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Holidays
9 years ago
Warning: Melodrama ahead. Listen to me gripe and moan!
I hate holidays. Alone again, watching as everyone else goes off with their own family, to spend a warm season. I'm always alone, and never is it more plain or more miserable than now. ... Except perhaps Singles Depreciation Day (Valentine's Day).
That being said, this year has been a bit less miserable than usual. Or rather, some good things have happened, immediately counteracted by a lot of bad things as well.
I actually got some gifts this year though. Some things spread out across november and december, but to me it counts. A bunch of Fallout merch bought by a friend I hadn't seen in years, who came around to this side of the planet to visit others during thanksgiving and dropped by here for a day. A hand-me-down 3DS. I don't mind hand-me-downs, it's in great condition. I'm just a bit too used to everything I own being garbage, only allotted to me when it's practically worthless. For once, this is a hand-me-down that's in very good shape, and the person who gave it to me, a friend five years in the making, was nice enough to buy me a copy of Pokemon Moon, the first new pokemon game I've had in years. He's not the warmest person, nor are we what I would call close, but we get along and he actually likes me when he tends to detest everyone else around him.
Of course, as usual, I can't have anything good and ever be happy without something happening to make me more miserable than when I started off.
A wrecked car with little way to pay for repair or replacement.
Possibly losing my health coverage, which I need for a few chronic health issues so I can't afford to be without coverage. I'll have to just go without otherwise (and then be fined for being poor and unable to afford health coverage). On a related note, a rather scary urgent health concern that came up; it turned out to be not as scary as it appeared, but basically just puts a confirmation stamp on the fact I'm simply not young anymore. I'm officially old, my youth is officially over, and it was almost entirely squandered, without interesting stories to tell or fun had. At this stage, most people either have a life that's firmly settling into domestic comfort, a payoff from a youth of hard work and achievement, or have collected a bunch of memories and stories from a more wild youth of fun and indulgence. Mine's a wash.
Harassment from debt collectors only a few months after I paid off my last debts with the help of a friend out of state, so I have no idea where it's coming from. But they're harassing me every day.
The threat of a significantly hiked rent in the new year, and the continuing lack of a decent job that necessitates my holding a rather miserable slave-wage job hoping I won't be thrown away like the human garbage society sees me as. Hooray disposable people!
An ongoing toxic atmosphere in the house due to those I live with; they're nice people all in all, but carry toxic attitudes in day to day life and it's only gotten worse due to the... more dramatic medical issues one of them has which put strains on everyone else around him. I'm mostly used to it, so if it was just that this season I'd be alright, even happy.
But this is what I get for being happy. Fate seems very hesitant to ever let me be happy or drag myself up out of this gutter, and will take actions on the Loom of Fate to prevent it, weaving ever more dark threads around my lifeline.
Still, I'm not gunna quit. I'll whine and bitch and moan and complain and kick and bite and scratch every step of the way, but I will keep going, because I'm just stubborn like that. I refuse to let the world win, and will do everything I can to live a fair live despite it's efforts to grind me down and destroy me. And if I'm truly objective, and consider the whole picture from the outside, it could be a whole heck of a lot worse and I'm thankful it's not. To start, I still, at least for the moment, have a roof with food, water, electricity and internet access. We'll see if all of this holds out, but I have it in the immediate moment at least. And most significantly, I finally have someone important in my life who's pulling for me. He lives very far away, but we're trying to work on that, and I know he'd do everything he can to help me. But he's already spent way too much money on me with me unable to return the favor, any favor, in any way, so I try not to use him like that. But worst comes to worst, he may very well be a lifeline for me.
It would all be so much more easy to deal with if I could have a real holiday. Regardless of my bellyaching about it, I'll inevitably be spending this holiday alone just like every other, battling miserable depression and sitting huddled in the cold, both literally and metaphorically, surrounded by constant reminders that I am still alone.
Maybe someday, though. I hate the holidays, but maybe someday I won't have to say that anymore. This one's certainly been the happiest I've had in a decade, despite everything else.
Enough of my incoherent rambling though. I'm way too wordy for my own damn good, and it isn't like I have more than a handful of people who will actually read this. To those who do, happy holidays, and to those who don't, health and happiness. Take care.
