overnight of course). I still haven't managed to hold down a steady job for long (my brain is shot) but I make enough on side jobs to help pay the bills.
I also live in Wasilla. I rarely leave my house, or my room for that matter, but if you need someone to talk to, people tell me I'm a good listener.

I hope you are doing better now.