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Self-reflection, one more time! (Thoughts on MFF, etc.)
9 years ago
Do I really belong in the furry fandom? I keep pondering this time and time again. It's probably sickening of me to keep doing so at this point!
Oftentimes I write it off as just another musing from my bouts of depression.
Other times I actually find myself legitimately concerned. This is one of those times.
I have a good handful of friends who are furries. They're pretty proud of the fact, too.
They also happen to be much more social butterflies than I'd ever hope to be. They have many friends, often close ones, people who look up to them, who share their interests, etc.
Therein lies the source of my anxieties. And, dare I say, a bit of jealousy.
Over the years, I've always seen the furry subculture as a highly social one. Then again, that could be said for a lot of factions in life overall.
Still, I often feel dejected about it all, like I don't truly belong there.
I'm not outgoing. I distract myself with video games very frequently. I don't consider myself all that special, and I'm just overall boring as hell! If I'm amongst a group of friends, I'll most likely be quiet a good chunk of the time, simply observing. If I'm suddenly put on the spot about something, I tense up and freeze, stuttering over my words. Who wants a wet blanket like that in their midsts?
I don't enjoy putting myself down like that, at all. I earnestly believe I can be a good, dependable friend if given the chance to prove so even amidst my general anxiety. I love making people laugh or smile, even if I'm not very good at it. I always want what's best for my friends and loved ones, even if I can't often provide. Even so, I can't hide from the truth. And I choose not to hide it.
I'll be going to my first furry convention in a few weeks: Midwest FurFest. I know next to nothing about what it will entail (no furpun intended), and that fills a part of me with a bit of dread. Conventions are often a very social affair, thus it will feel very awkward and, needless to say, scary going all by myself.
That's not to say I won't be completely alone. I'm meeting a few friends whom I've known for over a decade, but never got to meet in person before. It's very exciting, but I'm also aware they will have their own agendas to fulfill. So while it would be comforting and nice, I simply can't be hovering over them all the time. It's literally impossible!
That said, there'll most likely be times when I'll be all on my own. I'll probably wander around a fair bit, like a dazed bumblebee. Maybe I'll hang around the gaming areas a lot, if they're always open and don't mind me borrowing a space to recharge my batteries with a game or two. I don't know! For all little I know, I'll probably be told by the con staff to skedaddle even if I'm not causing any trouble!
I don't mean to be depressing. I want to be able to enjoy my time in the convention, and to brighten my friends' lives even if just marginally. I just can't make any promises about my bouts of anxiety. And the sense of exclusion will keep looming over my head like that goddamn stupid thundercloud item from Mario Kart Wii!
(though to be honest I'd take that over the MOUNTAINS OF MUSHROOMS in Mario Kart 8 lmfao)
Anyway... I probably took a few detours here on my train of thoughts... as always! Point is, while I'm cautiously optimistic about MFF I'll also be scared out of my wits about all the social hoopla. I like me anthropomorphic animals like the rest of you, and even identify as one (however videogamey and imaginary), but I can't escape from my weakness of lacking the crucial social skills that help make this community what it is, not to mention being the very foundation of any social interaction at all.
At least one thing's for certain, though...
Even if I feel rejected because of this, there's probably no going back now. Especially after this event happens.
Oftentimes I write it off as just another musing from my bouts of depression.
Other times I actually find myself legitimately concerned. This is one of those times.
I have a good handful of friends who are furries. They're pretty proud of the fact, too.
They also happen to be much more social butterflies than I'd ever hope to be. They have many friends, often close ones, people who look up to them, who share their interests, etc.
Therein lies the source of my anxieties. And, dare I say, a bit of jealousy.
Over the years, I've always seen the furry subculture as a highly social one. Then again, that could be said for a lot of factions in life overall.
Still, I often feel dejected about it all, like I don't truly belong there.
I'm not outgoing. I distract myself with video games very frequently. I don't consider myself all that special, and I'm just overall boring as hell! If I'm amongst a group of friends, I'll most likely be quiet a good chunk of the time, simply observing. If I'm suddenly put on the spot about something, I tense up and freeze, stuttering over my words. Who wants a wet blanket like that in their midsts?
I don't enjoy putting myself down like that, at all. I earnestly believe I can be a good, dependable friend if given the chance to prove so even amidst my general anxiety. I love making people laugh or smile, even if I'm not very good at it. I always want what's best for my friends and loved ones, even if I can't often provide. Even so, I can't hide from the truth. And I choose not to hide it.
I'll be going to my first furry convention in a few weeks: Midwest FurFest. I know next to nothing about what it will entail (no furpun intended), and that fills a part of me with a bit of dread. Conventions are often a very social affair, thus it will feel very awkward and, needless to say, scary going all by myself.
That's not to say I won't be completely alone. I'm meeting a few friends whom I've known for over a decade, but never got to meet in person before. It's very exciting, but I'm also aware they will have their own agendas to fulfill. So while it would be comforting and nice, I simply can't be hovering over them all the time. It's literally impossible!
That said, there'll most likely be times when I'll be all on my own. I'll probably wander around a fair bit, like a dazed bumblebee. Maybe I'll hang around the gaming areas a lot, if they're always open and don't mind me borrowing a space to recharge my batteries with a game or two. I don't know! For all little I know, I'll probably be told by the con staff to skedaddle even if I'm not causing any trouble!
I don't mean to be depressing. I want to be able to enjoy my time in the convention, and to brighten my friends' lives even if just marginally. I just can't make any promises about my bouts of anxiety. And the sense of exclusion will keep looming over my head like that goddamn stupid thundercloud item from Mario Kart Wii!
(though to be honest I'd take that over the MOUNTAINS OF MUSHROOMS in Mario Kart 8 lmfao)
Anyway... I probably took a few detours here on my train of thoughts... as always! Point is, while I'm cautiously optimistic about MFF I'll also be scared out of my wits about all the social hoopla. I like me anthropomorphic animals like the rest of you, and even identify as one (however videogamey and imaginary), but I can't escape from my weakness of lacking the crucial social skills that help make this community what it is, not to mention being the very foundation of any social interaction at all.
At least one thing's for certain, though...
Even if I feel rejected because of this, there's probably no going back now. Especially after this event happens.
As far as hanging out at the gaming lounge goes, if it's anything like Anthrocon and if there's not any major gaming tourneys going on con staff are usually lenient about peeps hanging out there for the majority of the time. =3
Furry conventions are all about people having a great time and celebrating cartoon animals, and I'm sure you'll fit right in. Just relax and enjoy yourself. <3
I'll certainly keep your advice in mind. You keep on truckin' and doing your best too, aye?
If it helps, I have no social skills whatsoever and prefer my own company because I can't comprehend the ways of other people and they can't comprehend mine, thus I only have about 3 people I consider my best friends. I'm not outgoing unless it's general shitposting and goofing around with you guys. And yet I still see myself as part of the furry fandom even though I don't fit the stereotypical image of them being outgoing and social.
The great thing about this subculture is its diversity, so there's always room for different people. <3
The reason you don't fit into the "furry mold" is because there is no mold to fit into in the first place.
As for the gaming section, we'll probably only kick you out at closing time, otherwise I certainly wouldn't mind having someone I trust around since some of my own personal stuff will be there this year.