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Women, relationships, stuff
8 years ago
Hi,
So I live on a sizeable 200 acre horse ranch. Me mum is leasing it from some wealthy but kind hearted folks (She only pays 1/2 electricity, and the rent is less than an apaertment). Nonetheless she has tenants who rent rooms out of the large ranch house, and apartments.
It has happened three times now... A woman... Either 1. My age,. B. 10 years younger, or c. 13 years older will move into the main ranch house...
At which point my mom will realize she is A. a woman and B. not dead, and so therefore C, SHE MUST MARRY HER OLDEST SON WHO IS STILL SINGLE.
IT WAS MEANT TO BE.
Because she's a woman. And she is still alive. The only requirements that need to be satisfied for my mom.
So... Anyway... The most recent woman to be in my life is older than me. She's 51 and I am 37. I just cannot shake the age difference when I look at her. I am trying. She seems to be a good woman, BUT...
We have been snuggling in my residence on the ranch, for two nights in a row, and never having been with a woman (I have been with guys... among other things, neither of which brought me lasting satisfaction or happiness) I end up getting a little bit frisky. (No sex)
But I feel like God has placed deep in my heart, that He has a woman for me... the ONLY woman for me... And that I will know her when I literally lay eyes on her. She will be perfect for me..
And that is what I am waiting for.
Last night was the last straw. We have been "Together" the massive length of 3.5 days. I ignored her when I first saw her. I said NOPE. But she kept coming after me... Anyway....
We were snuggling and things got heated. I asked her to leave. I told her I wanted her, and that I could no longer control myself. I took my hands/ arms off of her. I lay like a sack of dead potatoes next to her, looking up at the ceiling.
She refused to leave. I told her she is torturing me by being there. Still, she refused to leave. She kpt... touching me... which is something I have almost never had in my life, and it feels amazing.
45 minutes later she leaves. I had to literally tell her... You are beginning to make me angry. Not a little angry, but grab you by the hair and shove you out type of angry.
And she keeps trying to force a confession out of me. "I love you, are we a pair, are we seeing each other, are we an item????" It's been literally half a week. I am not admitting to anything. Her forcing me makes me realize she is NOT the One God has for me.
So I leveled with her. I told her she's not the One. I realize, in a way, that maybe I am wrong in my thinking. Maybe she is the "one" because I told her every detail of my past and she doesn't care. Or, at least, she hasn't let it affect her. She "Doesn't judge" (How can you not... I do not understand.)
So this morning she is texting me, she wants to be mine, of course, echoing everything she said last night.
If I never meet "The One" it is far, far, far better for me to die alone, never having known a woman intimately, than to spend the rest of my life with the wrong woman... I know men in this situation, and they would rather die than go home to their loving wives...
I do not have much to offer a woman, i do not feel, except for love as true as I am able to give, but I would like to give the woman God has for me my virginity (As it concerns women) because I know it is special/ different than anything I have ever done before.
Sorry this is so long, I am just upset and I want to vent to my furry friends.
Basically, I am waiting for love at first sight. If I never get it then I am better off dying/being alone. And I am okay with that, as okay as a single guy who's desperately lonely can be. If God doesn't bring her to me soon I don't know what I will do. 37 years is a long time to be so lonely it hurts.
So I live on a sizeable 200 acre horse ranch. Me mum is leasing it from some wealthy but kind hearted folks (She only pays 1/2 electricity, and the rent is less than an apaertment). Nonetheless she has tenants who rent rooms out of the large ranch house, and apartments.
It has happened three times now... A woman... Either 1. My age,. B. 10 years younger, or c. 13 years older will move into the main ranch house...
At which point my mom will realize she is A. a woman and B. not dead, and so therefore C, SHE MUST MARRY HER OLDEST SON WHO IS STILL SINGLE.
IT WAS MEANT TO BE.
Because she's a woman. And she is still alive. The only requirements that need to be satisfied for my mom.
So... Anyway... The most recent woman to be in my life is older than me. She's 51 and I am 37. I just cannot shake the age difference when I look at her. I am trying. She seems to be a good woman, BUT...
We have been snuggling in my residence on the ranch, for two nights in a row, and never having been with a woman (I have been with guys... among other things, neither of which brought me lasting satisfaction or happiness) I end up getting a little bit frisky. (No sex)
But I feel like God has placed deep in my heart, that He has a woman for me... the ONLY woman for me... And that I will know her when I literally lay eyes on her. She will be perfect for me..
And that is what I am waiting for.
Last night was the last straw. We have been "Together" the massive length of 3.5 days. I ignored her when I first saw her. I said NOPE. But she kept coming after me... Anyway....
We were snuggling and things got heated. I asked her to leave. I told her I wanted her, and that I could no longer control myself. I took my hands/ arms off of her. I lay like a sack of dead potatoes next to her, looking up at the ceiling.
She refused to leave. I told her she is torturing me by being there. Still, she refused to leave. She kpt... touching me... which is something I have almost never had in my life, and it feels amazing.
45 minutes later she leaves. I had to literally tell her... You are beginning to make me angry. Not a little angry, but grab you by the hair and shove you out type of angry.
And she keeps trying to force a confession out of me. "I love you, are we a pair, are we seeing each other, are we an item????" It's been literally half a week. I am not admitting to anything. Her forcing me makes me realize she is NOT the One God has for me.
So I leveled with her. I told her she's not the One. I realize, in a way, that maybe I am wrong in my thinking. Maybe she is the "one" because I told her every detail of my past and she doesn't care. Or, at least, she hasn't let it affect her. She "Doesn't judge" (How can you not... I do not understand.)
So this morning she is texting me, she wants to be mine, of course, echoing everything she said last night.
If I never meet "The One" it is far, far, far better for me to die alone, never having known a woman intimately, than to spend the rest of my life with the wrong woman... I know men in this situation, and they would rather die than go home to their loving wives...
I do not have much to offer a woman, i do not feel, except for love as true as I am able to give, but I would like to give the woman God has for me my virginity (As it concerns women) because I know it is special/ different than anything I have ever done before.
Sorry this is so long, I am just upset and I want to vent to my furry friends.
Basically, I am waiting for love at first sight. If I never get it then I am better off dying/being alone. And I am okay with that, as okay as a single guy who's desperately lonely can be. If God doesn't bring her to me soon I don't know what I will do. 37 years is a long time to be so lonely it hurts.
I also have learned one thing: love is a project more than it is an emotion. Love at first sight does exist for some people, but the rest of us have to spend time studying our partners, trying to learn how to please them, love them, be loved by them!
It took me way too long to figure that part out. Sex is great, but not a relationship does it make. All the other "trivial " details are what makes up a relationship, not how high you can make each other bounce.