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Asexual Homomantic
9 years ago
I just need to rant. Can I just say for a second that being Asexual Homomantic is probably the worst orientation to be? Let's start with the first and most obvious thing.
1. How long it takes to explain.
Holy shit, even the name fails to be brief and doesn't roll off the tongue. At best I can shorten it to Ace Homoro, but as awesome as that sounds--it sounds like some early 1900's gentleman adventurer--it doesn't solve the problem: nobody knows what it means.
Asexual: Someone who has no sexual feelings or desires. Ace for short. Sure I get the odd erection from some types of physical interactions(cuddling, kissing, etc.) or fetishes like vore. But the second someone touches it, it wilts like a fucking vampire in sunlight.
Homoromantic: It means you enjoy the thought of a romantic relationship between yourself and someone of the same gender.
So what it boils down to: I am a man who enjoys the idea of spending the rest of his life with another man decidedly not having sex. Honestly, sometimes I just tell people I'm gay. It's easier. Because there are a lot of people who just can not seem to grasp the concept that someone is like this. But then of course there's the chance I miss out on an opportunity by giving another guy like me the wrong idea. So I keep explaining it. >_<
2. Giving People the Wrong Idea
Often times I get really affectionate with guys who happen to have a sexual interest in other guys. I like to be affectionate and flirty, but then I end up upsetting them when they get the inevitable boner and sex is a no-go. I love everything leading up to sex, but not the act itself. So I have to be careful with restraining myself or I piss people off. So basically every single (gay/bi/pan/whatever) guy I meet gets to listen to my long-winded explanation of what I am and why sexy times aren't a thing pretty soon after we meet. Man, they must just love hearing all about it.
3. The Prospective Dating Pool
So you know how every furry community, hell, every community in general has those sad guys who just post sad things about being lonely and stuff? I mean, they just gotta spruce up their social skills, and be they straight, gay, bi, or pan, they've got loooooads of options out there. But me? I've got a few handicaps that go beyond repulsive personality flaws(I probably have a few of those too).
Handicap number one is that nobody has even heard of my orientation. So nobody can spontaneously go, "Oh, I know a guy like that!" and hook me up.
Handicap number two is that because nobody has heard of it, some people don't realize they are it, and just assume they're gay or something. Then they spend their time having incredibly unsatisfying sex, wondering what's wrong with them.
Handicap number three is that of the people who realize they are what I am...well, there aren't a lot of us. So finding another person exactly like you feels impossible.
Handicap number four is that you really can't be picky. Because you're such a rare breed, you can't really filter people by traits you find desirable. You've got to take what comes your way. One in a million is already pretty rare, are you sure you can wait for the next one in a million? How old and lonely will you be by then? Will there be a next one?
4. Pondering the Alternatives
With all that depressing stuff on your mind, now you start to think, what if I compromise?
What if you go for a guy with an actual sexual orientation and just let him use you for sex? Would he be happy with that arrangement if it was clear you weren't really enjoying it?
What if he had sex outside your relationship, with other people, but you stayed together for everything else? But then what if one of those other people is everything you are or better but can actually give him what he needs?
What if you find someone who loves you and tells you that it's okay, they love you enough to not need sex out of you? But then the relationship fails because it turns out it actually wasn't okay and it is an incredibly important part of most relationships?
What if you make a bunch of incredibly close friends you can snuggle and hang with to distract you from the need to have that one person? But then what happens when they start to find people and move on? Do you just keep endlessly making disposable friends?
I hate my orientation so much. I wish I was gay sometimes.
1. How long it takes to explain.
Holy shit, even the name fails to be brief and doesn't roll off the tongue. At best I can shorten it to Ace Homoro, but as awesome as that sounds--it sounds like some early 1900's gentleman adventurer--it doesn't solve the problem: nobody knows what it means.
Asexual: Someone who has no sexual feelings or desires. Ace for short. Sure I get the odd erection from some types of physical interactions(cuddling, kissing, etc.) or fetishes like vore. But the second someone touches it, it wilts like a fucking vampire in sunlight.
Homoromantic: It means you enjoy the thought of a romantic relationship between yourself and someone of the same gender.
So what it boils down to: I am a man who enjoys the idea of spending the rest of his life with another man decidedly not having sex. Honestly, sometimes I just tell people I'm gay. It's easier. Because there are a lot of people who just can not seem to grasp the concept that someone is like this. But then of course there's the chance I miss out on an opportunity by giving another guy like me the wrong idea. So I keep explaining it. >_<
2. Giving People the Wrong Idea
Often times I get really affectionate with guys who happen to have a sexual interest in other guys. I like to be affectionate and flirty, but then I end up upsetting them when they get the inevitable boner and sex is a no-go. I love everything leading up to sex, but not the act itself. So I have to be careful with restraining myself or I piss people off. So basically every single (gay/bi/pan/whatever) guy I meet gets to listen to my long-winded explanation of what I am and why sexy times aren't a thing pretty soon after we meet. Man, they must just love hearing all about it.