I hate holidays. Alone again, watching as everyone else goes off with their own family, to spend a warm season. I'm always alone, and never is it more plain or more miserable than now. ... Except perhaps Singles Depreciation Day (Valentine's Day).
That being said, this year has been a bit less miserable than usual. Or rather, some good things have happened, immediately counteracted by a lot of bad things as well.
I actually got some gifts this year though. Some things spread out across november and december, but to me it counts. A bunch of Fallout merch bought by a friend I hadn't seen in years, who came around to this side of the planet to visit others during thanksgiving and dropped by here for a day. A hand-me-down 3DS. I don't mind hand-me-downs, it's in great condition. I'm just a bit too used to everything I own being garbage, only allotted to me when it's practically worthless. For once, this is a hand-me-down that's in very good shape, and the person who gave it to me, a friend five years in the making, was nice enough to buy me a copy of Pokemon Moon, the first new pokemon game I've had in years. He's not the warmest person, nor are we what I would call close, but we get along and he actually likes me when he tends to detest everyone else around him.
Of course, as usual, I can't have anything good and ever be happy without something happening to make me more miserable than when I started off.
A wrecked car with little way to pay for repair or replacement.
Possibly losing my health coverage, which I need for a few chronic health issues so I can't afford to be without coverage. I'll have to just go without otherwise (and then be fined for being poor and unable to afford health coverage). On a related note, a rather scary urgent health concern that came up; it turned out to be not as scary as it appeared, but basically just puts a confirmation stamp on the fact I'm simply not young anymore. I'm officially old, my youth is officially over, and it was almost entirely squandered, without interesting stories to tell or fun had. At this stage, most people either have a life that's firmly settling into domestic comfort, a payoff from a youth of hard work and achievement, or have collected a bunch of memories and stories from a more wild youth of fun and indulgence. Mine's a wash.
Harassment from debt collectors only a few months after I paid off my last debts with the help of a friend out of state, so I have no idea where it's coming from. But they're harassing me every day.
The threat of a significantly hiked rent in the new year, and the continuing lack of a decent job that necessitates my holding a rather miserable slave-wage job hoping I won't be thrown away like the human garbage society sees me as. Hooray disposable people!
An ongoing toxic atmosphere in the house due to those I live with; they're nice people all in all, but carry toxic attitudes in day to day life and it's only gotten worse due to the... more dramatic medical issues one of them has which put strains on everyone else around him. I'm mostly used to it, so if it was just that this season I'd be alright, even happy.
But this is what I get for being happy. Fate seems very hesitant to ever let me be happy or drag myself up out of this gutter, and will take actions on the Loom of Fate to prevent it, weaving ever more dark threads around my lifeline.
Still, I'm not gunna quit. I'll whine and bitch and moan and complain and kick and bite and scratch every step of the way, but I will keep going, because I'm just stubborn like that. I refuse to let the world win, and will do everything I can to live a fair live despite it's efforts to grind me down and destroy me. And if I'm truly objective, and consider the whole picture from the outside, it could be a whole heck of a lot worse and I'm thankful it's not. To start, I still, at least for the moment, have a roof with food, water, electricity and internet access. We'll see if all of this holds out, but I have it in the immediate moment at least. And most significantly, I finally have someone important in my life who's pulling for me. He lives very far away, but we're trying to work on that, and I know he'd do everything he can to help me. But he's already spent way too much money on me with me unable to return the favor, any favor, in any way, so I try not to use him like that. But worst comes to worst, he may very well be a lifeline for me.
It would all be so much more easy to deal with if I could have a real holiday. Regardless of my bellyaching about it, I'll inevitably be spending this holiday alone just like every other, battling miserable depression and sitting huddled in the cold, both literally and metaphorically, surrounded by constant reminders that I am still alone.
Maybe someday, though. I hate the holidays, but maybe someday I won't have to say that anymore. This one's certainly been the happiest I've had in a decade, despite everything else.
Enough of my incoherent rambling though. I'm way too wordy for my own damn good, and it isn't like I have more than a handful of people who will actually read this. To those who do, happy holidays, and to those who don't, health and happiness. Take care.
I suppose keeping what few friends closer, it means I don't need to write journals anymore, a lot of events in my life have gone unposted here because... there's no need to.
Oh well. No big. Not sure why I felt like writing this time. ...
Written as a journal post-script, in a self reply to keep that text wall from getting ever longer.