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Rebuild (mental health post)
8 years ago
My Furries,
Without getting into the meat of it, I havn't been a very good person lately. I mean, I thought I was. And I think in general, I really was "good," for the most part. But, my attitude was bad. I have tried to advance along my path, coping with life's impartial surprises along the way. Those surprises ended up being more harmful than helpful (or...?), and I developed a free-form, general resentment. I spent much effort on selfish struggles that I created in the name of "self-sacrifice." I considered my intent pure, but I was consumed with corrupting insecurity, and I didn't even realize I was angry. I told people I was "delicate." I was manipulative. I cried lots (and no doubt more tears are yet to come). Most of this is still true to some extent, but it's no longer En Den v. The World. A little while ago, I felt at war with life itself. I felt a victim of life's "intent". Like I was owed something. My mind was wound around calculating the amount.
Certain things have happened recently that have caused a great deal of self-reflection and insight. I've been able to ID my anger, and I've been working on pinpointing my thorns and pulling them out. Some things take more work to let go of than others. The release of pain makes any price a bargain.
My friends are some of the best in the universe.
I need therapy, to be sure, and am seeking a provider. I honestly feel like a breakthrough has already occurred. Might be kidding myself, tho, so we'll see if this sticks. Small, persistent anxiety remains. I hate it.
One benefit of this, I spose, is a renewed need to draw. I think I may have actually gotten a bit better sketching after my sabbatical. I feel better about what I've gotten down, and I have a clear list of things in mind that I want to work on and experiment with. It's gonna be in pencil for a while. I'll get back to digital eventually.
Without getting into the meat of it, I havn't been a very good person lately. I mean, I thought I was. And I think in general, I really was "good," for the most part. But, my attitude was bad. I have tried to advance along my path, coping with life's impartial surprises along the way. Those surprises ended up being more harmful than helpful (or...?), and I developed a free-form, general resentment. I spent much effort on selfish struggles that I created in the name of "self-sacrifice." I considered my intent pure, but I was consumed with corrupting insecurity, and I didn't even realize I was angry. I told people I was "delicate." I was manipulative. I cried lots (and no doubt more tears are yet to come). Most of this is still true to some extent, but it's no longer En Den v. The World. A little while ago, I felt at war with life itself. I felt a victim of life's "intent". Like I was owed something. My mind was wound around calculating the amount.
Certain things have happened recently that have caused a great deal of self-reflection and insight. I've been able to ID my anger, and I've been working on pinpointing my thorns and pulling them out. Some things take more work to let go of than others. The release of pain makes any price a bargain.
My friends are some of the best in the universe.
I need therapy, to be sure, and am seeking a provider. I honestly feel like a breakthrough has already occurred. Might be kidding myself, tho, so we'll see if this sticks. Small, persistent anxiety remains. I hate it.
One benefit of this, I spose, is a renewed need to draw. I think I may have actually gotten a bit better sketching after my sabbatical. I feel better about what I've gotten down, and I have a clear list of things in mind that I want to work on and experiment with. It's gonna be in pencil for a while. I'll get back to digital eventually.
Kirisha
~kirisha
I wish you luck on your recovery *hugs* miss you my friend. :)
arkansas
~arkansas
Well, the fact that you care about being a good person, having the right attitude and so forth puts you further ahead than most neurotypical people. I work a lot against anger myself. It doesn't accomplish anything other than to perpetuate itself to oneself and others. Don't beat yourself up too much. If you are coming to terms with the truth about yourself, that's a positive thing. It's never too late to change, and that you want to, shows you are on the side of good. Any progress, however small, in matters like these is good progress. YOu go ahead and g et that therapy now, ok?
tamurross
~tamurross
Sounds like a good plan, best wishes for you ;3
asthexiancal
~asthexiancal
You seem to be self-aware of what caused your condition, and wanting to face it, that's a great leap toward healing. I wish you all the best.
VinchenzoTheJackal
~vinchenzothejackal
I hope things get better for you.
ZombieCat
~zombiecat
Oh hey, I'd wondered what happened to you. Welcome back!
mikakyubi
~mikakyubi
It'll be good to see you back! I've missed seeing you these last few years, hon! Good luck, also, on feeling better and seeking aid. If you need a shoulder to lean on or an ear to chew off, feel free to hit me up.
Tenka
~tenka
I admire you for all of the reasons you were now able to write this, all the way from encountering those mishaps in the past to formulating the right words to catalog them now. I think you've had a lot of admirable difficulty, and that all of it is admirable because of your more recent reflection. This is great, you are growing on a path of self truth and every moment you try counts. Keep it up, you can do it!