3. The Prospective Dating Pool
So you know how every furry community, hell, every community in general has those sad guys who just post sad things about being lonely and stuff? I mean, they just gotta spruce up their social skills, and be they straight, gay, bi, or pan, they've got loooooads of options out there. But me? I've got a few handicaps that go beyond repulsive personality flaws(I probably have a few of those too).
Handicap number one is that nobody has even heard of my orientation. So nobody can spontaneously go, "Oh, I know a guy like that!" and hook me up.
Handicap number two is that because nobody has heard of it, some people don't realize they are it, and just assume they're gay or something. Then they spend their time having incredibly unsatisfying sex, wondering what's wrong with them.
Handicap number three is that of the people who realize they are what I am...well, there aren't a lot of us. So finding another person exactly like you feels impossible.
Handicap number four is that you really can't be picky. Because you're such a rare breed, you can't really filter people by traits you find desirable. You've got to take what comes your way. One in a million is already pretty rare, are you sure you can wait for the next one in a million? How old and lonely will you be by then? Will there be a next one?
4. Pondering the Alternatives
With all that depressing stuff on your mind, now you start to think, what if I compromise?
What if you go for a guy with an actual sexual orientation and just let him use you for sex? Would he be happy with that arrangement if it was clear you weren't really enjoying it?
What if he had sex outside your relationship, with other people, but you stayed together for everything else? But then what if one of those other people is everything you are or better but can actually give him what he needs?
What if you find someone who loves you and tells you that it's okay, they love you enough to not need sex out of you? But then the relationship fails because it turns out it actually wasn't okay and it is an incredibly important part of most relationships?
What if you make a bunch of incredibly close friends you can snuggle and hang with to distract you from the need to have that one person? But then what happens when they start to find people and move on? Do you just keep endlessly making disposable friends?
I hate my orientation so much. I wish I was gay sometimes.
It's a pretty frustrating experience, and from my own, I'd have to say I think compromise is the only reasonable option. Establishing a working open relationship with an actually gay guy is not easy given the parameters. However, there's far more people out there who *will* understand and genuinely love you than there are who exactly share the orientation - it's the best available option, if you can make it work, but it does take work.
*sigh*
I wish I was less complicated. xD
as never know about it before :o
I feel exactly the same thing... Not everybody know that you be romantic without any sexual act...
Of course, there certainly are guys in the furry fandom who would be happy just to cuddle or be kinky. It just takes a lot of willpower to find said people, and also mesh with them. It's easiest just to say you're "gay" but to wish things were that simple, I definitely know that feeling. So, my heart really goes out to you. Congrats on the recent wolf boyfriend =3
"Although if I was extremely attracted to someone, which is quite rare, I think I would enjoy sex with them, further complicating things"
I believe they call that demi-sexual. Where you only have a sexual desire for people you first fall for. There are plenty of people who want to save themselves for someone special, or who have that same requirement. So the ball is in your park yet if you have any desire to pursue that sort of thing. ♥
I've thought a lot about alternatives. I mean as you say yourself, find someone who isn't interested at all in sex or is okay with no doing it is pretty much like trying to find a bottle in the ocean. Unless you trip on it by accident, there is almost 0 chance you find it yourself.
Also people who says they are "okay" with no sex after some time of relation, usually lie to not make the relation fail to soon. But you can't do nothing against your nature, if you need sex (if are sexual), you can't contain yourself forever and the situation end badly. If you're lucky, he will end the relation quickly. Otherwise you'll suffer a pain. That's what happened to me at least. Maybe i'm wrong to think that (and i would be happy honestly) but i think it's just how human mind works.
At your options of either be with someone with same orientation (congrats to you by the way to have found your woof ) or have a compromise like do sex but without any pleasure, i would personally add the "stay single" option. Of course i would kill to get a bf, but as time fly (and i'm not that old lol), i'm getting to the idea that alone is better than bad company. I don't imagine myself forcing me to have sex everyday. My partner wouldn't appreciate neither.
Thank you again for posting this journal, it's made my day.
"Someday my prince will come"
I hope you don't mind if I use the explanations you laid out in here to help describe myself to others ^^;;
Again, thanks for writing this. I'm gonna think more on it. And also, keep looking, you'll find someone out there that presses all the right buttons, empathizes with you on this, and works with it to make you both happy