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some stuff I thought about on the way to the store
9 years ago
General
Man, I know no one is going to take this seriously, but I'm starting to feel like my self worth has been destroyed by being into vore over the last decade and a half. Like, everyone talks and talks about how hard it is being prey, how all the predators are always taken and that finding a good RP is impossible because of it. But, like, I play almost strictly predator and I have a really hard time finding an RP, even though I'm supposed to be heavily favored or something? I guess I just really suck at it. Plus there's the decade of being told, because I was a fox, that I was supposed to be submissive and so either treated inferior, or just told that I'm "wrong."
More on that over here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2471090/
That probably has a good deal with why I hate being into vore so much, but it's more than that. I also hate how much time and energy I feel like I've wasted on it - and apparently I'm not even that good at it. It feels like if I were a normal person I could have spent all that energy making something I could actually be proud of.. or something. I just wish I could shut it off! I know I've said many times that if there was a pill I could swallow that would make me stop liking vore I would take it without hesitation, even if it had severe side effects.
Creating Miiar has been my attempt to channel my - it feels like addiction - of the kink into something artistic and creative. It's not the first time either. I've tried making comics and animations before but they never went anywhere. In fact my previous attempt at a comic ended terribly.
I have one chatroom, and it's been amazingly helpful for my mental health. Before and outside that, though, I can see how everyone is in these tightly knit social groups that I am just never going to belong in. It's like a physical law of the universe. So that, and the other things like being a bad pred, being the wrong animal, being useless at making things... it's all just added up over the years. I feel beaten - like I've just given up. There's nothing good about me and I hate myself.
Now I know my friends and kind strangers have the best intentions when they say "you can always chat/RP with me any time" but I'm shy now. The destruction of self worth is why I feel shy now. I wasn't like this years ago but I am now. It'd take a lot of building up to make up for the breaking down, and I just don't have the energy.
Now I'm just too sensitive. It's so hard for me to focus on the positive things. Things that didn't used to bother me now bother me so much.
More on that over here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2471090/
That probably has a good deal with why I hate being into vore so much, but it's more than that. I also hate how much time and energy I feel like I've wasted on it - and apparently I'm not even that good at it. It feels like if I were a normal person I could have spent all that energy making something I could actually be proud of.. or something. I just wish I could shut it off! I know I've said many times that if there was a pill I could swallow that would make me stop liking vore I would take it without hesitation, even if it had severe side effects.
Creating Miiar has been my attempt to channel my - it feels like addiction - of the kink into something artistic and creative. It's not the first time either. I've tried making comics and animations before but they never went anywhere. In fact my previous attempt at a comic ended terribly.
I have one chatroom, and it's been amazingly helpful for my mental health. Before and outside that, though, I can see how everyone is in these tightly knit social groups that I am just never going to belong in. It's like a physical law of the universe. So that, and the other things like being a bad pred, being the wrong animal, being useless at making things... it's all just added up over the years. I feel beaten - like I've just given up. There's nothing good about me and I hate myself.
Now I know my friends and kind strangers have the best intentions when they say "you can always chat/RP with me any time" but I'm shy now. The destruction of self worth is why I feel shy now. I wasn't like this years ago but I am now. It'd take a lot of building up to make up for the breaking down, and I just don't have the energy.
Now I'm just too sensitive. It's so hard for me to focus on the positive things. Things that didn't used to bother me now bother me so much.
I know this probably isn't helping much at all, but i needed to say something if it had a chance to help you. I feel bad i've lost contact as well, and not chatted at all. I'm terrible when it comes to keeping up with people, its completely my fault, nothing to do with you at all, just my ineptitude.
I just want you to know that you're not useless, you're not the wrong animal if its who you feel you are, and you're certainty not a bad pred or creator. Your work is some of my absolute favorite stuff ever, and your ideas are just great. Hang in there, and i hope this helped somewhat.
The one thing that bothers me is how you were harassed for your species. I mean, it's a stereotype only and everybody is up to be whatever they want. If I was told "but bunnies are prey!" I'd have said "Who says?". In a fantasy setup you're free to be any single thing you want. You shouldnt let anybody dictate what you can and cant do with your creation.
I hope you can feel better eventually.
We are encoded, at a point of development we learned something that made us who we are today. You can either accept it, or suffer from it. I hate to see you in pain, but its ultimatelyyour goal as its your life.
But as you mention vore and such... it made me think about it. The vore community has a high turnover rate, lots of people enter and lots of them leave (no I'm not making any jokes here this is serious). Vore seems to have a very high 'grind' rate of people who get into it then get burned out on it, spoiled on it, or otherwise disgusted by it. Other fetish-based sub-communities of furry show notable turnover too but it seems abnormally high in the vore community. I can't help but wonder if it's because the necessary segregation via labeling of pred or prey (switch ha yeah right) has an accumulating negative effect on one's psyche. And when you speak about being denigrated for not 'fitting your role' as it were in the established species/food-chain paradigm dynamic, it really makes me think, that almost by requirement a vore interest will one day cause one's break with their self-worth. In shorter terms, one can only feel labeled as pred or prey so long before they feel that they are just a label to people, and lose their personality.
I guess this doesn't really help you much in this case. It's hard to break out of the predator/prey definition. But you know (and yes I saw you say it) you can always RP with me.
Love and foxy hugs~
Trick The Fox
I am kind of curious why you even think I am a fantastic creator though. I mean, I appreciate the compliment of course, but I doubt I have posted even 1% of the actual world building I've done. It kills me how much of it is in my head, how much I want to get it out there, and how much I just sit around about it fighting indecision like a potato.